Not more, not less than you
by Ellstra
Summary: When Jimmy sends Thomas to bed because he s obviously ill, it will lead to events neither of them pressumed. May offend people who don t think gay rights are good.
1. Illness

„Alfred? Aren´t you supposed to be doing something?" Thomas looks to be in a really bad mood, but I´m afraid Alfred is too dumb to notice. Sometimes I´m really glad Thomas feels that sort of thing towards me. Maybe it´s not what I should be proud of, but I don´t really care. He won´t tell me off and that´s all what matters. He´s even not such a bad person, he has some good days.

„I don´t think so, Mr Barrow, I have some time between the main course and dessert," Alfred smiles and looks genuine in his own way – that way somebody may find cute, somebody annoying and for me it´s a sign of his stupidity. I don´t know what Thomas thinks about him, but I doubt he considers him as a cute person. It´s me he loves, isn´t it?

I know I shouldn´t think like that because it´s really not good. I wasn´t nice to him – I almost ruined his life – and he still loves me. Alfred said Thomas doesn´t let anybody to say a word against me and I really believe him. I admit it – it really flatters me. I´ve never been loved, not in that way. Many girls had a crush on me, but it was just because of how I look like. But Thomas… I don´t think he would love me after everything what had happened if he liked me only because I´m handsome. And I doubt anybody would take a beating instead of me if he only wanted to save my pretty face.

Sometimes I feel bad for being his friend, because we both know it´s a quite unequal relationship. He loves me and desperately tries not to do anything which would offend or bother me because even if he can´t get my love, friendship is much better than hatred. And I? I´m still not sure what to think about him. I don´t blame him for what he did, but I still feel a bit uneasy when I´m alone with him, because I know that even if he tries not to look like that, he dreams about me loving him everytime he sees me. I know he can´t help himself and I´m very glad he tries to keep this in secret. I feel like I´m using him, even though I don´t know what for. I know he offered me to be friends and it made him very happy when I accepted – it would actually sadden him if I didn´t – but I can´t fight the thought the I take something I´m not allowed to have. I really don´t deserve neither his love, his friendship nor his effort to keep the distance. I´m a bad person and I only deserve to live alone. And still I have a man, who loves me, unreservedly.

„Interesting. And do you expect some spiders to come and tell you once the family eats the main course?" Thomas hisses, frowns at him and gives him one of his arrogant gazes. I can hardly hide my smile, so I stand up and go to the kitchen to check the dessert. I don´t really like visiting kitchen because Ivy is really annoying and drives me insane, but I don´t want to be in one room with upset Thomas.

„Hello, Daisy, how are you doing?" I smile at the assistant cook because I know it will make Ivy jealous and Daisy feel embarassed in one moment what is something I can´t deny myself the pleassure of seing.

„In a rush so I don´t have time to talk to you. Could you please get out of my way, I´m trying to work." She replies and makes herself busy with blending of something.

„You can talk to me, I have plenty of time," Ivy senses opportunity to flirt with me, but I really don´t care about her.

„That´s quite odd that cook is busy when kitchen maid is napping." I say coldly. „Is the souffle ready, Daisy?"

„Of course it is, it waits for some footman who has enough time to be bothered by taking it upstairs." She murmurs and doesn´t spare me a look.

„Lucky thing I am here," I say sarcastically and take the bowl. I let the second one lying here – there´s no need to take it to Alfred. I leave the kitchen and return back to the servants´ hall.

„I just thought I could sit down for a moment, it´s very tiring to serve at the dinner." Alfred stands and looks down at Thomas because he´s much taller than him. But it doesn´t matter, he seems absolutely terrified.

„Don´t you say?! So you are tired? That´s really sad, shouldn´t you go to bed and sleep, little boy? Somebody will do your work, don´t worry. It must be bad for you, to be the only one who works hard here." Thomas narrowed eyes and looks straight into Alfred´s.

„I´m sorry, Mr Barrow." He only manages to say. Thomas is opening mouth to say something else, but I think there was enough of it up to now, so I step in.

„Alfred, we´d better take the dessert upstairs. Go on," I say without any expression. Alfred seems relieved which makes me a bit upset but I don´t care about it too much. Thomas doesn´t give me a look, which is really strange. He always looks at me, usually smiles even. But not now, he just sits down, close eyes and hides face in his hands. I place the bowl with souffle on the table and go closer to him. I´m still not very sure with touching him, but I know something worries him and I find myself quite concerned about what´s the matter with him. I´m just about putting a hand on his shoulder and saying something, when he starts to cough. But it´s not the normal cough you have when you swallow something badly or have to clear your throat. This is a very awful sound which almost makes my blood stop. Thomas is obviously ill, I mean seriously. This is not a cold, I´m afraid it´s not even a flu. This is a serious illness.

Thomas stops doing those sounds like a barking dog and embraces his chest with both arms. I see his shut eyes and expression of pain in his face. This is not something he should be just running around with. If only because of us.

„Mr Barrow?" I squeeze his shoulder gently. „I think you should go to bed and have a rest, you´re obviously ill." It´s quite weird to call him so formally, but I´m afraid to say anything inapropriate when Carson can hear it. He hates me and I´m sure he´s waiting for something I say wrong.

He rises head, looks at me and tries to smile but I see he´s really feeling bad.

„It´s okay, Jimmy, don´t worry about me. I´m just tired, I´ll be alright tomorrow." He manages to smile but I´m as convinced that he´s alright as I would be if he told me he could fly.

„Maybe. So go to bed and have a rest, it would be really better. We can finnish this for you later."

„Thank you but it´s not neccessary, I´ll do my work." He smiles and takes my hand in his, as if he absolutely didn´t notice it. That really assures me he´s ill. He´s never done this before.

„I know I can´t order this to you, but I please you. As your friend. Please, go to bed, Thomas. Maybe you´ll be absolutely alright tomorrow, but better be safe than sorry." I hope I said it firmly, but I´m not sure at all. I´m really worried about him.

„I´ll have to ask Mr Carson, I can´t just - "

„You have to ask about what?" Deep voice sounds right behind us. I almost jump in the air. Thomas lets my hand go and I turn towards the butler.

„Mr Carson, Mr Barrow is obviously ill, but he didn´t want to go to bed even though I said him it would be better if he did." I say before Thomas cathes breathe to say something. Yes, he´s obviously ill. He´s not being speechless usually.

„And you´re what, James, his spokesman?" Mr Carson frowns at me as he usually does. I take the bowl with souffle.

„No I´m not, but he really doesn´t feel well and I did want you to know it because he probably wouldn´t tell you and he could get worse and - " I´ve never spoken so fast.

„Thank you, James, I understand. Mr Barrow, go to bed and have some rest. Are you satisfied now, James?" I feel a bit ashamed that he interrupted my speech as if I was a naughty child, but nothing matters if it finally means Thomas is going to bed.

„Thank you, Mr Carson," I answer.

„Well then. And now, don´t you have your work?" he looks at the bowl.

„Oh, sure, I´m sorry." I almost run away. Alfred is chatting with girls in the kitchen. It´s really ridiculous. Daisy likes him, but he likes Ivy who likes me. I know I would be safe if the maid dated Alfred, but I doubt she´d ever do this. I should talk to him about it, later. Daisy seems to be a nice girl even though she´s a bit silly. But it doesn´t matter, he´s worse than her, and at least she´s good and likes him.

„Alfred, let´s go upstairs!" I call and he quickly grabs the second bowl.

The dessert is as annoying as usual, boring and absolutely ridiculous. I really can´t understand this. They will want some tea – of course after dinner – could I please take some into the library? Yes, milady, of course milord, as you wish, be my guest. If only I could ever see any of you working!

I took them the tea and then we had a supper. I was a bit nervous and I think somebody noticed it but nobody asked me, luckily. Daisy asked where Thomas is so I told her he´s not feeling well. Then I realize he didn´t eat.

„Mr Carson? Could I please take some food to Thomas?" I ask afterwards. „I won´t be there for long."

„I´m really pleased you´re so fond of Mr Barrow, James. And I would be even more pleased if you called him properly. But can I please hear why do you care about him so much lately?"

I feel I´m flushing. I hope it´s not too visible, but I know what the butler thinks. He thinks I and Thomas are…are…lovers. Odd is that I don´t see the idea as absolutely disgusting as before.

„He´s my friend and he´s not feeling well. I want to help him get better as soon as possible, what I think you want too." Maybe it was too daring, but I don´t care.

„Don´t be offended, James. You can take something to Mr Barrow, but don´t be here for long, I think you still have something to do." He says and turns around to go away.

„Thank you," I say and go to the kitchen. On the way, I think about what he asked me. Why am I so fond of Thomas? He´s my friend, yes, but what made me speak for so long to convince Carson Thomas should go to bed? I don´t know. And maybe I don´t want to.

„Daisy? Can I get something for Mr Barrow to eat, please?" I smile at her, she´s not busy now so she can´t send me to Ivy.

„Sure. Are you taking it to him?" She asks and turns back the soup and slices some bread.

„Yeah, I am, nobody seemed to do it."

„I´d like to, I forgot he didn´t eat." She answers over her shoulder.

„It´s fine, I wanted to see him anyway." I smile when she turns back and gives me a tray with food. She smiles back and then she realizes it´s me and looks uninterested.

„Daisy, I´m sorry about Alfred. You know I don´t think Ivy´s better than you. And he´ll find out too, he´s just a bit… stupid." I grin. „I´ll talk to him."

She rises and eyebrow.

„Only is you want, of course." I add.

„Of course I want. I just tried to see something bad in it. Sorry." She smiles, sincerely.

„Don´t apology, I know I gave you reason. Agreed then?"

„Agreed. Thanks, Jimmy. I know he´s a bit slow but I like him anyway." She adds something of the dessert on the tray and hides it under some napkin.

„It´s your choice. He´s a good boy," I give her a smile and leave the kitchen. On my way I stop in the servants´ hall and ignore all the eyes which lie on me as I´m preparing Thomas a big mug of tea. I place it onto the tray and go to his room.

When I´m in front of it, I take the tray into one hand and knock on the door. I don´t wait for answer, because I don´t have much time and I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I don´t know why, because before I´d run away right then. Or better say, I´d never volunteer to take it to him. Interesting.

I step in the room and find Thomas lying in the bed. He has closed eyes in for a moment I´m afraid he´s sleeping. I´m about to leave the tray here and get out before I wake him up, but he opens eyes and tries to smile.

„Hi," I say, „I´ve taken you some food and tea."

„That´s nice of you, thanks," He sits up, but I see it hurts him. Of course he doesn´t say anything because he´s not the one who complains about everything –I guess life taught him to accept anything he has to stand and to try to get as much from it as possible. Like right now.

I give him the tray and he puts it on his bend knees. He takes a spoon and dips it into the soup but doesn´t eat anything.

„So how was the dinner? Did anything happen?" he asks.

„Not really. They were discussing some noble topics I wasn´t able to understand." I sit on a chair and it reminds me a lot of the moment when I and Thomas became friends.

„Lucky you. Sometimes the are very concrete and you wish not to hear them," He says and coughs. It´s not as bad as before but everything in my shouts something´s not alright.

„Mr Barrow, shall I call doctor Clarkson?" I sit nearer to him and scan him.

„No, it´s not that bad. I suppose it looks much worse than it really is. Don´t bother doctor with this." He didn´t manage in convincing me at all.

„I hope it looks worse than it is, because you look terrible, no offense." I notice he didn´t eat anything and the tea lies untouched too.

„So maybe you´d better go, I don´t want to scare you," he wants to laugh to show me he´s perfectly alright, but he starts to cough again.

„You´re scaring me right now," He wants to say something, but I don´t let him. „No, I´m not leaving. You haven´t eaten anything yet. I don´t care much about it, I don´t eat when I´m ill too – which only proves you´re really ill - but you have to drink something."

„Are you a doctor now, Jimmy? Shouldn´t I call you doctor Kent?" He has some sparklet in eyes. I love when he does this. I´ve never noticed, but I love to see his eyes sparkle, it makes me feel he´s not unhappy. But not now. He´s ill. My confused feelings can wait.

„I´m not, but you know better than me what to do with ill people. I´m serious. You have to drink."

„I´ve never thought you´ll force me to do something." He says and tries to sidetrack me.

„Mr Barrow, please." I take his hand into mine and it seems so natural it surprises me. „Don´t you want to make me happy?"

„That´s not fair, you know." He says and takes the mug in one hand. I let go the other one so he can hold it properly, but he frowns at me.

„I´ve never said it´s fair. But I need you to get some fluid into you. So go on. You don´t want me to leave, do you?"

I feel bad for doing this to him, for using his feelings against him, but I have no choice. I´ll apologize later. Once he undrestands he will have to drink, he puts the mug to his lips and take some sips of tea. I can see by what he looks like that it hurts him a lot. I feel even worse when I remember my own illnesses but I know it´s neccessary, despite the fact it hurts me for him. After a quite long time – much longer than I should spend here – he places the mug on the tray and then it all puts on a bedside table. I look in it and see he drank half of the tea. I smile.

„You see, I don´t want to watch you suffer. I´m doing it for your good." I take his hand again, gently squeeze it and look straight into his eyes. I´m used to see this adoration in them, but he looks really pleased to see me here, now, more than usual.

„I´m so happy you came, Jimmy." He only whispers.

„The same as me. But I´m sorry I have to go, otherwise Carson strangles me. I´ll see you before I go to bed, okay?" I smile and stand up.

„You don´t have to come here, Jimmy, do you know that?" He asks with a light grin on his lips.

„Of course I know. I´m not coming here only because you want to. I need to see what´s with you. Lie down and have a rest. You don´t have to stay awake until I come here. I´ll check you anyway. It would be nice to see you sleep. You´ve already seen me sleeping - " That was too much. I shouldn´t have talked about it, not now when he´s ill.

„I´m sorry. I´m sorry, I didn´t mean to offend you." I say feverishly, headlong.

„It´s alright, I know you didn´t want to, not after you did so much to care about me. But I hope I´ll be awake anyway, I don´t want to miss an opportunity to have you for myself." He lies down and lets go my hand.

„Don´t struggle sleep. It will make you feel better." I say and walk to the door.

„Don´t worry, doctor Kent," he grins at me.

„Good night, Mr Barrow," I reply and leave the room.


	2. Consequences

_**Thanks everybody who read the first chapter, I really appreciate it, it made me so happy. Also huge thanks to everybody who reviewed, favorited or followed the story. I can´t say how happy I am. I hope you enjoy this chapter and please note English is not my mother tongue so forgive me some spelling or grammatic mistakes.**_

* * *

I go to the servants´ hall to ask Carson what he wants me to do. Really that is the question – not if, but what, because he always has work for me.

„James, where were you?" The butler asks and I need some effort to resist rolling eyes.

„I took Mr Barrow some food and tea." I reply, steady and calm.

„And is he getting better?" Carson rises an eyebrow.

„Honestly, I don´t think so, Mr Carson. He would never admit but I think he´s seriously ill. I told him I´ll call doctor Clarkson, but he didn´t want to hear about it."

„So you were taking care of him, weren´t you?" He asks and can see the anger in his eyes. What the hell I forgot to do?

„I was, Mr Carson. You allowed me to." I know I shouldn´t be so cheeky, but that´s me. _That´s what Thomas loves…_ I grin.

„Is there something funny, James?" Carson shouts. Shit! I really crossed the Rubicon. I won´t be surprised if he gives Alfred the position of the first footman right now. Or even gets me fired.

„No, Mr Carson."

„I think so. And now, if you don´t mind, lord Cartwright wants to get dressed. It was Mr Barrow´s work, but because he´s ill, I´m afraid it´s yours now."

„Yes, Mr Carson," I feel as if I was a vax figurine, able to say three or four sentences.

„I would like you to know that he rang about ten minutes ago that he wants to get ready for night. You´d better hurry."

„What? Why didn´t you say this before?!" I yell.

„I beg your pardon?! You should realize who you are talking to. And I would tell you before, if you weren´t… taking care about Mr Barrow." The way he said the end of the sentence makes me feel he doesn´t believe me Thomas is seriously ill. He doesn´t care about it, he only thinks we are doing something inappropriate. It drives me insane. He SAW Thomas! He must admit he´s really ill!

„I´m really sorry if you don´t agree, but I think Thomas´ health is much more important than pyjamas´ of all lords and ladies in the world!" I scream and run away before he can say anything. I don´t look back and run straight into a room I assume to be the one of the lord _I-have-no-idea-what´s-the-name_. I can´t catch breathe which is not good but he´ll at least see that I tried.

„I´m sorry to be late, sir, but - " The room is empty. I check the other guest rooms quickly, but I was in the right one, definitely. It was the only one with a made up bed. Which can mean two things, it´s either a disaster or nothing´s wrong and that gentleman didn´t want to go to bed. I go down to the library where they were before. I adjust my livery and knock on the door. After some time I open it.

Everyone is here, thank God. Lord _I-have-no-idea-what´s-his-name_ chats with lady Mary. I shouldn´t go there, because as far as I know, he´s here to know her better because he wants to marry her, but I really don´t care. I go to them and stand here so they can´t overlook me too long.

„Do you need something, James?" Mary asks me.

„I´m sorry to bother you, but I wanted you to know that Mr Barrow who should have been your valet, is seriously ill, sir, so I´m going to be your valet for your future staying here. My name´s James." I say like a well-trained monkey.

„Thank you for saying me. Actually I´m starting to feel a bit tired and I want to be fresh tomorrow so will you please join me?" He smiles at lady Mary.

„Will you excuse me, Mary?" I almost gasp. Mary? He doesn´t call her _lady_ Mary?!

„Of course, Antonio. Good night." Antonio?! What a name is this?!

„Good night. This evening was very pleasant, I hope tomorrow will be as good as today." He goes towards his room and I follow him. During the way, I think about him. He looks good – ah, what do I think, how should I know if a man looks good?! One thing is that I feel something to Thomas – maybe – but this?! I thought I´m starting to like Thomas because he´s so kind to me and I love that he loves me. But considering a man to be good-looking is something totally different.

I don´t want to be a gay! I can´t be a gay. No. But the more I try to convince myself, the more I know it´s truth. I´m like Thomas. And I like Thomas. I´ve always felt something strange in his presence, but I tried to say myself I hated him. I didn´t. I´ve been attached to him, because I love his soul, the deep sadness only I can send away. So. Now, when I admitted it to myself, am I prepared to say it to him? Am I prepared to stand his sight? I am not. Of course. I was in this situation so many times and I´ve never gained enough courage.

„James?" Lord _I-don´t-know-his-name-and-I-don´t_-_care_ turns to me.

„I´m sorry, I was thinking. What did you say?" I smile.

„I asked you if you could wake me up at seven o´clock tomorrow."

„Of course," I nod and he enters his room. For some time I just help him undressing. It´s a bit awkward, especially when I know how it is with me and how…well, how good he looks.

„Do you think lady Mary likes me?" He asks sudenly. I hide a grin.

„I have no clue, mylord. I only saw you for a while, but according to what I saw I think you have a chance." I reply and pray for a quick end of this all.

„Thank you, James. You can go now, I can manage the rest by myself. Please don´t forget to wake me up."

„Sure. Good night, mylord." I go from his room as quickly as I can. Then I run into Thomas´ room. I have to talk to him before facing Carson. I knock on the door and go in. Thomas is perfectly awake now.

„Jimmy! I didn´t expect you to be here so soon. Why did Carson release you so soon?" he asks and sits up. I sit down on the chair I left here before and get some time for thinking.

„He didn´t. But I´m afraid my dismissal is waiting for me so I want to spend some time with you before I have to pack my bags."

„What?" His voice leapes. „What the hell did you do, Jimmy?! I left you unattended for a while and you got sacked." I have to admit I think this is sweet. I absolutely adore how he cares about me, how he wants the best for me, no matter what. It´s just so intoxitating I almost can´t breathe. I feel like being loved is the best feeling in the world. And I deny it to him. I don´t say him he´s loved. I don´t even show him how much he means to me. I wish I wasn´t a coward.

„Jimmy! Tell me, immediately!" He seems terrified, his eyes wide and shining. Or maybe it´s just the illness.

„You´ll say me I was a fool." I say and for the first time I feel ashamed. Of course I did it because I couldn´t stand the thought of Carson saying Thomas pretends illness to spend time with me. I did it because of my reputation, of course. _Or you did it because you love him_. I have to shut my subcosciousness up. This is not a good time for my stupid emotions.

„You know I wouldn´t tell a bad word about you." He smiles and reaches for my hand. Then he hesitates and lets it fall back. I want to take it. I really want, to feel his skin on mine, to caress him. But I can´t.

„You will now." I sigh. „Nevermind, you wouldn´t let me go if I didn´t tell you. So… I came down from visiting you here. After some really bad things Carson told me I don´t want to discuss, he said – just by the way – that I have to take care about that stupid lord who wants to marry lady Mary. It was Mr Barrow´s work but now when he´s ill, you´ll have to do it." I manage to imitate Carson´s voice almost perfectly. I can see it on Thomas´ face. Suddenly I remember the moment when I was playing the piano and he said: „It seems to be no end in Jimmy´s talents!" or something like that. I blush just when I think about how pleased I was.

„Well and the worst of all – the lord rang about ten minutes ago that he wants to get ready for the night. That´s what he said. And yes, also: You´d better hurry. Or something like that." I pause to catch breathe because now it comes.

„I lost my temper. You know what I´m like, I don´t need much to explode. And he really drives me insane. So I said something like: Why didn´t you tell me before?! You know what he´s like when it comes to good manners – and to me."

„That´s not too bad, you won´t get fired for this." He coughes so it looks as if his answer wasn´t sincere.

„It´s not all." I mumble and lower eyes to my knees. „He said he would tell me if I wasn´t taking care about you. He said it as if it was something bad…" I stop talking for a while and feel my cheeks being hotter and hotter. „I really couldn´t stand that. So I… I shouted that your health is much more important than pyjamas of all lords and ladies in the world. And ran away." I can´t rise my head, I can´t look into his piercing, beatiful eyes. Not after this. For me it´s the same as if I confessed love to him. Which I´m not sure about. I´m still not sure.

It takes some time for Thomas to response, but I don´t look at him. I know he´s scanning me, I can feel his sight on me but I don´t move. After a torturous time, he finally speaks.

„Well, I have to admit I think you acted foolishly." His voice is different from usual. I never noticed I knew his voice so well, but know when it´s not the same – because of the illness I guess – I realize it. It´s painful. I love his voice – and I can´t get it. I can´t bear the idea of not seeing him any longer so I look at him, full of shame. When I see him, he´s obviously ill. He´s pale, eyes shine and I can see the sweat on his forehead. He is – well, packaged, I can´t see any better word – in the blanket, and he´s trembling. That´s not good. I don´t have to have medical education or experience to see he has a fever and it´s still getting worse. Oh Thomas, let me help you!

„But I appreciate what you did. That you came and also that you said that. I´m seriously worried about you – I don´t deny that – but you don´t know how pleased I am to hear that." _Believe me or not, I really know._ I can´t think about my miserable life because he starts to cough again, and now it´s really bad. My heart aches just when I see him.

„Don´t talk about me, when I think about it, I´m too valuable to get sacked. And you´re too valuable to be ill too long, so I´ll have to let you rest and face my fate, whatever it is." I sigh.

„Valuable?" He croaks.

„For the abbey," I say. Then I watch him more carefully and see disappointment and sadness in his eyes. This is the time. When is more neccessary for him to feel happy than now when he´s ill? „and for me." I whisper and stand up. I don´t think when I do what I do, I just let my body to control me. The lust does its part, my stupidity and loneliness the second one. I feel my heart beat faster and faster. I breathe too hard. And I didn´t even…

I did. I lean over him and kiss him on the right cheek. He´s absolutely astonished. And so am I, to be honest. I want more, and he wants it too, but I´m too scared of what I did, that I leave the room almost without saying a word. I only return back to smile at him.

„Take care of yourself, Thomas." I grin and go out. It was a good idea to go there, it helped me to talk about it. No, actually it was the kiss what helped me. Never mind, I feel like I can deal with anything what will happen to me.

Actually, not enough. I go down to the servants´ hall. Well, I expected Carson, but Mrs Hughes? Oh God, I´m starting to be seriously worried. I came here and try to look contritely. I wonder where everybody is.

„James, here you are. What did lord Cartwright say?" Carson asks. I have to be careful.

„He questioned me about what I suppose lady Mary thinks about him and asked me to wake him up at seven o´clock tomorrow." I answer truthfully and try to look into his eyes only as much as it´s neccessary.

„Awesome," he tries to hide his disappointment.

„James, you know why we are here," Mrs Hughes speaks. I think she saved the day, as usual.

„I know, Mrs Hughes. I will apologize for my demeanor, but not for my opinions." I say firmly. „I´m really sorry I was rude to you, Mr Carson, and I hope it won´t happen again."

I shouldn´t have said the thing about opinions. I should have just apologize and be quiet.

„So do I, James. But I´m afraid I can´t let you unpunished. I hope you understand that." So now it comes.

„I do, Mr Carson,"

„I´m glad to hear that. About that – you can´t leave Downton in next month. Do you understand?" He frowns at me, but he has no idea how happy he made me. Only a month of house arrest!

„I do, Mr Carson," I reply again and try not to show any emotion – that I´m too happy. I´m so, so happy I can stay here with Thomas!

„That´s all, James. You can go." He releases me.

„Thank you," I say and go out. I´m free! I can get anything I want now. I´m staying here, even though I was so… Oh, I think I´m going to be a believer. I have to go and see Thomas. I´m sure he´s dying for some information about me. I go towards his room and almost sing.

„Jimmy?"

„Yes, Mrs Hughes?" I turn around.

„How is Mr Barrow? I mean really?" She seems to be really worried. I don´t know what happened, but she obviously care about him, and he says only good things about her.

„Actually, I don´t know. He pretends it´s nothing, but I think he´s seriously ill. He has a fever, for sure, and a terrible cough. He didn´t want to hear anything about calling the doctor, but I´m going to do that anyway, tomorrow." I say feverishly, trying to convince at least her.

„Good, I agree with you. As far as I know him, he´d pretend he´s alright even if he had a knife in the heart."

„That´s true. I´m going to see him, right now, can I?"

„I can´t see any reason why not. Say him I wish him to recover soon." She smiles and opens the door to her office. „Good night,"

„I will. Night," I smile back and hurry to Thomas´ room. The closer I´m to it, the less confident I am. What the hell I have done? How am I supposed to just go here to his room and pretend I´m straight?! I´m not, of course. I kissed him so I finally lost my position as his friend – the object of his platonic love, something he desperately wants but can´t get. Not now, when I gave him the hope. And also to myself. I was afraid of the moment he´ll realize he´s important for me. And now I only feel relief and joy. I don´t know what to expect from him, but it will change, I´m sure. And I´m prepared for it, I want it. Don´t I?


	3. Sending away

_**Again, I thank everybody who read this and I hope you like it. I´m really happy to read any review, it lights my day. **_

_**Please forgive me some spelling or gramatical mistakes.**_

I don´t slow down because I´m not sure I wouldn´t run away. I take the handle of the door in hand and I´m about opening it, but then I realize how cold Thomas obviously was. I turn around and go to the room with some indwelling blankets, pillows and other stuff like that. I take one blanket and after short thinking about my childhood, I also take one pillow, knowing it´s better to sleep on two of them when you have this kind of illness.

With this I go back. On the way I meet Ivy. Out of all people it must be her! She really annoyes me and I´ve told her she means nothing to me several times, but she seems she went deaf when I said so. I try to pretend I don´t see her, But I don´t succeed.

„Jimmy? Are you moving in somewhere?" She asks and most probably thinks it´s seductive. It´s not.

„Yeah, I´m going to sleep in Mr Barrow´s bed. Good night," I reply coldly and continue in my way, leaving her confused behind me. _Well, it doesn´t sound like a bad idea… If only I could._ I try to resist, but my imagination started to work before. I see myself in Thomas´ arms, pretending sleep while he´s gently caressing my skin, planting sweet kisses on every place of my body and whispering words I shouldn´t hear from a man. And then, when he says: „I love you," I open my eyes, meet his sight and answer: „I love you, too. So much." And then everything but us quits when I pull him closer to me for another kiss. And something more.

I sigh. I can´t get through this. It nearly kills me. I´ve never experienced something like that, I´ve never been touched by another person this way. Girls wanted me, but I didn´t want them. I thought it was just that I didn´t meet the right one, but now I know I was never interested in them.

I open Thomas´ room´s door and step in. He lies and has eyes closed. I know I shouldn´t wake him up, but I see how cold he is. He´s hidden under the blanket. He just looks so cute when he sleeps. I want to kiss him, I want to take him in my arms and never let him go… I absolutely understand why he stole a kiss from me that night. He simply couldn´t resist the temptation. Even though I doubt I looked so gorgeous. I would never be so handsome if I was ill.

I´m awaken from my thoughts very harshly. Thomas´ cough is even worse than I remember. I forget everything and go straight to him, but he seems to be sleeping. I´ve never heard something so dreadfully scary as this. I place the blanket and pillow on his table and kneel down beside his bed.

„Shh, shh, Thomas. Wake up!" I want to shake his shoulder, but it seems to be too cruel. Instead I run my fingers across his face tenderly, realizing how hot his flesh seems to be. I touch my own cheek inadvertently and I can feel how colder it is.

„Thomas, wake up." I whisper in his ear. I almost want to cry when he coughs again. But thanks God, he opens eyes soon. I can´t compare my relief to anything I´ve ever felt.

„Jimmy, whatcha do-" he starts to cough in the middle of his sentence. I watch him fearfully. „doing here?" He manages to complete his question.

„I came to say you that I will stay here. I only can´t go anywhere but Downton next month, what is not a disaster. And to see how are you doing. To force you to drink something. And to take you some cover so you won´t tremble so much." I say, fingertips of my left hand still resting on his cheek. I realize it, but not put them back. I´m close to him, much closer than I should be according to that he´s ill, but I don´t care.

„That seems to be… a pretty long visit." He whispers and luckily stays silent.

„I said Ivy I´m sleeping here, so don´t worry." I grin when I remember that.

„What?" he rises an eyebrow and coughes again.

„Don´t talk. Could you sit down? You should drink something." I say feverishly, feeling a fear.

„I´m not a woman who´s about giving a birth, Jimmy." He sits up, but he´s probably really suffering and cold because he hides arms under the blanket.

„What do you want? Should I bring you something?" I stand up.

„I assure you I really don´t recognize the taste. I hurts too much." His voice breakes as if he doesn´t want me to know he feels the pain.

„Uhm…okay. So…" I blush because it´s quite awkward to take such a care about a man so I rather just work. I take the second pillow I brought here and give it to him. „You shouldn´t cough so much if you lie on two of them." I mumble. He takes it from me with thanks. I turn back and place the second blanket on him. I don´t look at him when I adjust it on his knees. It´s a thick blanket made of feathers, if he´s cold under this… well, I don´t want to think about that possibility.

I take the mug with tea which was lying on the bedside table, apparently not touched since my leaving. I can still feel the warmth of it, so I hand it to Thomas.

„Just… I know it hurts, but you would feel worse if you didn´t drink anything." I say awkwardly. He tries to smile but because his attempt is not going well, he hides himself behind the porcelain. I can see his neck moving while he´s swallowing with a pain. There is a silence, terrible, torturous silence between us for a long time, disturbed only by few moans escaping Thomas´ mouth. Finally I can´t stand it any longer.

„It´s enough, don´t kill yourself," I say, watching him as he lays the mug on the table again. As far as I see, it´s almost empty.

„You should really find out what you want," he smirks and contorts face.

„You´re too tired. You should sleep. I only came to see if you don´t cause your own death or something. I will leave the door open so if you needed something, just call my name, okay?" I smile at him.

„Don´t go. I feel much better when you are here." He begs me, his beautiful eyes beseeching.

„Well then, but just for a little while." I sit down beside him on the bed. For some time he just watches me and I feel quite nervous, because I´m afraid he´s reading my mind. And yes, he will surely ask me that one question I don´t want to hear. Or better say, answer.

„I had a beautiful dream when I slept, Jimmy," he says, looking absolutely innocent. I rise an eyebrow in confusion. What is this? I was quite sure he will ask me about that kiss. „I was ill, as ill as I am now, and I was sitting right here in this bed and then you came and told me something. We were discussing it and then you said you had to go. I was unhappy, because I enjoyed – and always enjoy – your presence a lot. But then you gave me the sweetest compensation you could. Do you know what you did?"

I know he knows that it wasn´t a dream. So is he doing this? What a cruel game is he playing with me? And then I realize it´s not a cruel game. He just wants me to have a chance to deny it, to say it really was a dream. Typical Thomas. He gives up everything he has just to save me or make me feel happy. Does he ever think about himself? _Everytime he doesn´t care about you._

I can deny it and save my being straight. Or I can admit it and make us both happy. I have two options and I can´t say which one is wrong. If I admit I´m gay – which I´m afraid I really am. I can´t hide it from myself any longer. Not now in Thomas´ presence – I will make him happy. I will let myself be myself, I will let him love me and show him he´s not alone. On the other side, it would be dangerous. I remember how close he was from being prisoned. It´s dangerous for people like us. Do I want to risk? Do I want to expose Thomas the risk of being caught and imprisoned? Does he want me to? Oh, what a stupid question, of course he does. Why would he show me his feelings if he didn´t want to risk that? But do I have the right to do it? I can cause we will both be happy but in a terrible danger.

What do I want? If only I knew this. I want to get more time – I need more time. I´m sure I don´t want to reject Thomas, but I´m still not ready for facing the truth, even though it´s staring me in the face. He doesn´t force me to answer soon, he doesn´t say anything – he even manages not to cough.

„I don´t know. Kissed you?" I say as if I didn´t know anything about it at all. And hope he will understand.

„Yes, that´s exactly what you did." He just replies, obviously not willing to say anything more.

„I should go. You´d better have a rest." I say because I really feel quite uncomfortable. I don´t want to hurt his feels – that´s the last thing I would want – but I can´t just say: „Thomas, I´m probably in love with you. Come and hug me!"

„Thank you, Jimmy, I feel a bit sleepy right now." He slowly moves his body to lie down. I can´t ignore the fact the he´s still trembling, not willing to let any part of his body outside the blankets, if it´s not neccessary.

„Will you come in the morning?" He asks. He watches me with a serious fear. Does he suppose I think he said me to never see him again and now he´s regretting his words? How could I ever take anything he said when he´s ill seriously? He has a fever and since then his brain is not working as it would usually do. On the other hand, I couldn´t take seriously also the things I wanted to hear.

„Of course I will, why wouldn´t I?" I say firmly.

„Because I doubt it´s a nice look. Actually, I think I´m quite a hideous creature right now. Moreover, I´m ill, so I should avoid everybody." I see. I hope this doesn´t mean he doesn´t want me there, because I will come.

„Don´t be so happy. You won´t get rid of me so easily." I grin. „I suggest you close your eyes, so maybe your dream will return back to you."

_What?! James Kent, what have you done?! You say him to stay away and now you´re flirting with him? Is it normal?! _

„Maybe. Good night, then." He says and wants to peacefully close eyes, but a new wave of cough makes his body to curl up into a ball. He turns sideways, face towards me, but finds it uncomfortable because of the pillows very soon, so he lies on the back again.

„Good night," I whisper and for some time I just watch him. After few minutes I realize I should go to bed as well, so I encourage myself to do what I want to do. And what I feel he understood I was talking about. I stand up, lean over him and let myself some time with him. As far as this is his dream, he´ll stay asleep.

I find my fingertips running across his face, gently caressing his pale skin. I try not to be worried about how hot his skin seems to be. It´s even worse than it was before. Finally, I place a light but loving kiss on his forehead. It´s as light as butterfly wings, but I hope he enjoys it anyway.

„Sleep well, darling," I whisper. Isn´t this what the dream Jimmy would have done?

Thomas smiles and embraces the blankets as if he was really having a nice dream. I almost want to shake with him, wake him up and hide myself in his arms. I don´t do it, because of several reasons, but I can´t resist the temptation to kiss him again.

I´m waken up by some sound. I look around and find out it´s not dark yet, but I can´t talk about a daylight either. I stand up and want to look what´ s going on. I don´t have to wait for the reason too long.

I let Thomas´ and mine rooms´ door open as I said, so now it´s him I hear. He surely must have coughed all the night, but this is different. It lasts for a longer time and sounds like… no!

I run to him and force him to sit up. He leans against my chest when I sit next to him, closes eyes and take some deep breaths, swallows the air with open mouth and I can hear some hiss or whatever in his chest. I must be more serious than I expected (and wanted it to be).

I only hold him in my arms, whisper something really foolish which doesn´t mean anything and have only purpose – to calm him by the sound of my voice and show him he´s not alone, he´s loved, he´s needed and he´s going to be better.

He doesn´t say anything. I think he´s too tired. He´s pale and has black marks under his eyes so I guess he didn´t sleep too much. I still mumble those stupid words and frases, such as: „You´ll be fine." Or „It´s okay." The only thing I mean seriously is: „I´m here with you." Because I am.

„Jimmy?" he wheezes.

„Yes?" I ask, not pulling apart from him.

„I don´t want you to get ill, too. Do you understand? So please… go. Come to bring my breakfast, if you want, but you can´t be here and risk your health." I freeze. I stop caressing his arm and just think about what he said.

I should have answered something really long and heartbroken, that I love him and will be near him, in good or bad – even thought we weren´t married – that I don´t care if I get ill, it´s just neccessary to make him recover. Instead, I burst out: „What?" which was the most intelligent reply I could think about.

„Don´t pretend you´re stupid, Jimmy. You know that whatever this illness is, you shouldn´t be here, so close to me. It´s dangerous for you." He sighs. „Don´t get me wrong. I´m happy you want to be here. I´m so happy I can´t even tell you how much. But I really care about your health – and this is not good. I don´t say you should never enter this room until I´m completely recovered. Just don´t spend so much time…so close to me." He adds and right then, as if to confirm his words, he coughs again. I hold him and let him be. And I feel blood in my cheeks when he said „so close to me." Did he mean anything else than helping him not to suffocate?

„If you want me so…" I say, still holding him.

„I do. Please. I´m sure I´m getting better soon." He answers and pulls away from me. I try to ignore the unpleasant feeling of fear which sits in my chest. I try to convince myself he´s right about the recovery. And I have to force Mrs Hughes to call th doctor.

„Well then. I´m coming to check you and bring you something to drink later. Try to rest," I smile, feeling uneasy about leaving him here. But I don´t have a heart to argue with him when he´s ill – he wouldn´t win and feel even worse. He always wins when we argue.

I give him one last look only to see he´s hiding face in hands, obviously because of a headache. I turn around quickly so I don´t have to look at him when he suffers, even though it breaks my heart into pieces.


	4. Unexpected friendship and hidden news

_**Huge thanks to all of you who read and reviewed. I´m happy you like my story and you are so concerned about Thomas. But don´t expect me to tell you more about his fate, you´ll read about it.**_

_**This chapter is a bit longer so I hope you don´t mind, it couldn´t be shorter. I´m sorry for any mistakes.**_

* * *

Next time I wake up, it´s morning. I get dressed quickly – not forgetting to do my hair. When I find myself looking appropriately for the day, I look at the clock. It´s ten to six. I feel tired as if I didn´t sleep at all. I leave my room and close the door.

On my way down to the servants´ hall, I can´t overlook Thomas´ room. I let the door open, so I look inside. He´s probably sleeping, currently uncovered, the blankets lying beside him. If he is hot, the fever most probably got better during the night. Which could mean he´s better. I close the door so other people won´t wake him up when they work. Especially Alfred can be very noisy.

I come down to the servants´ hall and kneel down to start the fire. It´s supposed to be Alfred´s work here, but I don´t mind it know. It makes me busy so I don´t feel so useless. I flatten the wooden sticks in the fireplace, filling the pyramid I made with paper and wicker. I take the matches and want to start the fire, when a girl´s voice sounds.

„Jimmy? What are you doing here?" I turn around and look at Daisy. She is blending something in a big bowl leaning towards her chest. I remember our conversation yesterday and feel bad for not talking to Alfred.

„I´m starting a fire." I answer and turn back to finish my work. After some time it´s shining bright red.

„Isn´t it Alfred´s duty?" She asks, looking confused. I say myself to talk to Alfred as soon as possible.

„It is, but I couldn´t sleep so I thought I´d do it." I stand up and dust off my knees. „What are you doing?"

„Apple pie, it´s Mrs Patmore´s favourite and we can´t do it because we should do what most people like, but I don´t care. I want to do something nice for her."

„It´s surely because of that and because Ivy hates it, isn´t it?" I blink at her. She smiles and her cheeks go a bit redder.

„It´s surely not because of Ivy." She says firmly. „But Jimmy, you should tell me what´s the matter with you. Don´t get me wrong, but you barely finish the work what you should do. And now you did Alfred´s one." She looks really concerned. Why wouldn´t I tell her – I don´t have to talk about my messed feelings towards Thomas. I really like her because she is the only one here who seems to like me as a friend and only as a friend. Sad.

„Is it Thomas?" She adds when I don´t respond for some time. At first I´m surprised she called him with his given name, but then I realize she used to call him Thomas for a long time.

„Yes. I´m afraid he´s not very well. You know him – he´d rather eat his right hand than admit he doesn´t feel good. He looks quite bad to be honest. And everything I can do is to watch him and pray for his recover." I sigh. She steps closer to me and caresses my arm. It´s such an unexpected motion from her. But it´s not unpleasant.

„Thomas is strong. He´ll be fine. You have to believe it. Come, I´ll give you something to eat, you look quite pale." She leads me to the kitchen. I wonder where everybody is, but I don´t care, I´m satisfied with Daisy´s company.

She says me to close eyes so she most probably has something really special. When I open them again, she holds a bowl full of strawberries in front of me. She grins and looks quite proud. I don´t blame her.

„Where did you get them?! Are they real? Oh God, Daisy, it´s april!" I shout and stare at the strawberries. She smiles.

„They´re for lady Edith´s birthday. She loves them so Her ladyship told us to bake a strawberry cake for her. She ordered them somewhere in Spain or so. I´ll give you some if you don´t say anybody." She grins.

„May I? Won´t you have any problem because of it?" I ask.

„No, I can spare some, but you mustn´t tell anybody."

„Do I really look so miserable?" I say while I take the two bigest red fruits.

„You look great as usual, but I thought something good would cheer you up." She hides the bowl again and smiles at me. I eat the strawberries as long as I can, juice flowing down my hands. Once I eat them, I really want more, but I can´t ask Daisy for another.

„Tell me, how can you resist it?" I ask, looking on the bowl with lust.

„I can´t eat them. If I do, I get some rash and cough. Trust me, it´s not any temptation for me. That´s why Mrs Patmore told me even though Ivy has no idea about them." She smirks.

„You naughty girl! You´re happy about it, aren´t you?"

„About not being able to eat strawberries?" She asks, but right then she answers my real question. „Yeah, it´s a great feeling."

„I don´t like her either." I admit. „I´m glad I´ve talked to you, Daisy, it really cheered me up."

„Who started the fire?" Alfred steps into the kitchen and looks at us.

„I´m sorry to disturb you or anything, didn´t know that…" He stammers. And goes bright red. Daisy is staring at him motionless, so it´s me to save the day.

„You don´t disturb. We were just discussing some stupid guy Daisy fancies. He´s really quite dull, but he´s a good boy and she likes him. Unfortunately, he seems to like somebody else who really doesn´t deserve him." I say. It could be quite dangerous since we are in the kitchen and Daisy looks like she´s going to take anything she can and hit me with it.

„Really? Who is it?" He asks with interest. Daisy widens her eyes and begs me for mercy. Well, I promised her to talk to him. I can do it now.

„I said he was stupid." I say. „Daisy, you have to be patient. Alfred" I look at him, making sure he notices I talk about him, „is really STUPID. But he´s good." I add and leave the kitchen before the assistant cook kills me.

All the day I´m trying to do my work as quickly as possible so I can go and check Thomas. He keeps saying it´s not good for me, but I don´t care about it. I forced him to drink even though he probably hates me right now. I don´t care. It scares me how ill he is and I want my Thomas back as soon as possible. About lunch Mrs Hughes called doctor Clarkson and he kindly said he´ll come. I´m waiting for him impatiently. I need to know how serious it is with Thomas – even though I´m scared. I don´t deny it, I´m afraid of what´s going to happen. I try to spend some time brushing of some coat of _Lord-I-have-no-idea-about-his-name-but-it´s-weird_ who is currently on a walk with lady Mary. It´s a boring work and I don´t have to think about it at all, so I´m still with Thomas. I have to sit down here and it´s torturous. I want to be with him.

When I visited him after lunch, he looked even worse than in the morning. He was pale and his fever obviously got worse because he was hidden under blankets I almost couldn´t see him. It´s frightening how Thomas – proud, brave Thomas – disappeared and was replaced by a shadow of himself. It scares me to death.

The worst is that he doesn´t let me touch him. If I get closer to him than he thinks is neccessary, he starts to tell me off – and cough. I´m terribly lonely and desperate. I want him to know he´s not alone, now when he needs to be supported, and he sends me away. I can´t stand that – and I can´t hide how hurt I feel. He must see it in my eyes, in every motion I do. And he still doesn´t let me even caress him.

Doesn´t he see how much I need him?! Doesn´t he care about me at all?! Doesn´t he know I have to be close to him, to believe he´s getting better?!

I feel I´ll die if I have to watch him suffer without anything to do to help him. It´s killing me. I don´t know how he feels, but I know I feel as much pain as he does. However it´s not the same sort of pain, it´s strong and it overwhelms me.

Finally the front door ring rings and I jump up and almost run to open the door and let doctor in. I´m here first, Mrs Hughes right after me. I open the door and doctor steps in. He smiles at me but he talks to Mrs Hughes because she´s more important, blah, blah, blah. Why do we just chat here when Thomas is ILL?! I don´t care about their talking, I just want to know what´s the matter with Thomas and when he´ll be alright. I´m thinking enough not to shout on the doctor telling him I´m Thomas´ best friend therefore I´m more important than Mrs Hughes in this case. But the most important is Thomas.

Finally we reach his room, but it took eones of time. Nobody seems complaining about me being here and I´m grateful. I need to be here. If not for Thomas then for me. Mrs Hughes asks doctor Clarkson whether he´ll want to have a cup of tea upstairs or not and he says that it´s kind but not, because he has to be at Mrs Crawley´s for a tea. I just hope he won´t hurry just because he wants to spend more time with her. Just when I think about it I know it´s stupid. He wouldn´t do it and it was really bad from me to even suspect something like that.

He frowns at me when it look like I´m going to be here but I pretend I didn´t see that. He knocks on the door and an unrecognizable sound which could be considered as „Come in." in Thomas´ now weak voice. Doctor opens the door and we both step in.

„Good afternoon," he says, smiling at Thomas. The patient just lies in bed, being pale and covered with sweat. He tries to say something but I can´t hear what it is. I know this. It´s the voice you have when you need to cough to clear your throat, but you don´t want to cough because it would mean pain you don´t want to suffer.

„I guess they were right about you being ill." Doctor says. I guess Thomas doesn´t feel any need to respond to this.

„At first, I need to ask you if you don´t mind your… friend to be here when I examine you. I need to ask even though he tried to convince me you wouldn´t let me touch you if he wasn´t there." Doctor tries to hide his smile, but he´s not succesful. Thomas raises corners of his mouth in smile which makes me feel much better. Until he starts to cough again. I don´t care about anything – doctor, Thomas´ attempts to keep me away – and run straight to him, support him to sit so he can breathe more easily. He´s shaking again and I can feel how his power is leaving him. I almost cry. It almost breakes me to see Thomas so weak.

„I – I don´t mind him. Please let him here." He says and smiles at me. I hold him for a bit longer than I should and then I go and lean against wall so I won´t hinder doctor in his work. I don´t know what he´s doing, but I don´t care, I just want to know the result. But from his expression it´s not happy. Sometimes he orders Thomas to do something like rising hands or breathing deeply and he does it. Nothing more. It´s torturous and I fid myself tapping in a quick and savage rhythm, unable to control it. I feel so nervous I´m forgetting to breathe. I´m so out of situation I don´t even admire Thomas´ body. He didn´t lose anything of his beauty, it´s just not as visible as usual.

After a torturous amount of time, doctor finally lets Thomas to lie back down. Thomas looks relieved, but he starts to cough right when he moves. I come to hold him even though I can´t help him. I just want to pretend I´m useful.

Doctor is scanning us with thoughtful sight, but I don´t care. I am his best friend. He´s badly ill. I have a right to help him. Normally I would hold him longer to feel he´s here, but I don´t want doctor to suspect anything. I don´t want anybody to know about me. I´m still feeling awkward and I can´t talk about it, not even with Thomas. I don´t want to give him any hope if I´m not sure.

„So… Mr Barrow. I don´t deny this is serious." Doctor say. I bite my lower lip. „Why didn´t you tell me or anybody else you were having some problems? This has gone very far, I´m afraid. Of course, it could be some harmless group of viruses on a trip, but it´s serious. You should have told us before."

I feel the taste of blood. I bit my lip so hard it started to bleed. I feel hysteria bubbling in my chest, I feel I´m going to burst out laughing, madly, without any reason, unhappily. I´m pathetic. I should comfort Thomas and support him and instead I´m very close to collapse.

„I thought… I thought it wasn´t important. I had many things to do and you know the rush in here. I didn´t want to bother anybody with some stupid headache caused by leaning above silver."

What? How would silver be able to cause a headache? Before I can stop it, my imagination starts to picture spoons, plates and other dishes, having legs and arms and beating Thomas in the head. Suddenly I start to giggle. At first quietly, but then I control myself less and less and finally I laugh hard and I can´t stop. I´ve never experienced anything like this before. I don´t know if I am laughing or crying, I curled up on the floor and now I´m sobbing and laughing.

„Jimmy?" Thomas´ voice sounds worried which makes me laugh again. I´m the worried one, he shouldn´t care about me. I´m shaking, swinging and nothing can stop me. I´m short of breath, my stomach aches from the laughter.

„James? Jimmy! Calm down. Breathe. Can you hear me?" Doctor Clarkson kneels beside me, touching my arm and saying something really nonsential so I laugh even harder. It hurts, but I laugh, laugh and cry and try to figure out what´s going on.

„Jimmy. Jimmy. It´s me, Thomas. Please, calm down. Please." Thomas hides me in his arms. I stop laughing for a while, because I have to seriously think about this – Thomas embracing me. I have to enjoy it. Maybe I should be hysterious more often.

„That´s it, Jimmy. Breathe. You´re alright. I´m here, everything´s fine." He whispers in my ear and I feel like a baby in mother´s arms. And I enjoy it. My breath slows down, I stop trembling and start to think seriously. What was that?!

„You´re doing it well. Just breathe. You don´t have to do anything but that." He says and his arms disappear. To my disappointment. Then I hear his terrible cough and I´m absolutely awake. Hysteria is trying to suffocate me again, but I resist it. I grit my teeth to kill a next wave of stupid giggle.

In the meantime, Thomas stops coughing. He hides himself in the bed, but even the smallest motion weakes him. He´s pale and has to close his eyes for a moment.

„James? Are you…ehm…alright?" Doctor Clarkson looks at me with a serious worry in the face. I want to say something like: „No, I just almost suffocated, of course I´m not okay." Or „Do I look like that?" But then I look at Thomas, his almost green, all sweaty face, how he tries to hide how he shakes, how he was calming me down even though he felt bad himself. And I know it would be terribly selfish to complain. Even though I feel as if I ran a Marathon race.

„I´m not perfectly alright, but I´ll manage it. You´re here because of Thomas." I say and stand up.

„I´m afraid there is not much to be done. It may be a flu, but more likely it´s tonsilitis or some inflammation. It´s up to you, Mr Barrow. You should drink some tea, especially made of sage or melissa. But now when I have no clue what kind of ilness this is, I don´t have any special treatmeant for you. Just lie in bed and let somebody care about you." He says to Thomas but I see in his face he´s worried – he´s really worried about Thomas. I can feel fear sitting in my stomach, I´m scared.

„Can I? I mean, I don´t want anybody to be ill because of me, we can´t afford it and-" He´s interrupted by coughing again. I just can´t watch him suffer, not now. I let him suffer once and it was the worst thing I´ve ever done. I don´t wait for his permission, I just step closer to him, sit down and embrace him. Right in the moment I put a hand on his chest.

„Doctor, come here! Is this normal?" Thomas is just wheezing, exhausted with another wave of cough he suffered from, but he´s still shaking. When I ignore how hot Thomas is – which is not easy because he´s heating like a stove – I can feel how fast and short his breath is, as if his lungs were trying to deal with a too big problem. Doctor touches Thomas´ chest and frowns even more. That´s wrong. Terribly wrong.

„It´s not normal," the doctor admits. I must look really frightened because he adds, „But it´s not unusual. He has a problem with his lungs or bronchi, more likely – he´s ill – so you can´t think that every change from normal is… a problem. Thomas is strong, he can go through this."

„Are you sure?" My voice breakes. I shouldn´t have asked this. Of course…

„I´m not. I don´t know what sort of illness is this so I can´t treat it properly. It may be a flu which looks a bit worse than usual, and it can be something completely different. You have to believe and make him feel he has a hope and what to live for."

„You say this like you have a suspicion that it´s really bad." I open my eyes widely.

„It´s not probable," he says, but it looks like he´s trying to hide something, „Let him rest. He needs to sleep."

I look at Thomas and I feel as if somebody caused me some deep wound. Strong, steady Thomas, always support for me, the only person I thought was unbreakable, is now lying in bed and looks like he´s going to vanish in the next second. Every bit of pride, of his personal charm has turned into paleness and sickness. I almost cry. Out of all people… Why Thomas? Didn´t he suffer enough? This looks quite bad. He even fell asleep in two minutes when I was talking to doctor Clarkson. In my arms.

I turn head away from him so I don´t have to watch him suffer. I know I´ll return soon because I won´t be able to be away from him for too long, but at least for some time I should avoid the sight of Thomas´ chest moving too fast, his face being too pale. I can forget.

„Okay, let´s go out, I have to ask you something." I whisper and place Thomas in the bed as carefully as I can. I wipe his forehead and resist the temptation to cry. Now, when I think about it, I feel I might suffer from another hysterical outburst. I bite my lip to kill the laughter and sobs inside my chest. I can cry later, now I have to stay silent – Thomas needs to sleep. Sleep is the best medicine.

Doctor is scanning me with worry in eyes. I just go out from the room, from everything what´s in it, from my fear that Thomas´ disease is too complicated. I glance over my shoulder to look at him for the last time and then leave the room quickly. Doctor goes right after me. I close the door as silently as I can and go towards the front door. When we are at the end of the corridor, I dare to stop and ask him for an answer I may not want to hear.

„Doctor Clarkson, I don´t mind if you lie to Thomas, because I agree with you that it´s better when he doesn´t know what´s the matter with him. I don´t say he won´t find out you said something you don´t really believe because he´s smart and has a medical experience. But important is that I don´t believe you told me what you know. So what´s the matter with Mr Barrow?" I managed to stay calm and say this in steady voice even though I didn´t feel like that at all.

„I don´t think you can deal better with the information. Actually, I´m afraid you would reacted even worse than him." He says firmly. I feel I´m getting angry. And ashamed because I know he´s right. I was hysterical, not Thomas.

„I have to know." I say, but not as confident as usual. Do I want to know it? Don´t I want to live in a dream his illness is not too serious?

„I don´t think it would be good if you knew. The most important now – and the only thing what can really treat him – is his will to live and his belief. And your support. Are you sure you can pretend you don´t worry if you knew how seriously ill he is?" From the sight he gives me I assume he doesn´t believe it for a second.

„I alredy know it´s serious. I know that flu doesn´t cause any damage to lungs. Not if it´s not too far…" My voice breakes and I bow my head. I can´t stand it. I wouldn´t be able to pretend nothing´s bad. I realize I want to hear Thomas is perfectly alright. I need to hear that. I feel tears in eyes. _Weakling. Coward. Traitor. _My subconsciousness is giving me names I don´t want to notice, but I know they´re true. How can I consider myself as Thomas´ friend if I can´t stand a pain of knowledge? How can I say I am his friend? How can I…

„Don´t be cruel to yourself. I didn´t want to offend you. Your friend is suffering from a very serious disease. You don´t have to know its name, it´s not important for you. The important is that you are fond of him and you´ll try to do everything to help him." Doctor says. I blink several times, but the tears can´t be overcome or defeated. „Emotions are not a weakness. But you can´t forget to use your brain too. You can help him, Jimmy. I can see he wants to believe you want him to get healed as soon as possible. I don´t know what´s between you, but it´s strong. Don´t forget it."

„I-I won´t," I sob and wipe my cheeks. I look into doctor´s eyes. He´s smiling now and I can see he really wants Thomas to be alright. I remember he used to know him well.

„I have to go now. You should wash your face before somebody sees you, you don´t look as a valet." He adds.

„I will. Thank you." I mumble. He nods and walks to the door.

„Doctor Clarkson?" I call, remembering something.

„Shouldn´t Thomas get something against the fever? Aspirin? Or something else?" I say. I know I shouldn´t think about it – if he didn´t say so, he thinks it´s not true. I should think before I speak.

„Not now, his temperature is not as high as it seems to you. And the body doesn´t suffer from fever for no reason, it helps it. Higher temperature eases the fight with the illness. And I´m going to see Thomas tomorrow, and if he´s not better, I´ll probably give him some aspirin and painkillers. But not yet. And it would be better if you cinvinced him to tell me what hurts him, it would be easier than just guess." He replies and I think I´m totally stupid when he´s explaining it to me.

„Trust me. I know it´s hard, but I´ve seen many illnesses like this one." I can almost hear how he adds: And not in every case it ended well.

„I´m sorry. But wouldn´t it be better if he was in the hospital? So he would be closer to you?" I don´t know why I ask. I don´t want Thomas to leave.

„The hospital is too small. There´s no need to send him to the hospital, not now. I assure you I´ll send him there if I think it´s good. But not now, I´m certain he would agree with me. It´s not good to be in the hospital, you feel worse. Take a care of him, you can be more helpful than a nurse now. Is it all?" If he didn´t look so worried, I´d promise he smiled.

„Are you sure you know what the illness is?" I beg him to say the answer I want to hear.

„I´m not, there are three possibilities. Unfortunately, even if there are ways to recognize it, it´s still too new and expensive, we can´t afford the newest machine here. I hope you understand." He says, as if he´s afraid I will hurt him or something.

„Yes. I´m sorry to impede you." I say and want to vanish, right now, right here.

„You don´t. Good bye," He goes faster as if he wanted to be away before I can create another question. What he probably does.

I lean against the wall, breathing deeply to calm myself down. I have to think. I have to be steady, I have to support Thomas, I have to…

„James? What are you doing here?" I open eyes and find myself looking on lady Mary and _Lord-the-strange-name_. I try to return back to the situation, but I can´t concentrate well.

„I just lost in thoughts, m´lord, I´m sorry." I say.

„You don´t have to apologize, nothing happened. You just looked quite… off." He adds. I just shrug because I don´t really know what to say.

„Will you please come and help me change?" he asks when I don´t respond to his previous question.

„Sure, right now or later?" I give them a look which is supposed to show them I don´t want to be an obstacle between them.

„A bit later, I suppose. Could you please come at," he looks at clock in the hall, „quarter to four?"

„Of course, m´lord." I say and go away. I have about twenty minutes. What does he want to do with her? I try not to think about it too much. I just go to the kitchen and fall on one chair. I close eyes and lean my head against the wall behind me.


	5. Helping hand

_**Again, thanks to everybody who read and reviewed. I really appreciated review of somebody who didn´t put a signature so I can´t name him/her but I almost passed out with joy when I read your review that you think my fanfic is one of the best you´ve ever read. Thank you. And better put your name on the review next time! :) **_

_**I hope you enjoy this chapter.**_

* * *

„Jimmy! Wake up before Mrs Patmore finds you." Somebody is shaking my shoulder. I open eyes and see Ivy.

„What are doing? Get off! Have you gone mad?" I yell at her, because she´s too close too me. She almost sits on my lap.

„I´m waking you up because you were sleeping. I thought you would be grateful if it was me to wake up, not Carson." She hisses in anger, but doesn´t do any step away from me.

„I´m not sure," I say and push her away. „At least he wouldn´t try to eat me or whatever the reason why are you so close to me is."

„What?" she gasps.

„You heard me." I say and leave the kitchen. Fortunately she found me in time, so I´m not late to see _Lord-that-ridiculous-name-I-can´t-remember_. I come to his room and for a while I work silently. He doesn´t speak and lets me dress him up. I don´t like this job, I preffer being footman, because it seems to be pretty stupid – my job is to dress up men. But I understand than being a valet is more than being a footman, and this man seems to be good. If I was his valet, I wouldn´t complain. What am I thinking about? This is stupid. I should have a rest, because I´m considering something what doesn´t exist.

„James?" The lord says.

„Yes?"

„What´s the matter with you today? You look like lady Mary when she talks about her deceased husband." I freeze. _No! He didn´t mean anything saying this. He wouldn´t have said it if he knew…_

„I suppose you won´t believe me if I say I´m alright." I mumble and give him a tail-coat.

„No, I won´t." he says. „Thank you," he turns around and looks into my eyes. I thought I might escape when he´s dressed, but he doesn´t seem to let me go.

„It´s about Mr Barrow, the under butler who should have taken care of you while you are here." I tell the truth, because I don´t suppose he would stop being interested if I said something like: „You will be late." Or „Lady Mary waits for you."

„The one who is ill?" He asks. I nod, because saying it aloud would be painful. „What´s the matter with him? I mean – besides the illness."

„Nothing. But the illness seems to be bad."

„Why do you think so?" He looks really concerned. Can I show this man my feelings? Can I entrust him my emotions, my thoughts? Can I reveal him my fear? Because I feel that if I don´t do it, I´ll explode or burst into tears. Can he help me? When I look at him, I see a man, who is really intrested in what the trouble is, he doesn´t ask just to be polite.

„Wouldn´t you be bored if I tell you? It might be long." I give him last chance to get rid of it.

„Go on. We are humans, James. We have feelings. I don´t think your troubles are smaller than ours, however I really do hope the result will be better than it looks like when you talk about it." He smiles at me and sits down on the bed. I feel something warm near my heart. I know I chose well. He would help me stand it. „Sit down." He says and points besides him. I sit down, very carefully, because it´s strange to sit on a bed of a lord.

„I really don´t know where to start." I say, but right then I know, so I continue.

„We weren´t friends from the begining. I really hope that what I say further doesn´t offend you, but it´s neccessary for the story, I suppose."

I talk for long minutes. I don´t know why I dared to speak about Thomas´ sexuality, because it´s only his business and nobody else´s, but I had to explain how special he is to me. So I talk about that night when he came to kiss me. About Alfred stepping in, probably causing it all.

„You know, I didn´t know what to do. I guess I enjoyed the kiss, but some part of me knew it´s not normal, I shouldn´t like it. I´m still not quite sure that it´s right, because all my life I have been told that being gay is bad. Now I look at Thomas, how confident he is and never has any doubts about his feelings… But that night I didn´t know. I was divided into halves – the first wanted Thomas and the second was screaming this can be dangerous. But then Alfred came and it took me just a while to choose the half I will trust. Unfortunately it was the wrong one."

I sigh and explain him how I acted to Thomas then. I include O´Brien, because I don´t want this man to judge me even harder than he does now. I did those things to Thomas, I did it, but it wasn´t my idea.

„I was scared. If I didn´t do anything, people would say I´m like Thomas. I was terrified by the idea this would happen so I listened to her. I did what she told me to. I know it was stupid and I regret it more than anything right now. I don´t know what led her to change her politics, but one day, she came to me and told me I have to immediately tell Mr Carson that I didn´t mean it. She looked frightened something may happen to her, but I didn´t care. I was glad I could make things better because I had really guilty conscience. And I still can´t understand why did I listen to her."

The part about Thomas taking beating for me is the worst. I have to stop some times, because I still see him in front of me, pale, with scratches, bruises and black-eye, hardly able to move. I still remember the feeling of guilt which nearly killed me.

„You can´t even imagine how terrible I felt. As if it wasn´t enough to see him all blue and black, with a torn lip, pale and obviously feeling pain, I knew it was my fault. I got drunk, waved with the money and attracted their attention. And he came to save me. At first I was angry he was following me, but now I understand why he did it. He sacrificed for me and I almost blamed him. Luckily, I had enough sense to come and thank him for what he had done. We became friends and he seemed to be so happy. Even then, I told him I couldn´t give him what he wanted because I knew he still loved me. I don´t know why, because that day I was pretty sure he meant more to me than I was willing to admit."

I talk about how we became friends and how I found he´s my soul mate – I´ve never used these words before, but now I had to say them. I talk about my feelings towards him – how I started to trust him and soon he became my best and only friend. The real friend. I leave the stories about what led to our friendship for myself because that´s something just between me and Thomas. I talk about how my feelings started to change. Now he wasn´t only Thomas – the handsome best friend, but also Thomas – the handsome man I loved. Or not loved, there were still too many questions about it, but it was a strong emotion I only felt in his presence.

„If you know somebody as well as I know Thomas, you recognize when he doesn´t feel well. Maybe it takes you some time, because Thomas is good in hiding what he thinks. So yesterday I forced him to go to bed – or better say I made Mr Carson to order that to him. When I met him again, I knew he wasn´t as fine as he claimed to be. But I didn´t know he was that bad. I visited him several times again, but every time I came, he was worse and worse. And after lunch Mrs Hughes called doctor Clarkson. And I -" My voice breakes. I don´t want to recall what happened, I don´t want to admit Thomas is so ill, I don´t want to talk. But the lord just sits here and patiently waits for me to calm down.

„He examined Thomas and I insisted on being present. I was just sitting here, watching my best friend being so weak every move needed a huge effort, I saw pain in every his motion. I felt so helpless, so useless, absolutely unneccessary. I could only watch him. Then the doctor said it is serious but he won´t do anything, because there´s nothing to be done but be nice to Thomas, take a care of him and cook him tea. It was so ridiculous I… I got a hysterics." I stop for a while and than I start talking so quickly I´m not sure he can get it, but I don´t mind, I just need to get the emotions out of me.

„I should be a support for Thomas, I should be strong and steady. I should calm him when he feels miserable, I should hide him in my arms when he´s cold, I shoulde bring him a wet piece of fabric when he´s hot, I should sing him a lullaby when he can´t sleep, I should hold his hand when he has a nightmare, I should bring him handkerchiefs when he wants to blow his nose, I should bring him anything he needs. And what have I done? I failed. I absolutely failed. I´m the worst friend ever. Instead, I went mad and almost suffocated by laughter. He had to come from bed and sit beside me to calm me down – it must have weakened him. He was comforting me – AGAIN! Why can´t I ever be the stronger one?! Why can´t I help him instead of being a lovely little boy who needs a cuddle? Why can´t I just be a good friend?" I bury head in palms of my hands and I feel hot tears in eyes again. „I´m so useless. So pathetic." I mumble and try to fight the tears. Finally I give it up and let them fall. I feel them slipping through my fingers, soaking into the fabric of my trousers and once the first one is out, I can´t stop it.

I feel a warm hand on my back and I´m so surprised I almost stop crying. Almost. Then I realize the hand is not Thomas´ and I start to cry even more. This hand is too big. And moreover, it´s left and Thomas rarely touches me with his left. I think he´s still ashamed of how he got it, even though I think it´s not important. I understand him. I´ve never got into the army even though I still have no idea why, so I´m not the right person to judge Thomas for his wish to escape the front. But he´s ashamed and when he doesn´t have to, he doesn´t show his hand.

„I don´t think you´re a bad friend. In a way, you probably made him feel better. He saw how much you care about him." _Lord-I-don´t-know-his-name-but-I-should-learn-it-now-when-he-knows-so-much-about-me _has a pleasant voice. I can calm down for a while, but I know that the only voice which would comfort me, won´t be heard.

„I was pathetic. I cried. I almost killed myself because I´m too stupid." I say. And I know I have a serious problem. I would never say something like that if I was sane.

„Maybe it´s not your part to be strong." He says. I rise head and look at him, even though his face is flowing in front of me. „You don´t have to be strong, never losing temper to support him. If I understood you, he is like that, isn´t he?"

„Mo-Most of the time," I sob, „he´s amazing. He´s always so calm."

„Well, then this is surely not what he needs. If he is calm himself, he needs somebody emotional. You may not realize it, but maybe your affection made him happier than if you stayed strong. I don´t know him, but I think if he loves you, as you said, he loves you for a reason. And the reason is that you are who you are – sensitive young man. He doesn´t need some other calm and cool guy – he needs you. He needs to be assured he´s loved. Do you understand?" He smiles – at least I think he does – and I find myself smiling too.

„I think I do. Thank you. You don´t know how much you helped me. I´m sorry I took your time. I´m very grateful." I say and stand up. He follows me and goes towards the door.

„I was nothing, I´m glad I could help. Just… keep my advice in mind. Be yourself. Cry, if you want to. Tell him you love him. Do anything what might cheer him up. And never give up, no matter how desperate the situation looks like. It will be alright." He smiles and leaves he room.

„M´lord?" I ask when we are descending the staircase.

„Yes?"

„Aren´t you offended? Don´t you think we are terrible creatures which should be imprisoned if not killed?" I ask and watch him carefully.

„I´m shocked. I´ve never met somebody… like you. I don´t deny it´s a bit strange – well, really strange. But I want to help you – your love for him is admireable."

„Will you please stay silent about this? I don´t want people to talk about this."

„Of course, you can rely on me. I will say we were discussing about advantages of lady Mary." He grins and his expression in the moment is everything but noble I feel I´m smiling too. „And if you want to talk again, feel free." He adds and leaves me in the corridor alone when he enters one of the rooms.

I´m walking down, slowly and I think about our conversation. I´m not sure I love Thomas. Do I? Everything tells me yes, but I still resist the thought. I don´t know why, I don´t want to, but I still don´t feel completely certain. I should be, but I still struggle. Why can´t I just stop resisting?

On my way down, I check Thomas, but he sleeps and looks so lovely and sweet, almost alright, I don´t have a heart to wake him up – to even breathe because I know how light his sleep is. And how much he needs it. I close the door silently and forbid myself to think too much about his illness. I have to believe.


	6. Goblins, lost lovers and expectations

_**I thank all of you for your reviews, they´re really made me happy. Especially I would like to thank Itmeren tytr for the reviews. I´m addicted to your love for my story. By the way, I wanted Jimmy to remember lord Cartwright´s name, but you said you think it´s funny that I changed it to the form you know. I hope I didn´ t miss any part where I mentioned him. :)**_

_**I hope you all enjoy this chapter. If you ask, the next part will most probably be posted in two days in the same time. :) **_

* * *

„Jimmy, what´s the matter with you? You look like you swallowed a bar of soap." Anna looks at me with worries in the face. I should hide my emotions better. Maybe not when I am with Thomas – what _Lord-I-don´t-remember-his-name-even-though-I-should-because-h e-knows-something-about-me-nobody-else-does_ – adviced me to, but not everybody needs to know how I feel.

„That´s it, Anna. That´s it. It´s disgusting, I almost died. But I am alright now, just a bit shaken. Thank you." I reply and smile widely even though it´s not the most honest smile I´ve ever had. I hope this will discourage all of them from asking me again.

„Why did you actually eat soap?" Or maybe not. I sigh and frown at Alfred.

„Because I thought it would be a great fun." I hiss and try to show him I´m not in a mood for this.

„Really? I didn´t believe pretty people are always stupid, but I guess you are. Eating soap? Really?" He obviously didn´t get it.

„Yes. It´s supposed to be a great fun, you just have to choose the right flavour." I grit my teeth because the pain I felt has easily turned to anger.

„Flavour? I thought soap is just a cube of some ingredients that should destroy stains." Alfred seems to be really confused. Oh god, he really believes me. Poor boy.

„That´s it. It needs some practise. I´m just a beginner so I mistook the cherry one and that awful dill one." I reply and it makes me even bigger effort to stay calm.

„You don´t like dill? Why did you want more of dill soup one day?" I can´t resist rolling my eyes over. Oh Ivy, I didn´t know you are SO stupid.

„For goblins. I have bunch of them hidden in a box under my bed and they like dill soup." I don´t know why I don´t just shut her up.

„Goblins? You have goblins under your bed? Isn´t it the same as if you had a pet?" Alfred asks before Ivy can open her mouth – to her disappointment.

„No, that´s deffinitely not. They are more intelligent than many people." I don´t look at him.

„But Jimmy, how did you get them? Where did you-" Ivy speaks fast, her eyes shining with interest. Maybe I was wrong. Alfred´s not the most stupid person here.

„I guess this is enough. James, please, leave these conversations to yourself and tell them to people who are intrested in hearing them." Mr Carson cuts the conversation off. I´m really grateful – it started to be quite annoying.

„Yes, Mr Carson." I say and bow my head. I hope Ivy won´t come to see the goblins.

I wanted to see Thomas after dinner, but_ Lord-whose-name-I-can´t-recall-but-I´m-sure-it-starts-with-c_ asked for me a bit earlier than I expected, so it had to wait. He didn´t want to talk to me, but he seemed to be worried so I´m silent and leave the room as soon as I can.

Deep in thoughts, I go down to a kitchen because I want to get Thomas some tea. Now I don´t have enough luck to meet Daisy. I curse in my mind and then try to be as calm as possible.

„Ivy? Would you please give me some tea for Thomas?" I ask and almost smile.

„We don´t have any." She replies and leans against the wall in an attempt to look she´s confident.

„Then cook one, please," I manage to hide my anger.

„What will be the reward?" She thinks she´s original.

„The thought you helped an ill person, you stupid. I don´t have much time. Should I ask Daisy to do it because you can´t for some reason?" I say, maybe too harshly.

„No. You don´t have to be so bad to me," I looks a bit upset what really doesn´t matter at all. Even though she turns and soon she hands me a kettle of hot water on a tray. She doesn´t say anything so I have to ask.

„Am I supposed to give him a cup of hot water?" I rise an eyebrow.

„You can give him whatever you want. You know where the tea is." She says and leaves me confused. What the hell was this? I don´t think about it, I just concentrate on searching of the tea and maybe some herbs. I don´t really like when I have to be in the kitchen alone – Mrs Patmore always seems to eat me alive. I´m absolutely confused. I remember what herbs did doctor say me to give him, but I have no idea how to recognize them. Luckily I find at least a box of tea. I place some of it to a sifter and hand it to the hot water, I keep it in the kettle.

„Jimmy? I thought it was Alfred who wants to be a cook." Daisy comes in and looks at me, amused.

„I don´t want to be a cook. But I must have made Ivy angry because she refused to help me and I´m completely lost." I hope she won´t laugh at me – I would.

„And may I ask what do you want to cook?" She goes closer to me and looks into the kettle.

„Just a tea for Thomas, but doctor told me to put there some herbs or whatever. If I would be able to differentiate if they were alive, I´m surely not able to say what of this dry stuff is what." I shrug, helplessly.

„And what are the herbs you are searching for?" She opens another cupboard full of jars filled with herbs. And on everyone of them there is a written name. I must look like an total idiot.

„Ehm…sage and melissa." I mumble. She takes two jars and give them to me.

„It´s not neccessary to know how the herbs look like." She smiles.

„I see. I´m sorry I bothered you." I throw some of the herbs into the kettle.

„It´s okay, I´m glad I could help. I wish I had a friend like you." She smiles. „May I visit Thomas with you? I won´t be there for long."

At first I want to say no because I want to be alone with Thomas. But it´s Daisy. She´s good and tried to help me. She likes Thomas. I shouldn´t be so possessive when it comes to Thomas.

„Sure. I think he will say he doesn´t want you to come – he keeps saying it all the time because he doesn´t want me to catch the illness – but I guess he´ll be glad." I say and take the tray with tea and a cup. She follows me.

„Just – please pretend he looks better than he does. Doctor says it can help him the most, when we make him believe he will be okay soon." I say to her on the way.

„Don´t be afraid, I´ve been in a situation like this before. But I hope it will end better than that time." She says and looks to be lost in memories.

„What happened?" I ask. When I see a pain in her eyes, I add quickly: „I´m sorry, I shouldn´t ask if you don´t want me to."

„It´s okay. It was my husband, William. He was a footman here, but then he went to a war. One day, they said he was badly injured. After they took him here, they told me he was dying – there wasn´t any help. We could just make him as happy as possible in his last hours." She stops talking for a little while, but then she continues. „He was in love with me, for a long time. I was bad to him, I was teasing him. Then when he was going to the war, I agreed to be his sweetheart – Mrs Patmore had told me it would encourage him on the front. One day he came and asked me if I wanted to marry him." She sighs, as if she is ashamed what she is saying.

„I didn´t. I really liked him, but I thougt I didn´t love him. But Mrs Patmore told me I should say yes – if I didn´t he would go to the war unhappy. So I agreed. Then he got injured and after he realized he was dying, he wanted to marry me so I will get some money as a widow of a soldier. I didn´t want to. I was struggling it because I thought it wasn´t right – I agreed to marry him just to not break his heart – and now it looked like I had to lie again. Moreover – I wouldn´t be a real widow, not when I was married for couple of hours. But everybody insisted on it – he, his father, Mrs Patmore, even the Dowager countess. I had to marry him."

„He seemed to be so happy. I knew it was right when I looked in his eyes and behind all the pain I saw happiness. He told me he was unhappy. I asked why and he told me: ´Because I destroyed everything. We will never be happy together. Because I wanted to go to the war so much. If I didn´t I could be alive and we could be together.´ In that moment I realized I really loved him. Because after all he had been through, he still cared about me more than about himself." She has tears in eyes. I don´t know what to say. We´re almost at Thomas´ room.

„Sometimes I say myself if it wouldn´t be better if he survived and Mr Crawley died. I know it´s terrible but… William saved his life. If he survived we could be together. Moreover, now, when Mr Crawley died it´s even more often. I don´t know if I would marry him if he wasn´t dying – because I didn´t love him at first. I started to realize I did when he got lost. But at last I would become his wife. We could be as happy as Anna and Mr Bates, we could plan what to do after we leave Downton. We could-" Her voice breakes and she bursts into tears. I place the tray with tea on the ground and embrace her. It´s not as pleasant as having Thomas in arms, but I feel better for being here for her. She keeps crying, tears soaking in my shirt, her tiny body trembling with sobs. I don´t say anything, just hold her.

„I-I´m sorry. I know this is not what I should talk about now, but I´ve never talked about it before." She says after some time. I don´t say her how much she scared me. I don´t want to end up like her – because it seems to be pretty similar situation, I just don´t have the support of everybody else. I have to go through this alone – with only _Lord-the-name-I-still-don´t-remember_ help.

„It´s okay. I´m here. You can talk to me, you know. You don´t have to go in with me if it makes you feel pain." I say and hope I sound more confident than I feel. I can´t admit how much her story frightens me. At least she could show her beloved she loved him – even though she didn´t realize she wasn´t pretending till his death. But what about me? Shouldn´t I say Thomas I feel something for him, even though I´m not certain? I wish I could ask Daisy for advice, she would understand it more than anybody else. But I can´t ask her about it. Not now. It´s hard to talk about it. I don´t think she would judge me, but still… I have to deal with it myself.

„No, it´s okay, I want to see Thomas." She says and pulls away from me. She wipes her face and smiles at me. I nod and bend down for the tray.

„You first," I say and show her the door to the men´s corridor. She hesitates, but then she opens it and lets me go in before closing it. We quickly go through the silent, dark corridor and I lead her to Thomas´ door. I nod and she opens. Silently, I notice. I smile for myself – she´s as careful as I am not to wake Thomas up. I remember she was in love with him for some time – he told me so. And also admitted he didn´t act well towards her and he used her for his plots against Mr Bates. But he never spoke about that man, William. I wonder why.

We step inside the room. Thomas is lying in the bed, but he either didn´t sleep or slept badly because he moves and tries to sit up. Daisy closes the door and turns the light on. Thomas is a bit surprised to see her, but he tries to smile. Maybe I´m deceiving myself, but he looks better than in the afternoon.

„Hello," I smile, „I hope you don´ t mind Daisy, she wanted to see you." I say and come closer to him. I notice there is only one chair. Well, if I should make Thomas notice I feel something to him, I can begin right now.

„No, I´m glad you remembered me, Daisy." He says and closes eyes for a while. I pretend I didn´t see the pain in his face. I go towards Thomas´ bed and place the tray on his bedside table.

„It wasn´t too difficult. Jimmy´s talking about you all the time." She grins and sits on the chair without hesitation. What?! I wanted to say her to sit here anyway, but how she naturally sat down there, obviously leaving me to stay standing or share a bed with Thomas. I know it would look weird if she sat with one bed with the under butler, but still…

„Really? That´s sweet, Jimmy." He grins. I´m starting to change my mind about her – she´s not always as innocent as she looks.

„He even talked to Ivy because of you." She seems to be really amused. I should have left her crying in the corner! I fill the cup with tea. At least it smells like herbs.

„Did he? Well, Jimmy, you don´t have to do so much for me." He says as if talking to Ivy was the same as cutting off my right hand.

„Honestly, Daisy, I´m starting to regret I brought you here." I grouch and and give the mug to Thomas. I sit down beside him, on the other side than Daisy sits. „And I hope you´ll drink this when it cost me so much."

„Of course I will, I solemnly swear." Thomas says and I see he tries not to laugh because he would start coughing. As if to confirm his words he takes few sips of the tea. I see he frowns when he swallows, but at least he doesn´t cough. He really looks better than before.

„Thomas? How do you feel?" Daisy asks. It seems to be an innocent question, but I know he won´t answer truthfully. He doesn´t feel good – I know that – but I doubt he would ever admit it.

„As if somebody started fire in my throat. But I´m happy you two came," he smiles and drinks a bit more of the tea. I watch him carefully, trying to find some sign of pain, of hidden suffering, but I don´t see any.

„Jimmy wouldn´t be able to sleep if he didn´t come to see you." Daisy laughs.

„Okay, I guess we all understood that you tried to make me look so pathetic." I say, because I feel uneasy discussing this topic.

„I don´t think it´s bad, I just say what is true. I can´t understand why do you try to hide your feelings in front of Thomas. You were much more opened before." She says as if I hurt her. Maybe I did. She told me about her husband – story she never told anybody else – and she did only because she thought I could understand her. I doubt she may know what I feel for Thomas. But she doesn´t want me to be so distant. Why?

„I´m sorry, I´m not good in talking about my feelings." I murmur.

„You might not notice, but I´m still here." Thomas interrupts the awkward silence between us.

„Right, you are here. I´m glad I saw you, Thomas, and I hope you´ll be alright soon. Good night." She stands up and before she leaves the room, she gives me some strange sight as if she tries to show me I should talk to Thomas. I don´t understand it so I rather turn away from her.

„Good night and thanks for your visit." He smiles. For a few seconds we stay silent. I would love to say that when the silence was broken, it was me, telling Thomas about how I feel. Unfortunately, it was his cough. And I thought I had enough of it today. I wait for him to finnish coughing. Now his mask of recovering from illnesses is breaking and tearing into pieces, his chest is moving feverishly, I´m afraid I would be able to feel his heart beating and I wouldn´t have to try too much.

And I am determined to find out more about Thomas. And I´m prepared for saying him how I feel. I hope. I have to. It´s now or never.

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_**I know, I know I should be sorry for cutting it before any exact conversation between Thomas and Jimmy, but you have to wait for it until Thursday. :) :P And no, I´m not sorry, I´m a cruel person. And I wanted Jimmy´s talk with Daisy to be the most important part of this chapter.**_


	7. Confession, doubts and pain

_**I´m sorry it took me so much time to post this, but I didn´t feel like writing this story in few past days. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and I love you all for your support and love for this story. It makes me want to continue writing. And again, I apologize for the cliffhanger and suspense I left you in. :)**_

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I sit closer to Thomas and run my fingers over his face, feeling the heat on them. I feel a need to touch him, more than ever before. I place the second hand on his cheek, holding his head in my hands. He looks at me with surprise and interest and stays silent. I don´t think too much about what I am doing, I just let my body control my mind. The brain has hidden itself somewhere deep in the head and now my lust and desire controls all my moves.

I let my right hand running across his chest. I can feel how fast he breathes, even though I hope it´s because of my presence, not his illness. But it´s not enough. I want to touch him – him, not the shirt! My impatient fingers find the edge of his shirt and wait just a moment before they start to explore Thomas´s stomach. But even now, with my heart beating fast and breath faster than ever before, I can´t ignore how hot Thomas´ flesh is.

„How do you feel? I mean really. And don´t pretend you´re alright, I know you´re not. You have to say us everything, we can´t take a proper care of you if you don´t say us what´s the matter with you." I look deeply into his eyes, leaning close to him – very close.

„Right know I can´t really think, Jimmy." He gasps and coughs a little. I feel the cough under my fingers, his body trembling.

„You have to, unless you want me to sit on the chair." I reply, not recognising myself. Where is all my uncertainty? Where are the doubts?

„Well, right now I feel absolutely alright. You have handy hands, I suppose." He grins at me and I almost let him be. Almost. I pull my hand from him.

„And now?" I say firmly. I HAVE TO know what´s the matter with him.

„I´m confused." He says.

„Well, confusion – it may be a symptom of something. Now tell me what hurts you."

„Jimmy, I don´t want to talk about it. I actually don´t want to talk about myself." He pleases my with his eyes and I almost obey.

„Don´t be so dramatic. You don´t have to talk about your soul unless it hurts you as well. Just tell me what´t the matter with you. Or should I ask you questions?" I hope he sees how important it is for me without me saying it.

„I´m alright," He tries to say it firmly but then he suffers from another wave of terrible cough which doesn´t really confirm his words. I sit closer to him, take him in my arms and hold him as a baby, pressing his back against me. I´m frightened how light his body is – he should be much heavier. But now, when he leans against my chest, I feel like I´m holding more a lifeless corpse than a living man. I bite my lip to kill the cry inside me.

„No, you´re not. Why do you resist me?" I almost moan.

„Don´t you understand it, Jimmy? I´m trying to protect you! You almost passed out when the doctor was here. Why do you think you would stand this?" His voice is quite steady for how weak he looks like.

„I would. I will. Thomas you need help. Why don´t you want me to help you?" I don´t hide any feeling. I let him hear how desperate and frustrated I am. I hug him more tightly.

„Why do you torture me?" He sighs. „Well then. Promise me you won´t faint or something like that."

„I promise." I really hope I won´t pass out when I promised this. What were I supposed to do, anyway?

„It´s not a fresh illness. I started to feel everything is not alright two or three weeks ago. I was tired much sooner than usually, I was short of breath sometimes and I lost weight. Sometimes I was coughing, but nothing really bad, trust me. I thought it was just some cold or so – and I didn´t anybody to be afraid. I´m sure Carson would try to send me in some place where I can be washed so carefully no bacteria can survive – and nor can I. So I was hiding it and I hoped it will get better." He closes eyes for a while. His head is resting on my chest and shoulder so I can see the expressions on his face very well. And I´m not stupid. I recognize somebody who is in pain.

„Obviously it didn´t. Yesterday, I was incautious when I let you see me, but I couldn´t resist it any longer. My head ached so badly I thought somebody hacked an ax into my skull. I really needed to be sent to bed. But when I lay down, it started to be worse. As if I destroyed the one last obstacle between me and the illness when I stopped resisting." He frowns and I see he´s struggling another wave of cough – he doesn´t want to cough when I hold him in arms.

„Right now I feel as if somebody put me in some kind of a cage with thousands needles everywhere. I feel I am being torn into pieces, somebody is cutting me, maltreating me, trying to kill me – from inside. And moreover I have lungs on fire. Every breath, every word, every motion hurts me and I can´t do anything." He starts to cry. It´s so unexpected that I´m absolutely overwhelmed for the first moments. Then I just hold him, having no idea what to say.

„I-I´m sorry. I made you promise and now I cry myself. It´s just… I feel so helpless. There is so much I need to do, to say, but it seems like everything is slipping through my fingers." He curls up into a ball, embracing his knees. I move and sit in front of him. I take his hands to mine, pressing them against themselves and soon placing them on my chest, still joined.

„Thomas, you have to believe. You can´t give up. You´re strong, you´re the strongest man I ´ve ever known. You just need a will to get healed. I don´t believe for a second that you want to leave me here – alone and without anybody to protect me from my foolishness." I say and try to show him how much I love him.

„Don´t you understand it?" He cries and rises head. His red eyes are looking at me with such a pain I have to look away. „I have no hope. I let it go too far."

„NO!" I yell. „Thomas, you can´t give up! You have to stay here with me! You can´t just leave me here! Do I mean nothing to you?" I feel the tears flowing down my face.

„It´s a lost fight, Jimmy. You mean everything to me – you are everything – but don´t you see how serious this is?" He seems to be so tired, as if he aged decades. I close my eyes to kill the idea.

„It´s simple. If you want to stay here – with me – then you have to fight!" I say, tears in eyes but voice steady and strong. I place his hands on my chest, palms firing. He wants to pull them away because he probably knows how hot they are – I don´t let him. „Don´t you feel it? Don´t you feel my heart? It wouldn´t have anything to beat for if you left me. You can´t leave me."

„It´s very nice of you that you´re saying it, Jimmy, I really appreciate it. But you would understand why I gave up if you were me, if you felt the pain I feel. Will you please leave now? I´m tired." He whispers. I´m so astonished I let him pull the hands away and lie down, leaving me sitting on the bed.

_Say it, Jimmy! Just say it!_ I´m screaming on myself. It doesn´t help either, every breath I take to let the words come from me, every letter of the short sentence, is binding my throat and I can´t say anything. I can´t, I´m not prepared yet.

I stand up and want to say at least good night to Thomas, but he´s either sleeping or pretending sleep. It hurts me, because I feel rejected, kicked away again and it´s only my fault. If only I was able to say those three words! Thomas thinks I said all these things to cheer him up and that it was pretending. And I left him think that. Why didn´t I explain him I really love him, I really want him here, beside me, that I need him? Why didn´t I tell him anything?!

I can´t stand it any longer. Watching him, lying so close to me I don´t have to do any step and I can touch him and still being so far away, as reachable as the Sun makes me feel such a terrible pain I feel I´m literally dying because of broken heart. He´s just as beautiful as usual, but now it´s rather fragile than proud beauty it used to be. No, it was. And it will be again, when he gets better. He will be my strong, steady Thomas again. He will be here, teaching me to stay calm, laughing when I say some stupid joke, always willing to help me. I didn´t know what I had, I thought having Thomas loving me was certainty I will never lose. And now? Every moment I´m without him hurts me. The empty space beside me in the servants´ hall during the supper seemed to emit coldness. _Oh, Thomas, why do you do this to me? _

I lie down beside him, curled into a ball in the empty space next to his legs, crying. I´m so scared, frightened, frozen by fear. I feel so helpless, so useless, so stupid. I´m even worse than Alfred! At least everybody knows he loves Ivy. I don´t want everybody to know I love Thomas, I only need him to know it. Do I want so much when I want him to believe I mean my words? Do I really need to say those words I´m afraid to say? I wish I had somebody to help me. _Thomas, where are you when I need you?!_ I don´t really have any other friend in here. Maybe just Daisy, but our friendship is not so good I would entrust her my biggest and most important secret.

„Jimmy? What are you doing here?" Thomas´ hoarsing voice wakes me up. I open eyes with effort because I was deeply asleep. I rise my head and find myself looking into Thomas´ surprised eyes.

„I suppose I was sleeping before you woke me up." I say as if I am insulted, but I grin widely.

„And may I know why exactly were you sleeping in my bed?" He asks and sits up what leads to another wave of cough. I shut my eyes and bite my lip as if it was me who was coughing, not him. I wait until he catches breath again and then I kneel. I notice Thomas bent his legs and I don´t know why, but lean my chest against his shins, resting my forearms on his knees.

„Can´t I?" I say coquettishly.

„Jimmy…" he whispers and coughs again. „Don´t make fun of me, please." His eyes are full of pain. Does he really think I don´t mean this seriously? Does he suppose I´m trying to hurt him? WHY?

„I don´t. Thomas, what should I do to convince you I mean everything I say?" I ask, hurt. I´ve never thought I would feel so bitter if he rejected me.

„I don´t know. I don´t want to hope… when I know I´m only deceiving myself. And you don´t really mean this. I´m ill, you´re afraid you´re losing me so you want to-" He´s cut off by cough again. „to think you know this. But would you say this if I wasn´t ill?" He adds and I don´t know what to answer. At first I´m angry because he says something like this. Then I realize he´s right. I wouldn´t say it to him if he was healthy. But this doesn´t mean I don´t love him!

„I wouldn´t say it – I admit – because it wouldn´t be neccessary. You don´t know how hard it is for me to talk about how I feel. I´m not used to say something like that. But I have to. You are ill and you threatened me you´re giving up. You can´t! You have to fight! For me, for you, for everybody else!" I try to be as silent as I can because I realize it´s probably very late and the last thing I want is Carson entering the room right now.

„You wouldn´t even think so. You wouldn´t… feel anything for me. You would be just my friend and that´s right. That´s how it should be. Please, don´t make me feel there is a hope, if there isn´t. Please." He avoids my sight.

„I thought you were intelligent!" I hiss, angry. He lurches after the sharp sound of my voice. I sit on my heels and press on his knees, so he straightens his legs in surprise. Before he can realize what I want to do, I move and sit on his thighs. It may look weird and it´s surely not right, but I don´t really care. I have to convince this stupid, stubborn man I love him.

„You will listen to me, now." I say and look straight into his eyes. „Maybe I woudln´t realize my feelings towards you so quickly, maybe I wouldn´t talk about them, but they would be there! Or do you think I started to like you only because you are ill?" I frown.

„I-I don´t know. I can´t really think when you are so close." He murmurs, eyes widened. I just hope he´s not starting to cough again. Not now.

„So just don´t think. Feel. Feel me, Thomas. That´s what you need. Just stop thinking, at least for some time." I breathe hardly, face just few inches from his, more close than far. He doesn´t say anything, just gazes at me in surprise.

„Can you ever forget all the reasons? Can you stop thinking?" I say so silently it´s barely a whisper. I put my hands on his chest and sense his heart, beating very fast.

„I´m afraid I can´t." He answers, looking at me with pain.

„Inform me, when you can," I bark and go away from him without any other word.

„Jimmy!" He moans because his voice is too weak for anything but this. I want to return. I need to. And still, I don´t do it. I shut the door and sit on the ground, leaning against the door. From inside I can hear Thomas´ sobs which soon lead into other cough. It tears my heart into pieces, I feel as if it was my lungs that are on fire, but I can´t come inside. I can´t because if I did, he wouldn´t think I meant it. I must keep my word – and this was surely not a signal I will come back again.

I shut my eyes and try to keep all the sounds from myself; Thomas´ cry mixed with his cough and my own sobs, intertwinned into one sad melody of suffering. I embrace my knees with arms, hide my face between them and give my despair possibility to come out. I don´t know what I do. But unfortunately I survive it. I can´t breathe because my pain is suffocating me, I can´t think because despair melted my brain into unuseful mess, I can´t even feel blood circulating through my veins because my heart seems to snap.

„Why, Thomas?! WHY?!" I cry. „Why don´t you understand I love you?"

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_**This wasn´t what you wanted, was it? :) Well you have to wait :) It will come, don´t be afraid. **_


	8. Dream, heaven and fall

**_Thank everybody for reading, it´s a great feeling to see how you feel sorry for Thomas and Jimmy, to see how you like reading it. I hope you´ll enjoy this chapter - you´ve deserved it. :) I´m cruel, I know, but I´m not as bad as I want to be so I´m giving this chapter to you sooner than I expected. _**

**_Let me know what you think! _**

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_I stand on the edge of some cliff. When I look down, I see a huge abyss and in the bottom of it there are sharp stones, rearing against the sky and telling me how dangerous they can be. They are periodically washed by wave of salt water. It´s hitting the rocks and the noise is overwhelming. I almost forget myself, I sense the sound, the battle of big powers, of two elements. The only thing beside the rush under my feet I notice is a person, who holds me. Who is my support._

_I enjoy his presence, I feel him, I don´t ever want him to go. Never. I look into the abyss because the water fascinates me. I want to look down, too see the bottom of the ocean, to look through the water, to see everything. I bend forward, more and more, something forcing me to come closer to the edge. Closer, closer… just one step, one more step and I will see._

„_No, don´t do it," his voice is calm and silent, but it makes me stop and think clearly for a while. I love this voice, I want to obey it, I want to do everything it orders me, I have to. It´s a need. But then I look down, on the infinite water, on the freedom waiting for me down. Never needing to obey, feeling free – finally. How can I resist? Why should I? I can be free, embraced by the infinity of the water…_

_I did the last step._

„_You will never come back. It´s too late to come back. You´ve lost it for good." Thomas says and I see pain in his eyes, but he doesn´t do anything. He can take me back, he can save me from the fall. But he doesn´t. I decided to leave him, I decided to leave everything I know, I love, behind me and now only a short fall waits for me. And then… there is nothing. Nothing but death, pain and suffering._

_How could I be so stupid? How could I leave him? For this?_

_Thomas lets me fall and I feel I´m being torn into pieces. He stands on the edge of the cliff, strong wind playing with his black hair which looks to be much longer than usually. He stands here, widely straddled, with arms outstreched to the sides and looks like some avenger from old tragedy. His face is expressionless. Just before he disappers from my view, he falls on knees, face hidden in hands. _

_And I am falling. Falling… down to the depth. To meet the rocks down. Falling. Falling. Falling._

_Falling…_

I wake up and the first thing I notice is sharp pain in head and back. Before I realize what´s going on – before I can even moan because of the pain – there is some face above mine.

„Jimmy? Jimmy! Are you alright?" Thomas is pale and his face is covered with sweat, here in the slight light in the dark around he looks even more scary.

„I – I am, I guess. Why? What happened?" I realize I´m lying on the floor and the thing under my back which makes me feel uncomfortable is actually the threshold in Thomas´ room. I sit up and lean against the door-frame so I´m in a bit more dignified position. Thomas is kneeling in front of me, but he´s obviously in pain. I see his gritted teeth.

„I opened the door and you fell inside." He says.

„Did I?" I only manage to gasp. Yeah – a very intelligent answer.

„Yes. May I ask why were you sleeping in front of my door?" Normally he would say this as a joke, but now his face is changed with pain.

„I guess I fell asleep there." I say and stand up. I help him up. „Why did you actually open the door?" I ask, and hold him in my arms for a while when he´s trying to hide that he´s short of breath.

„Where do you think all the tea you forced me to drink goes?" he grins.

„Ah, I see. I thought you´re sweating too much… Never mind, I´m helping you go there." I say and support him. „Don´t try to object." I warn him when I see his look. He smirks and lets me help him.

„Jimmy, why were you sleeping in front of my door?" He says. I think about it for a little while. Why were I?

„Because I didn´t have enough strenght to go to my room. And I wanted to be near you." I answer truthfully after some time.

„If you wanted to be near me, why did you leave me?" He says, insulted.

„Let me think. We´re here," I grin and he leaves me with a look _Don´t-try-to-run-away_. Well, what will I say to him? I actually have no idea why did I leave. Now, when I think about it, I see how ridiculous it was. I left him, crying which surely wasn´t good for his health. So why did I do it? Why did I do it when I wanted to stay with him? I´m so lost in thoughts I don´t notice he´s back.

„Well?" He looks at me.

„You know that yourself, Thomas. Why do you want me to tell you?" I look at him and feel as if I was less than nothing. I feel miserable when his piercing blue eyes are looking at me with such an interest I feel I will start to burn in next minute.

„Because I want you to say it. Pronounce it. Feel it on your tongue, feel the words. I want you to say it." I´m quite sure he´s not talking about the topic we started to talk about.

„Thomas, last time I tried you really discouraged me. Why do you think I will stand it again?" I say firmly.

„I´m sorry, Jimmy." He says, really sad about it. He takes me in arms. For a while I bury my face in the hole beside his neck, feeling the warmth and admitting he´s got colder. _Everything will be alright, Thomas, I swear_. I close my eyes and embrace him. He´s so close to me I almost can´t breathe.

But now I have to face my fate. I rise my head and look into his gorgeous eyes. I can´t swallow, but I try.

„Do I really need to say it to you in here?" I say. I don´t want to get rid of him, I really don´t.

„Well, come. I won´t let you go," He says and leads me to his room, holding my hand. I scan him and to my pleasure he seems to be better. Maybe it´s really just a flu. Hopefully. He opens the door and closes them behind me. I feel the finality and importance of this moment. I can tell him that I love him. And I can leave and risk he´ll never let me inside his heart again. I need only few moments to decide.

„Thomas," I whisper and come closer. He stands and waits for my action. I embrace his neck with one arm, his waist with the other one. „You know…" I kiss him on the neck, „that…" another kiss, closer to his jawbone, „I…" I place little kisses on his jawbone, one, two, three, four, „love…" last kiss on his chin and then, only last one remains, „you."

My lips reach his and in that moment I stop existing. In that moment I explode. I can´t think, I can´t breathe, I can´t do anything. I´m flooded with feelings and emotions. He doesn´t resist like he did before. He pushes me against him, his fingers are running through my hair. I have never left anybody touch my hair, but Thomas is special. Our lips are moving in unison, gently brushing each other in gentle, sweet kisses. _So this is how it would be if Alfred didn´t come…_ I think and I feel I´m breathing harder. I pull from Thomas to catch breath, but he takes me again. I can´t stop him – and I don´t want to. He was waiting for this so long. And I feel my body responding to his moves, blood humming in ears, heart beating as fast as it can, and I know I was waiting for this moment as desperately as Thomas, I just didn´t know it.

Gently kisses are starting to be too little. I surprise us both when my tongue starts to explore Thomas´ mouth. But not for long, Thomas reacts quickly and hungrily. I know this is wrong, for few reasons, and I still need more and more. I find the edge of his shirt and want to pull it over his head, but he doesn´t let me to. I bite his lip to show him I don´t agree and he takes off my livery. Mr Carson would have a heart-attack if he saw the livery lying on the ground like this. Obviously right after he would regain consciousness after passing out because he would saw me and Thomas… kissing. Just the feeling makes me want Thomas even more. I feel in ecstatic pain just thinking about that. Me and Thomas…kissing. My heart wants to jump out of my chest.

Thomas pushes me against the door and presses his body against mine. I have absolutely no chance to escape. He is still thinner than I want him to be, but somehow he´s much stronger than few hours ago. I hope it´s a good sign. I see why Thomas is the under butler, not me. And why he was a valet. His handy fingers are done with my shirts in a while and I can only gasp when all the clothes are falling on the ground. And I am half naked.

„You call yourself an ill person?" I hiss and turn him around with effort. Now it´s him to be pinned to the door behind his back. And I can do anything I want to. I feel I´m having a headache.

„No, I don´t. You say so," he grins but lets me take off his shirt, so we are equal right now. I pull myself from him for a while and scan him.

„Honestly, I was really stupid when I was avoiding this sight," I purr and my index finger is writing on his chest.

„Yeah, you were." He whispers and closes eyes for a while. I´m finishing my sentence with a big question mark.

„Of course I do, Jimmy," he says, surprised.

„Why didn´t you say so?" I whine and look at him as a child who didn´t get his toy.

„I thought it was obvious and certain." He says, slightly amused.

„You – stupid – bad – man!" I hiss and look straight into his eyes. „Never hide anything from me. Never."

„I wasn´t hiding it." He smiles. „I just didn´t say it aloud."

„Don´t make fun of me, Thomas Barrow!" I pinned his wrists against the door in the level of my waist. He wants to move, but I don´t let him.

„I don´t. I love you, James Kent. Is this enough? I love you." He cries, but I see amusement in his gaze. „From the first time I saw you I´ve been loving you. Don´t you see it? Is it neccessary to say aloud?"

„No, it´s not, but you forced me to say it when it was obvious I love you." I say and let his wrists go. I expect him to grab me, but he just stands and lets me kiss his neck. I´m trying to be as gentle as possible because I know the doctor is coming tomorrow – or today? – and it wouldn´t be good if he asked where did Thomas get a bruise on his neck. I feel bad for not letting Thomas sleep or for – well, exhausting him. But he´s too beautiful.

I know something is wrong. Thomas is shivering and I see he can´t struggle cough any longer. I step from him right in the moment when he starts to cough. He plonks down and curles in a ball. I fall on my knees, but I am as useful as shoes for footless. I hold Thomas, but he can´t stop coughing, he´s shaking, his dark hair fell into his face and he only embraces his chest to stop the pain. He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and holds it in front of his mouth. I don´t see what is he doing until I see the fabric sucking in some fluid. And I almost black out when I see red spots in it.

„Thomas! How should I help you?! Tell me something, anything!" I cry and try to stay conscious because I´m feeling I´m not able to stand it any longer. I´m not a medic, I can´t stand blood, I feel like vomitting every moment I see it. And it´s even worse when it´s Thomas. Thomas´ blood, Thomas´ health, Thomas´ life… I recall a bad moment, the worst in my life. And I have to shut my eyes fimly to fight the idea back. No. Thomas is staying here with me. I can´t let him disapper in a pool of blood. It can´t happen again.

I´m really trying to stand it, but it´s way more than I´ve ever seen and than I can bear. I feel light headed and I feel I´m bursting out laughing again. Thomas is still shaking with cough, obviously in pain. He looked so well few minutes ago! How could this happen?! I stand up, legs unsure but I will be more useful if I call somebody to help. But who? Surely not Carson, I´m not going to explain what I was doing here – not to him – he hates me and Thomas anyway. Alfred is stupid and would ask stupid questions – he always does. That leaves… some hall boys whose names I don´t even know and women. I´m not quite certain about it, but when I see Thomas suffering, all doubts can wait.

„Thomas, I´m going for Mrs Hughes. Just… try to breathe or whatever you should do." I panic and hide him under his shirt and my livery. Does he even need it? He´s much hotter than he was few moments ago – or am I just colder? I go away from the room, dressing my own shirt quickly as I am peering into the darkness of the corridor, treading quietly. I open the door of men´s part and go to open the women´s one.

This is so wrong. It´s middle of the night and I am in women´s part of house where I really shouldn´t be. The only thing which would be worse is if I went to wake up ladies upstairs. Which leaves me think about their youngest daughter. If she was here, I wouldn´t have any doubts and came to wake her up, because she was a nurse, she would never let anybody suffer just to have her own sleep and moreover, Thomas was her friend. He doubts it and says they couldn´t be friends when she was a lady and he was a footman in that time, but I think he really cared a lot of her and she was so kind she would never mind if he was a peddler. He was so heartbroken when she died…

No! There´s no time for thinking about young people´s deaths. Thomas is getting better. He will be alright. That´s it. Now, I´m waking up Mrs Hughes who will certainly stand the blood much better than I do, and she will say it´s normal, Thomas will be fine, and we´re all going to bed in a minute.

I button up the shirt and do something with my hair. Then I knock on Mrs Hughes´ door and wait for response. I´m a bit surprised when I see her really coming to the door. I would sleep happily after such a silent sound. She stares at me in astonishment.

„James?! I´m sure you have a reason for waking me up in this part of the day." She says and looks angry.

„I really do. I´m sorry to wake you up, Mrs Hughes, but it´s neccessary." I almost shriek.

„Calm down, there´s no need to wake all the house up." She says and looks more concerned than angry right now. „Is it Thomas?" she asks with fear. She never calls him Thomas, not in front of me…

I only nod because I´m not able to speak, I would be hysterical again. She doesn´t say anything, just goes towards men´s corridor. She opens the door without hesitation and quickly steps into Thomas´ room.

I should have stayed outside. I should have hidden myself in some corner – what I used to do when I was a child – and let the others do everything. But I didn´t and now I will pay.

Thomas is sitting where I left him, leaning against the wall and trying to catch breath. He´s pale and I can´t understand how could he look so good few moments ago. Or did I just not care? Did I deceive myself, pretending everything was right, even though it wasn´t? How could I overlook he´s not feeling well? What sort of friend am I, not noticing how ill he is?

I feel dizzy, and I can´t concentrate on anything. I´m short of breath, as if I was drowning or somebody throttled me. And I feel a wave of insane laughter in stomach. As well as I feel I´m vomitting. No, not now. I have to cope with my stupid, weak stomach. I swallow once, twice, three times and then I lose myself completely. The last thing I remember is Thomas´ terrible cough.

„No, Thomas, there´s no need to wake doctor Clarkson up just because James is not able to stand little sickness." Mrs Hughes´ voice hisses but obviously tries not to wake me up. I suppose. Maybe she stays silent because of something else. I don´t know. I don´t remember anything. I feel pain in head and see two faces leaning above me, but I can´t recognize them. And they are too intrested in their conversation to notice me. Everything seems to be in some kind of fog, which is a bit funny because I´m somewhere inside.

„What I am suffering from is not a little sickness, Mrs Hughes," the voice I love so much is silent and painful. I want to cry.

„I didn´t mean your illness," Mrs Hughes says sharply. I realize it must be her and Thomas, but I can´t see their faces yet.

„I know what you think," Thomas says and it sounds so desperately and tired I want to scream. „But it´s not true. He didn´t sleep a lot and he took care about me. He just… It was too much for him. He´s not weak or vain, at least not in this case." I smile with joy. Thomas says such good things about me. It´s so lovely. My vision is slowly getting to normal and I can recognize Thomas, Mrs Hughes and Thomas´ room as well.

„You don´t have to defend him. I just say he´s going to be perfectly alright without doctor´s help."

„That´s probably true," Thomas admits and finally looks at me. „Jimmy, are you alright?" He kneels beside me as if I was ill and he was the one to take care. What an irony. I want to say something, but it takes me some time to clear my throat.

„I-I am. I´m sorry. I don´t know what that was, I´m really sorry. It was just too much for me and - " I´m interrupted in the middle of the sentence by Thomas who takes me into his arms. At first I want to pull him away when Mrs Hughes is near, but then I let it be when he speaks again.

„You don´t have to be sorry," He whispers into my ear. I notice Mrs Hughes had turned away from us, but she doesn´t look disgusted or so. „There´s no need. But if you can´t stand it, then don´t come, Jimmy. If you don´t feel good when you see me, I understand it. But you have to tell me."

„But I want to be with you," I cry and hide deeper in his arms. I´m so pathetic.

„I want to be with you too, but you can´t be here if it makes you feel bad." He says patiently as if I was a naughty child – what exactly I am.

„It´s okay. I´m sorry again." I say more firmly.

„Well then. Can you stand up?" he pulls me from his chest, not forgetting to plant a little sweet kiss on my forehead. Like a mum to a child. I resist the thought but it is still here. I´m weak. I´m pathetic. And I cause more troubles than I solve.

„Thomas, please, don´t make me look weak. I have to be here for you, not conversely." I wanted to say it firmly, but my voice broke. „I should support you, make you feel better, help you. And instead I´m passing out and crying."

„Jimmy, look at me," he orders. I blink many times to fight the tears in eyes and look into his face. The love I see is overwhelming and the most wonderful thing I´ve ever felt. „You are helping me. You help me more than all the doctors can. Just your will to be with me even though it makes you sick, that you come again and again despite it scares you. You are helping me. You´re the brightest star in the sky." Thomas says and I see in his eyes he´s not lying. He really feels this is right and if he does, then I have to believe it, too.

„I suppose you don´t actually need me here right now. But Thomas, remember love is the best medicine, but even that you have to take the right dosage. You should sleep. And James, I don´t think Mr Carson would be happy to lose another pair of hands. Go to bed, now." She orders and leaves. For a while I just stare at Thomas and then I burst out laughing.

„What´s so funny?" he asks.

„That whatever time of the day is Mrs Hughes always loves you and hates me. Why?" I say and stop laughing, because I really want to hear the answer.

„It´s not that she hates you. She just can´t forgive you even though I´ve never blamed you." He responds. I think about it a bit and then I say thoughtfully.

„Because I wanted you to leave," it´s not a question, but he answers anyway.

„Yes. It was her who found me totally desperate when everything looked lost. Then she told it to Mr Bates and for some reason he helped me. I don´t know why, because I was causing a lot of troubles to him, but he convinced Ms O´Brien to tell you not to insist on firing me. Mrs Hughes already hates Ms O´Brien, desperately, so now she also has you to blame. You can´t blame her. For some reason she started to like me." He sighs and closes eyes for a while.

„I see. Well, I didn´t know it. But she was right, you should go to bed." I say and kiss him once again, but now it´s gentle and tender. He responds, but not as cheerfully as before.

„ And so do you. Good night. And now go to bed. Sleeping on the floor can be quite unhealthy, you know." He smiles and plants another kiss on my forehead. „Oh God, Jimmy, it´s just a wonderful feeling to kiss you." He gasps.

„You don´t really know how much I enjoy it either," I purr and hug him more tightly before I stand up and give him a hand to help him. He takes it, but once again I feel uneasy when I hold him. He´s so thin it scares me. But it´s getting better. No matter how bad it looks, it´s getting better.

„Sweet dreams," He says and smiles and I´m convinced he´ll be okay. He has to be okay.

„The same for you," I whisper and I see his eyes shining. I have to get another kiss. I have to. I lean towards him and get it, now it´s a bit longer. „And you´d better be alright tomorrow."

„I will try," he smiles and lets my hands go.


	9. Advice, concern and punished silliness

**_Sorry for the delay with this chapter, I didn´t have time to write. Despite, this chapter is a bit longer than usually, I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reviews and reading, I love you all. :) _**

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„Oh, come on, wake up you stupid Sleeping beauty, come on! I don´t want Carson to tell me off because you´re sleeping." Alfred´s annoying voice is surely not one of the things I would like to hear in the morning. I don´t open eyes. I don´t feel like it. I can see the last bits of my dream, I can keep them in mind for a while because it was really quite a nice dream.

„Don´t make me kiss you to wake you up, James!" He says firmly. I´ve never heard Alfred to be so penetrative, but maybe he thinks I´m asleep. I don´t think he would try to really kiss me, but I don´t want to risk that. I open eyes widely and scream: „Bloody hell, Alfred! I´ve almost got a heart-attack because of you!"

„I tried to wake you up gently," he says and steps back when I stand up and begin to dress up.

„No, you didn´t. At least that thing you did was not nice at all." I reply sarcastically. Is it just me, or does he try to avoid the look at me? I grin a little.

„I suppose saying: ´Jimmy, wake up.´ is nice enough. Problem is that you didn´t seem to be awake." He looks as if he doesn´t care about it at all but I know he enjoyed the feeling of shouting at me.

„I didn´t hear that. So it means you didn´t say it. I don´t have a deep sleep." I say and adjust my livery. When it looks perfect I start to do my hair.

„Well, so you were awake that night when Mr Barrow came to kiss you?" He says with interest. It looks like he´s been waiting for the answer since it happened. Well, actually I wasn´t completely awake. I thought it was a dream but even though it was way before I realized something is not completely alright with me, I didn´t consider it as a bad dream.

„Maybe I was," I say mysteriously. I turn around to see his face and it really lights my day. He looks at me with such a terror in eyes I start to laugh.

„Come on, Alfred, we have work to do." I grin and show him the door, because he´s probably too shocked to think properly. It´s a bit difficult for him even when he´s not confronted with something like… well what I am.

He leaves my room but doesn´t say anything. I don´t mind it. I know I have a delay so I can´t check Thomas now what tears me into pieces. I move forward to work and start to do the usual stuff. Alfred looks to be lost in thoughts most of the time and I wonder if he´s still considering the possibility of being kissed by a man and enjoying it. When we´re preparing some dishes I remember I promised Daisy to talk to Alfred. This work is really boring and I have to make myself busy to keep my thoughts from Thomas.

„Alfred, what do you think about Daisy?" I say in a normal voice. At least I hope it sounds like a normal voice.

„Daisy? I´ve never really thought about her." He says, surprised as if I asked him some stupid question like why elephants don´t fly.

„Why haven´t you? She´s a nice girl you know." I say and hope Alfred won´t see I take it more seriously than I pretend.

„Yes, very nice. And good, she´s always smiling and wants to help me. But honestly… she´s just a friend for me. I´ve never even thought about her in any other way. Or maybe I did, but this was months ago."

„Did? Why don´t you think about her now?" I watch myself in a silver spoon and state I looked better in my life. I have only had about three hours of real sleep and it can be seen.

„Ivy came." He says as if it was clear. Well, it´s not. At least for me. Even when I came, before Thomas kissed me and I started to think the reason why I don´t like girls is probably that I like men, before all the mess which came afterwards, I had no idea what Alfred saw in Ivy. Because she´s not only stupid and cheeky, but she´s not even pretty. I think Daisy´s much prettier. I can assess it.

„I see. Well, if you think so, then I´m not the right person to judge. But you should think about it better. Daisy likes you, you know?" I say and put the last spoon on a table. „I´m going to wake the lord up," I say and leave Alfred in his confusion.

It wasn´t a lie, I am going to wake _Lord-whose-name-I-really-should-remember_ up, but I have some time before. I come to Thomas´ room and silently open the door to look inside. He´s sleeping, but he doesn´t look as lovely as before. I see the pain and illness on him. He´s pale, sweaty and curled into a ball, embracing his chest as if he is trying to keep himself altogether. It makes my heart ache, but I tiptoe back and close the door silently, knowing he needs to sleep.

„You are a very caring boy, aren´t you?" Mrs Hughes stands behind me. I almost jump into the air. At first I feel guilty because I was caught up not working, but then I see she´s smiling a bit.

„Usually, not. But I can´t help myself. I´m really scared. He doesn´t look good." I say and reveal her my worst fear I didn´t admit even to myself until now.

„We have to believe and pray. But I don´t like what he looks like either. I wasn´t far from passing out too last night. You didn´t see the worst part. I envy you because that was terrible." She says and even now I can hear she thinks I´m useless.

„I´m sorry, Mrs Hughes. I just can´t stand the sight of blood." I say and feel a need to explain it, to defend myself. I havem´t even told it to Thomas before.

„I had a brother. He was older than me, and he was my idol. He loved horses and was quite handy with them. I´ve never seen anybody doing things like that. One day, he was in the fence again but some stupid people went around, shooting. The horses panicked and started to run around." I sigh. I don´t know why I say it to her.

„He didn´t have a chance. You know how heavy a horse is? I was the one to find him. I was six years old. I couldn´t sleep for many months and even now when I see blood, it returns back. I don´t know if you can imagine it, but I feel all the fear and all the despair again. Every time I see blood it reminds me of my brother. Even when Daisy cut her thumb I had to look away. And when somebody I really love is bleeding…" I shut eyes to fight the tears.

„I didn´t want to black out. But it was stronger than me. You don´t know how much I hate myself for not being a proper support for Thomas." I bite my lip to resist the temptation to cry.

„Well, I… I didn´t know that. I´m sorry for accusating you you were a coward." She says. I look into her eyes and see she really regrets it.

„It´s alright. I would do it too." I say. „Will you… will you please leave it to yourself? I´ve never told it to anyone and I don´t want anybody to feel sorry for me or so. And surely not Thomas."

„Of course. I don´t have any right to talk about it."

„Thank you, Mrs Hughes. You are a great woman." I say. „And now, please excuse me, I have to wake the lord up."

„So early? It´s seven o´clock!" She asks in surprise.

„Yeah. He´s going running or what. He gets up this time every day." I reply and leave her.

„I forbid it. Stay here and wait for me. I insist on it." The doctor says and shows me he´s not willing to discuss it. Well, I can argue anyway.

„I´m sorry, doctor Clarkson, but I really can´t obey. Technically you are not my superior, and in my free time, I can do anything I want." I say sharply with quite a lot of confidence.

„You certainly can, but even you have to understand that the more time I spend here with you, the less I will have to treat Mr Barrow. I have more patients, you know, and you might be surprised but their families think they are most important just like you think Mr Barrow is. If you want me to take care of him, then let me go in." Okay. I lost this.

„Well then. Just go in. But I want you to tell me what´s the matter with him." I step aside from the door, but still not letting him in.

„I can´t if he doesn´t want me to. If he doesn´t ask me to tell you, I have to stay silent. That´s the law. You´re not his family so I can´t tell you anything without his permission and - "

„But I love him! I can´t marry him, but don´t I have a right to know what´s the matter with him?!" I cry in anger. I feel my cheeks are getting hotter and I know I have red spots of anger in my face. Thomas says it happens to me every time I´m angry. I suppose he finds it cute.

„Your feelings towards Mr Barrow doesn´t mean anything to law. As far as you´re not his family member, I can´t tell you anything unless he tells me to do it. And you shouldn´t scream about your emotions so loudly, it may get you in troubles. The law is not lenient when it comes to… this." Doctor says firmly. Does he even have a heart? Or did he use it as another object of research and now has only some machine in his chest which pumps the blood all around his body?

„Well then." I hiss. „Do what you want, you heartless man!" I frown and let him go inside. He doesn´t say anything, doesn´t even give me a gaze and opens the door. I know standing here would be just a waste of time so I force myself to work.

Of course, the doctor didn´t spare a word for me. I was quite angry, but he kept saying Thomas didn´t allow him to tell me what´s the matter with him. I was so angry I almost punched him, but fortunately I could control my emotions enough to see it wouldn´t be the best thing to do. But the thing which really made me upset was that I knew it was serious, way more serious that I wished. Because the doctor frowned and said that if Thomas won´t be better tomorrow, we should take him into the hospital. It was yesterday when he assured me the hospital wasn´t a right option. And now he wants me to give Thomas up – to send him away. I stare at the doctor and I can´t believe my ears. I see how serious this is. Why don´t you just tell me?! I feel the despair I felt in the night, I want to cry, and I´m terribly tired. I feel my eyes are closing and staying awake is more and more difficult throughout the day.

The doctor looks at me without any sign of pity. His face looks like it is made of marble, but he seems to be worried. I ask him if he wants to stay and add that Mrs Crawley is here, what makes him a bit happier, his eyes shining. He asks me to lead him where she is and when he lets me go, I close the door behind me and lean against it for a while, eyes closed.

„James? Are you alright?" _Lord-what-a-shame-I-don´t-know-his-name_ wakes me up from my day-dreaming. It takes me some time to realize what´s going on, so I might look a bit puzzled. I shake my head a bit and straighten.

„Of course I am. Do you need anything, m´lord?" I say in a silent voice which doesn´t sound like my own. All the joy has gone and instead I hear old voice, full of pain. It scares me.

„No, I don´t. But you look like you haven´t closed an eye in the night." He scans me carefully. I feel like he knows about everything, like he sees the depth of my soul. I feel I´m blushing when I remember Thomas´ gentle kisses, his tender lips, careful fingers.

„Well, that´s not entirely true, but it wasn´t the best night I´ve ever had. In some ways," I add before I can stop myself from being so silly. I shouldn´t say that. It´s not even right to complain about anything in front of someone in his position. But I had to say it, I would feel I betrayed Thomas if I stayed silent.

„Some ways?" He rises eyebrows and I can see a glimmer of cheer in his eyes.

„When it comes to sleep," I say and I see he won´t let me go without talking about it. Should I talk to him about such a delicate thing? It´s mine and Thomas´ little secret and I´m not sure I want anybody else to know about it. And still… he seems to be so intrested and tried to help me I can´t refuse.

„Don´t you say." He smiles. „And what about the other ways?"

„Well…" I try to think about some acceptable way to tell him about the night. I can´t just say: I said Thomas I love him and we were kissing, but then it all got bad because he started to cough and I fainted. What a beautiful love story, isn´t it? „I did what you adviced me to. At first it looked it wasn´t a good idea, but then it became… better." I flush and look at my shoes, trying to find anything intresting on them.

„Congratulations, then. I feel happy for you." He smiles again. „He´s getting better then, isn´t he?" Well, m´lord, that´s the problem…

„I´m sure he is, thank you." I say, because I´m not able to say the terrible truth aloud. Even though I think he could hear the pain and fear in my voice.

„Jimmy, can you dance?" Ivy asks me when we have some time in the evening. I checked Thomas few minutes before, but he seems to be asleep the whole day. He looked even thinner and paler, his face was all sweaty and I could see the mug with tea lying untouched on the bedside table. I´m sure he wouldn´t let it there – he knows how I insisted on it – if he didn´t feel so bad he couldn´t even think about drinking tea. I had to leave the room soon, because I couldn´t stand it and I didn´t want to wake him up. I burst into tears right after closing the door, and had to hide in my room to overcome that moment. And now, the last thing I want to do is dance with Ivy. With her terrible joy, cheerful smile and provocative motions. With her undying happiness, which seems to be as appropriate as singing happy songs at funeral. Not a good parable at all…

„I can." I only say, not looking at her.

„And will you dance with me?" I have to look at her to see if she really means it seriously. I turn my head and see hope in her eyes. It´s so silly. She even sits in a way I should find seductive. I may find it seductive, if I liked women. No I might not. She´s such a terrible person I wouldn´t find her attractive even if she looked like the most beautiful man in the world. I wouldn´t find her attractive even if she looked like Thomas, with his thougtful sight. Because he has a beautiful soul, not just body, and her soul is one of the most annoying things I´ve ever seen.

„No," I say and try to keep my anger away.

„Why not?" she leans in front of me, coquettishly. How can anybody be so stupid?! How can she be so heartless, so dumb? It´s unbelieveable! And I can feel the fury springing from me. I can´t resist it. It was too much.

„Because you´re stupid! The last thing I want now is to do some stupid, happy and silly things. And I surely don´t want to do it with you. Don´t you see how stupid you are?!" I yell at her and stand up. I shake with anger.

„I – I don´t know what-" she gasps and sttuters.

„No, you don´t know anything! That´s your problem!" I shout and feel hot tears in eyes. „You´re so stupid! So terribly stupid…" I sit down on the chair and hide my face in hands, not able to think. I´m a bit too sensitive. But I can´t… It hurts too much. I´m so desperate and so scared it suffocates me.

„What the hell is going on here?" Daisy´s voice wakes me up. I wipe the tears and look at her. She gazes at me, then at Ivy and back at me. I see anger in her eyes and hatred which has been hiding for too long. And I hope I´m not the person she hates.

In that moment I see I´m not. She comes to Ivy and even though she´s shorter than the kitchen maid, I wouldn´t want to be on her place. Daisy stares at her with hate.

„What have you done to him, you bitch?!" She screams. I´ve never thought Daisy knows this word. And I´ve never even dreamed I will hear it from her lips.

„I-Daisy, calm down I haven´t-" Ivy tries to defend herself but even she has to see she lost.

„You haven´t think! You never do!" Daisy shouts. „But even if you´re stupid, don´t you have feelings? Are you really so stupid, or are you heartless enough to hurt Jimmy? Do you even care about somebody but you?!"

„I assure you I didn´t know I was hurting him. I just asked him to dance with me and-" The kitchen maid is so scared I´d probably find it funny, if only I could.

„You asked him what?" When I look at Daisy, I see what Thomas meant when he talked about red spots from anger in the cheeks. She has the same ones now. „You might not notice, but his best friend – best friend is a person you really like and care about, just to explain to you – is ill and Jimmy´s quite worried about him." Daisy´s shaking and I know this is not just about me. It was just the last drop which made her explode.

„I didn´t know that. I didn´t even know he and Mr Barrow were friends. I thought they were avoiding each other," Ivy almost cries. Oh god, she can be so annoying!

„That only proves how stupid you are. They are best friends!"

„Well, I suppose Thomas wants something different," she says. I stare at her for a long time. What? What did she say? I thought she knew this wasn´t safe for her, but this is too much. Even for her. I open mouth to say something, but Daisy is faster.

„How dare you?!" She screams and before I can see it happening, her hand finds Ivy´s face and I can hear quite a loud sound of well-placed slap. It must have hurt a lot and I didn´t know Daisy has so much strength. Ivy touches her left, all red cheek in pain and I feel an evil pleasure of seeing it. Daisy breathes harder and I can see she doesn´t have any idea what led her to do this.

„I suppose you have some work, Ivy," she says stiffly, „And don´t you dare try to do anything of what happened again. It would end worse." I don´t know what is the secret power the assistant cook has, but even I feel respect. I find myself willing to obey her. Her voice is silent but steady and she means every word she says. In this moment, she reminds me of Thomas, somehow. The wisdom and experience in her is strong and I feel like an immatured child even though she´s probably even younger than I am.

„Of course, Daisy," Ivy murmurs.

„I´m Mrs Mason for you, since now. I didn´t want to do it, but you have to respect me." Daisy says sharply. Then I remember she really is a married woman, unlike Mrs Hughes who just has the titul. Intresting. I suppose Daisy´s been through many things, much more than I was.

„Sure, Mrs Mason," when Ivy turns away, she frowns and gives me some gaze which should have meant Daisy is stupid or something like that. She expected me to nod or smile, but I don´t look at her, turning to Daisy.

Now, she doesn´t look so confident. She sits down beside me, taking my hands in hers. I see the pity in her eyes and I feel even worse. I´m useless. Everybody´s just helping me because I´m a child and can´t take care of myself. I feel ashamed and I can´t look into her eyes – I would just feel her concern as if I am somebody weak, fragile and pitiable, what in fact I am. I let her defend me against Ivy. I know, I would never be able to slap her – no matter how much I hated her in that moment, I wouldn´t hit a girl. I suppose. But I didn´t even consider that, I was just sitting there and crying. I´m a useless idiot.

„Jimmy, she´s stupid. Don´t take it personally. She had no idea what she was saying. She didn´t know…" Daisy´s voice is comforting and pleasant, but even that can´t beat the feeling that I am surrounded by people, who are too nice and good. I don´t deserve neither Thomas´ love, nor Daisy´s friendship. Because what do I do myself? Cry and let them care.

„Talk to me. Tell me how you feel. Tell me anything you want. It would be better, trust me. Just don´t stay silent and alone." She takes my chin between fingers and rises my head, so she looks into my eyes. I blink to send the tears away, but it´s not working. I wipe them with hand and turn away from Daisy.

„I can´t. You are all so good to me. You, Thomas… I don´t deserve it." I whisper and stare at our joined hands, lying on her knees.

„Why do you think so?" she asks and I hear some surprise in her voice.

„You are both so strong, so nice, so kind… and then there´s me who cries all the time and lets you to do everything. I couldn´t even fight Ivy!" I say and look at her, with a bit of anger. „I´m useless. Child. Bungling."

„You are a good person, Jimmy. You have feelings, you´re sensitive and care about your friend. Don´t you think that is enough?" She smiles at me.

„No, it´s not. Thomas is ill. It looks bad, doctor said that if he doesn´t get better till tomorrow morning, we should take him to the hospital. I´m afraid it´s more serious than they admit. Neither him, nor Thomas want to tell me anything. In fact, Thomas has just been sleeping for few last hours. I try to convince myself it´s a good sign, but I can´t deceive myself too long. I´m not that stupid. And you know what? I know how serious it is and I still can´t stand it. I´m pathetic and weak." I frown in frustration. I want to pull the hands from her, because it makes me feel more like a child, but I can´t find the power.

„Why? Because you have feelings? Because you care about your friend?" Her eyes are looking at me sharply, her voice as imperative as before. „Don´t embarass yourself, Jimmy. Maybe you´re not strong and cool as Thomas is, but you´re unique in your own way. You´re kind and caring. Doesn´t it what Thomas wants? Some childish but sweet little boy?"  
„You talk like the lord," I mumble, because it´s true. He told me almost the same. But Daisy really knows Thomas, she´s been working with him for quite a long time.

„Maybe because that´s true." She says, more nicely, „haven´t you ever thought about it? If Thomas didn´t think you deserve him, he wouldn´t care so much about you. I´m not stupid, I see what´s between you. You mean a lot for him, even more than his own happiness. Don´t you see it? He always cared about you, never let anybody say anything wrong about you, wanted to help you. He wants you like you are, he wants to guide you. Actually I suppose he wants to lead you and show you what life is about, he wants to be beside you when you´re growing up. Don´t you see how happy he is when you are near him? He doesn´t care if you´re laughing or crying, he´s just happy to be with you. Don´t you think he deserves to be happy?"

„Well… that was pretty much information in one sentence." I say and try to sort out my thoughts.

„It doesn´t matter." She squeezes my hands. „You have to know Thomas loves you. And I love you, even though in different way. You really deserve friends. Why are you sending us away?"

I look into her big eyes and I see she´s honest. She really thinks she´s telling me the truth. Can somebody really like me? I´ve never been used to have friends, being loved – I mean really loved. I´ve been avoiding people for so long I don´t see the possibility someone would really love me.

„I don´t know," I shrug helplessly. „I don´t want to be a burden, I don´t want to bother you or Thomas. And I feel I´m bothering you, because I´m so silly."

„You´re not. We need you, because we are both quite uncertain when it comes to emotions. On the contrary you are so opened and lovely when you talk about Thomas or to me. Emotions are not bad, don´t forget it. Just because Thomas is different than you in it, it doesn´t mean he doesn´t love you."

„Ah, Daisy. I don´t know what I would do without you. Thank you." I smile at her. She looks pleased and smiles back.

„I just said you what you´ve known yourself," she pulls back hair from my forehead, but it has different meaning than when Thomas did it, even though it´s pleasant anyway.

„Maybe. But it was what I needed." I stand up. „You´re a great woman, Daisy. I wish anybody but me sees it." She doesn´t respond, just smiles and then looks away. I leave her and want to go from the hall. I´m in the door when her voice sounds once again.

„Jimmy?"

„Yes?" I turn back. Her face is different and I can´t describe what it exactly means.

„Don´t lose faith. You have to believe. Don´t give up, otherwise Thomas would too. Show him you´re certain he´s going to be okay, even if you´re not. Hide your doubts – you can tell about them to me, but he mustn´t see them." She looks pretty concerned about if I understand what she´s saying.

„I see. Thank you and good night." I say and try to hide how I feel. Because she made me feel she sees I have the doubts. I can just believe Thomas won´t be able to.


	10. Childhood memories, decision and goodbye

I wake up with fear. I sit up, peering into the darkness of the room and feel my heart slowly returning back to its normal pace. I don´t know what was that. I had some stupid nightmare without any reasonable sense, but it scared me to death. I try to fight the fear, but it´s returning again and again. I shake my head, stretch myself and blink many times, but I´m still too frightened. Finally I decide it won´t be easy to fall asleep again. I stand up and come out from my room. I run fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself down.

I go to the kitchen, because I´m thirsty. I take a vase with water and drink it all. Then I find the cake which remained from dinner, and eat it all. What´s that?! I feel like I would eat everything I see, so I leave before this can happen. On my way back to room, I can´t ignore Thomas´ door.

I open it silently and look inside. I thought Thomas would be asleep, I wanted just too see him, but he´s not. I step inside and close the door behind me. I come closer to him and see that no matter how much I wished so, he´s not getting better. When I sit down and take his hand into mine, I almost jump up in the air. It´s so hot. I can´t fight it and have to touch Thomas´ forehead, just to realize I was right about the temperature. I remember what Daisy said and smile at Thomas. I also gently touch his cheeks, to make him think I just wanted to touch him. I don´t believe he´s so stupid he wouldn´t understand what I´m doing, but I have to pretend I don´t care.

„Hello, Sleeping Beauty," I smile and touch his lips with my thumb, gently. I remember Alfred called me the same yesterday, but it meant something completely different.

„Hi, prince Charming," Thomas smiles, but he needs effort to do it.

„Shh, don´t talk," I whisper and look at him. He gives me a smile filled with so much love and tenderness I almost melt. How could I ever think he doesn´t love me? I´m holding his hand, more to calm myself than him and try to think about anything to tell him. After I doubt I can speak about any day event, I have to take some older memory. And why not?

„Have I ever told you about my pet rat?" I ask and take his hand into mine, caressing it and enjoying his presence. I sit beside him, but I feel I´m much farther than I would want to be. Thomas shakes head – apparently obeying my wish to not talk – and squeezes my hand to let me know he´s listening. Probably.

„Well then. When I was a child, I wanted some pet. I´d lost a brother in an accident before and I was lonely and wanted some friend. Parents were very busy – I barely saw even my mother – and other children didn´t like me – for some reason I didn´t know. It was painful and I was begging for a pet – a dog, a cat or in fact any animal but horse. I was told we don´t have enough money to keep any animal. I was pleading, being nice, shouting, screaming, not talking to them, being naughty, but nothing worked. And then, one day, I was coming back from school across a field because it was shorter and forbidden and I saw a big, fat rat lying there in the middle of wheat. Before I thought about it, I pulled down my jacket and throw it on the rat. Actually, I don´t have an idea why the rat didn´t run away, but I didn´t care. I took it home and hid it in my room." I smile when I recall that.

„Problem was, where to put it? I couldn´t just put it inside my bed or something – of course I have no idea about illnesses or so, but mum would find it there. I got some wooden box and put the rat inside. It was silently lying there and looked quite unconcerned about anything what was going on. I named it Julia because I felt it was so indifferent because it was hopelessly in love and was dying because of longing for some other rat. I was pretty romantic, wasn´t I?" I laugh a little and see Thomas is smiling. He takes my other hand and puts our joined hands on his chest, making me feel his heart beating.

„Julia stayed in the box and I left her under my bed. When nobody could see me, I was talking to her, telling her about how I felt, what pains I was suffering from. In fact, I entrusted her all my secrets. It was a bit strange, because she didn´t try to run away, but I didn´t care. She became my friend. But later in the night, she probably started to be bored or smelled her lover, because she bit a big hole into the box and run away. It didn´t wake me up at all. But later that night, I heard a terrible, frightening scream. It was my mother, going to bathroom or what and meeting Julia in the hall. She was afraid of rats – she even hated mice, little mice – and as I said, Julia wasn´t the smallest rat that ever existed. I don´t know what happened to her, because when I came, she was gone, but I have a suspicion it wasn´t a peaceful end." Thomas smiles at me and I see the love he feels. I can say anything and he would think it´s intelligent and funny or heartbreaking, due to a situation.

„Well, it´s not a happy story, because I was pretty desperate when I found out she was gone, but now I´m laughing when I think of it." I add because I don´t know what to say further. I take the blanket from Thomas and lie down beside him. He´s heating like fire, but I try not to realize. He´s breathing shortly and with obvious effort. And he tries to hide the pain he feels, even though he must know I see it.

„Thomas, why don´t you tell me what doctor told you? Don´t you trust me?" I ask and turn to him, fingers running across his chest.

„I love you," he whispers, but it´s so scary in the tone he uses I don´t even realize his words. It´s just too frightening.

„If you loved me, you wouldn´t have secrets from me." I say firmly.

„I have to… protect you," he exhales deeply and with pain. No matter how much I want to know what´s wrong with him, I can´t force him to say any word. He wouldn´t tell me the name of his actual illness and would only exhaust himself.

„Don´t speak. Now, you have to sleep. Tomorrow you´ll be better and the name of the disease won´t be important. Have a rest then," I say and want to leave him here. He takes me in arms and tries to keep me here even though he´s too weak. Too weak for me to believe he has a flu. I look into his eyes and can see what they want to say. _Don´t leave me. Stay with me_.

„Okay, I´ll be here, but you have to promise you´ll sleep. Do you promise?" Thomas nods and kisses two fingers on his right hand to show me he promises. I smile and kiss him on the forehead.

„Good night and sweet dreams. I love you." I say and mean it. I was so afraid to say these words but now they slipped through my lips effortlessly. Because I really do love him. He´s so sweet and beautiful I just can´t think about anything but him.

Thomas closes eyes, face to me, hidden in my arms. I feel so good holding him - that we finally changed position – now it´s me to hold him. I am almost happy. If he wasn´t ill, it would be the most happy event in my life. He leans against my chest and even though his breath scares me, I finally find it easy to fall asleep. I close my eyes and with his face in mind and name on lips I slip to dreams.

I´d like to say we were happily sleeping in each other´s arms and woke up in the morning, birds were singing and everything was perfect. Unfortunately, that was as true as what I´ve told _Lord-I-still-don´t-know-his-name_ about Thomas´ health. That means it wasn´t true at all.

I was very tired and I fell asleep easily, but I woke up easily as well. If I thought Thomas looked bad yesterday, I don´t have words for how he looks today. He almost can´t stop coughing, he is shaking and he´s getting hotter and hotter. I have no idea what to do and he doesn´t tell me anything. I went for some piece of fabric and wetted it with water. I put it on Thomas´ forehead and cheeks to cool him down a bit. I hate myself for not having any medical experience, because I have no idea how to put it on his chest without fear I´d only make it worse. If it can be worse. Because no matter how I try to look I´m calm, I´m desperate and frightened.

This doesn´t look like some harmless sickness. It´s not a childish flu, it´s not a silly cold. It´s something terrible what we can´t fight. But what? There are too many illnesses which come to my mind, but I´m too unknowing too see which one it is.

So I´m trying to help Thomas how I can, but that´s not much. I know nothing about illnesses or treating, I even know very little about comforting people, being there for them or showing love, it´s pretty new for me. For most of the time until now I´ve been avoiding people, trying to push them all away so they won´t want me to comfort them, to take care of them, because I´ve always been scared of doing that. I´m very unconfident when it comes to this.

I remember what Daisy told me. Thomas loves me and wants me to be myself – he loved me when I was myself and loves my ability to show my emotions and feelings. I don´t understand it much, but it´s lovely to hear.

So I spend the rest of the night with Thomas, holding him in arms, doing anything he wants, forcing him to drink the tea I cooked myself – I´m actually quite proud of it – and I haven´t closed an eye. I don´t regret it, I love Thomas and I have to help him, but in the morning I feel so exhausted I would sleep for a week. If I could. Instead, I have to leave Thomas, even though I hate myself for really doing it and go back to work. It´s very hard to keep eyes opened; especially when I want to shut them to overlook all the problems. To overlook how weak Thomas is, because he´s starting to be literally invisible, or at least transparent. I try not to cry when I see him.

And no matter how damaged he looks, he tries to smile at me, and when he can´t speak because it – as I realized – causes he feels pain, he shows his love to me somehow else. I see it in his eyes. He must feel terrible and he still makes me know he loves me. The glimmer in his eyes – it´s his love for me. And sad is that it seems to be the last thing which is really living in him.

He looks like he´s breathing just because I want him to, like he´s drinking the tea just because I want him to, blinks because he´s supposed to do that, his heart is beating because that is something an obedient heart does and that I´m the only thing which keeps Thomas here, in this world. I´m afraid he´d slip somewhere else if I left him, but I can´t fight it. The fear seems to be too reasonable to be sent away.

He looks like he lost almost all his will to live and just a little bit of the previous, strong Thomas remained, trapped in a weak corpse. I want to cry when I remember what he looked like yesterday, when everything seemed to be perfect.

„I have to go," I whisper to him and rest my forehead against his for a while. He just nods and pulls me closer, then lets me go. I see how weak he seems to be, he shakes and I know this is beyond the normal fever.

„I love you, Thomas. No matter what will come, I love you." I whisper and run my finger across his face, wiping the drop of sweat on his forehead.

„Don´t forget it. I love you." I repeat it, more to myself than to him.

„I…love…you," he manages to whisper, but it´s more a croaking than human´s voice. Despite, I´m filled with such a love I don´t mind it. He is ill and he still bothered himself to say these words. To make me feel good. He has to get better. Nobody can leave his love after something like that. Our love has to survive, it cost us too much to be just taken away from us. I do believe it.

„Have a rest. I´m back in a minute," I kiss him on one cheek and leave his room with heavy heart.

„Apparently he didn´t get better, James. We have to send him to the hospital. And the hospital is not in Downton Abbey and you can´t leave the Abbey, don´t you remember?" Mrs Hughes tells me, but I see concern in her eyes I didn´t expect to see. She´s really sorry for taking my love from me. But it doesn´t change anything on the fact I insist on going to the hospital with him.

„I remember. But Mrs Hughes, please! You have to see I need to go there with him. He needs me!" I beg and try not to cry.

„I´m afraid we have to keep Mr Carson´s order. You were lucky when you weren´t fired for what you´d done. He was quite nice to you and now you have to obey." She says flatly.

„I know you like Thomas. And you know he needs me, you know he loves me. Why don´t you admit it?" I shout.

„Don´t scream, James. It´s not helping. And I admit I see he loves you – maybe even more than you realize – but even I have to keep Mr Carson´s orders. And you know he will never let you go because of Thomas´ love to you." She says and I see she really pities me. Well, that can´t help me even though I appreciate it.

„He hates us." I say, but it´s not a question, it´s just a statement.

„He doesn´t hate you. He hates people who do something different and he hates anything what is not how he thinks it should be. And – don´t be offended – but you´re not a typical worker he´d love to see. And Thomas´ love to you which – I hope – is returned is something Mr Carson can´t accept. Don´t judge him. He doesn´t mean to hurt you or Thomas, but he think your love is here just to show him you´re defying him. He can´t understand you can really love Thomas – it´s not normal, it´s not due to rules. So he takes it as an attack on himself."

„This is too much for me. But you should know I´m not giving up. Not so easily. I´ll get to see Thomas." I say and go away, without any word of good bye. I´m pretending I´m going to work, but I feel like if I´m not doing something what needs a lot of moving, I´ll fall asleep.

„Jimmy?" Mrs Hughes finds me. I notice she called me Jimmy – she never does it. „Everything´s ready, Mr Branson said he´ll take Thomas to the hospital so it doesn´t matter the chauffer has his day off. You should… say hello to him."

I just nod because I finally don´t know what to say. I turn around and go to Thomas´ room, not knowing if I should go fast or slow. I reach his door, take a deep breath and come in. Thomas lies curled into a ball in the bad, his face pale, hair sticked to sweaty forehead. I sit down beside him, and he straightens to be able to see me. I take his hand into mine and smile.

„Hey," I say, unconfident. I have no idea what I should do. I don´t want to look I´m giving up, but I don´t want to say nothing in case… in case this is the last time I see him. I blink.

„Hello," he croakes.

„Well, I didn´t want to let you go," I start and since that, I´m not able to stop. „But it´s the best option. You´ll be fine again and we´ll be together, but now I have to let them take you from me. It tears me into pieces, but it´s neccessary. I can´t come to visit you, because Mr Carson forbid me to leave Downton what you might remember. But you have to believe. You have to know I love you and no minute will pass without me thinking about you." I stare into Thomas eyes, which are full of love and I know it´s love to me. And when I feel tears in eyes, he´s already weeping. My speech was maybe too sweet and stupid, but I don´t care. I´ve never been so full of love, I´ve never wanted to stop the time so desperately. Because this is beautiful.

I see how ill Thomas is, I know it might be dangerous, but I can´t really care about it. The moment is stronger. I lean forward and kiss him. I´m kissing him and everything stops existing, nothing else matters but him and his touches, his hot lips on mine, his beating heart, his fingers touching my hip. _Oh god, how much I love you, Thomas!_

I want to live in this moment forever, but I can´t, of course. I pull apart from him, feeling almost physical pain of it. I look into his beautiful, loving eyes, and I know I woudln´t be able to be happy with anybody but him, because he´s so perfect.

„I love you, Thomas. I love you so desperately." I whisper and smile.

„I love you too. I´m so glad I met you, Jimmy." He cries.

„Don´t say it like it is an end," I shriek and squeeze his hand. He just smiles with pain in eyes that say they know but they won´t tell.

„You´ll be alright," I say, but it sounds unconfident.

I help Thomas to the car, with Mr Branson´s help, and watch the car leaving. I stand in the door for a long time, even when it is too far for me to see. I stare on the road and try to convince myself Thomas will return.


	11. The perks of having a friend

_**As usual, I want to thank you all for reading my story and for your reviews, it makes me very happy. Moreover, some of you asked me (in worry) if Thomas has a cancer. I assure you he doesn´t. **_

_**Enjoy this chapter, it´s a bit different, you´ll see why. **_

By noon, Thomas is gone and I try to stop thinking I saw him for the last time. I work more than I´ve worked since I came, I help Daisy prepare dinner in my free time and spend some really nice moments with her. I don´t like cooking, I don´t get what Alfred sees in it, but I don´t object, I have opportunity to talk to Daisy and that´s the fact why I haven´t gone mad yet. She tries to make me laugh and think about anything but Thomas. I love her for that, she´ sensitive and nice and amazingly good story-teller. She tells me some stories about what she had experienced here at Downton before I came, not avoiding Thomas´ name. I would feel – and I suppose she knows it – that she doesn´t want to talk about him and it would feel like burrying him. I don´t want that. There´s no need to be silent when his name should be said, because he´s coming back again. No need.

I still feel fear and worry about him – of course – but Daisy managed to cheer me up, at least a bit and I´m not desperate which is much better than it was few hours ago.

„James, what are you doing here?" Mrs Patmore comes into the kitchen. „I hope you don´t want to make the soup better by adding your fingers to it."

„I´m just helping Daisy, Mrs Patmore. And don´t be afraid, she didn´t let me hold a knife." I smirk at her and show her I´m just whisking eggs.

„I see I´ve taught you something, Daisy," She smiles. „But I expect you to finish it. Don´t you two dare to flirt here and not do your work."

„You can rely on us," I say, „I swear." I put hand in fist on my heart, bow my head and starighten again. Mrs Patmore smiles and Daisy bursts out laughing.

„I assure you Jimmy didn´t try to flirt with me, not a little, and won´t try it." She adds.

„Never´s late for hope," Mrs Patmore says wisely.

„Well, I´m going down to a village but I expect you to have everything prepared for cooking when I´m back." She looks over my shoulder and with a frown she shakes her head. „Where´s Ivy? I´m sorry, but she´s a bit better cook than you are, James."

„I´ve given her free time since Jimmy offered to help me. We don´t… put up with each other easily, now." Daisy blushes. I know she thinks she didn´t react properly yesterday, but I have to tell her it meant much to me.

„You never have. But if it is done, I don´t mind James being the kitchen maid, I´ve never had prettier one." She smiles and I feel it´s me to blush now. I´m used to hear I´m handsome, but it´s so strange to hear it from Mrs Patmore I know how Alfred must feel when someone says him he´s handsome. It´s very rare.

„I´ll try not to disappoint," I mumble and turn back to work. Daisy laughs and says goodbye to Mrs Patmore.

„She´s very funny, isn´t she?" Daisy asks me when she´s gone. I look at my friend and see sparklets of joy in her eyes.

„Yes, very funny." I say. „And I´ve never thought she´ll call me pretty."

„Well, that was probably your will to cook. You look irrestistible with eggs in hair." She laughs.

„What?" I say in fear and touch my hair. The golden wave above my forehead is not as perfect as usual, because I spent two sleepless nights, but I can´t find any sign of eggs in it.

„Nothing," Daisy almost suffocates with laughter, I see tears in eyes. I see I´ve been tricked but I don´t mind. I laugh with her and for a while I feel good. I don´t usually let anybody make fun of me, but I can´t blame Daisy.

„You know, you´re so cute when you´re vain, Jimmy. I couldn´t help it." She says after she overcomes the wave of mad laughter.

„I´m glad I made you so happy," I say as if I was insulted but I smile.

„And now, back to work." She calls and turns back to peeling of potatoes.

„As you order, Mrs Mason," I grin but I see it wasn´t right. „I´m sorry, Daisy." I add quickly but the damage is already done. She looks at her hands but even though I can see her pain.

„It´s okay. I just can´t help feeling guilty when I think about him. I was so bad to him. And he still loved me – he loved me so much he wanted to marry me when he knew he was going to die just to make me a war widow and get me some money I don´t need. He was so good to me and I didn´t realize it. And when I did, it was too late. Why was I so stupid?" She doesn´t look at me. I don´t wait and take her into arms, hiding her. I´m not tall, but she´s so tiny I seem to be much taller. She leans against my chest.

„You know, sometimes I wonder if something would change if I realized I loved him, sooner. Maybe he´d be alive, maybe I´d have two children, maybe I would never meet you. Who knows?" She sobs, hiding it in the fabric of my shirt.

„I know it´s childish, but sometimes I wonder and hope. I wish I could turn back time and act differently. And I will never forgive myself."

„I don´t say you should forgive yourself, if you don´t feel you´re ready to admit it wasn´t your fault, and I don´t say you should forget him or who he was, how he loved you, but you have to move forward. You can´t think of all the ifs or whens in your life. It happened and now you have to admit it." I know I´m a childish pathetic boy, but what I say is true.

„I know. But it still hurts. I see him in front of me, I see what I could have had." She pulls away from me. „But as you said, I have to move. Now I have you and I have to be here for you."

She stays silent for a long time. I don´t talk to her, I don´t want to disturb her when she surely thinks about things which are far away from me. But it makes me think too, and not about things I´d like to analyze.

„Do you know why I was so cold to you? In the beginning?" She says suddenly and I almost shriek with shock.

„Because of Alfred I suppose." I answer, concentrating on my work again.

„Well, I was attracted to him and I didn´t like how you… well, bullied him a bit, but it wasn´t the reason. Of course everybody thought it was this. But it wasn´t." She says and I wait for her to finish it.

„It was because of Thomas. It took me some time to realize he´d never love me, because I´m…well, a girl. I was in love with him for a long time. I did stupid things and I tried so desperately to catch his attention. And then you came and got his heart, effortlessly, just being yourself. The others might not notice, but I spent such a long time studying him I knew he was different. He was nicer, wiser and more honest. You couldn´t see the change, but I was astonished. And I envied you. I envied how you made him love you without trying."

I don´t know what to say. I knew Daisy fancied Thomas for a long time, but I didn´t know this.

„Now I see how stupid I was but back then I was jealous. I had realized Thomas will never like me more than as a friend before, but it still hurt. Then I saw something happened between you two, and also Alfred. You avoided Thomas for a long time. What was that?" She asks with interest, looking into my eyes and obviously trying not to look too eager.

„I´m not proud of this part of my life, but I suppose you should know." I say carefully.

„One night, Thomas came into my room in the night, because Ms O´Brien told him Alfred told her I told him I liked Thomas in the way I like him now. You have to understand it took me some time to admit to myself I do. But back then, I didn´t. But he didn´t know that and came to my room and kissed me. It might have ended differently, but in the moment Alfred stepped in. I had only few seconds to think and I chose to betray Thomas and what I had felt and kicked him from my room." I bow my head, avoiding her sight, because I feel all the shame and guilt I felt that night.

„When I realized I didn´t feel as I should have felt – which means I didn´t think it was disgusting to kiss Thomas. In fact I thought it was pleasant, and I was even more scared after that, because I started to realize I might be like Thomas. I hadn´t even thought I could be before that night, but since then, I couldn´t fight it. And I was scared and hated Thomas for making me feel like that, for waking it up in me. Of course it´s not his fault I am what I am, but I needed somebody to blame. But most of all, I was afraid someone might get to know I liked Thomas, because I knew that no matter how much I hated him, I had to admit I was attracted to him. Something was pulling me to him, and the more I tried to avoid him, the more I wanted him. When I realized what I have done, it was almost too late. Thomas was supposed to leave without reference and it was me who destroyed his life. But I couldn´t just come to Mr Carson and tell him: ´You should take Thomas back, because I think he´s attractive and I regret I destroyed his life when I was trying to save my own.´ You can´t even imagine how relieved I was when O´Brien told me to do it. It was reasonable and nobody would think I did it for myself when they knew I was her puppet in this." I start to peel potatoes because I feel I might whisk the eggs into bricks or something like that. I can´t look at Daisy, but I continue.

„You know the rest. We went to the fair and I did the most stupid thing ever. I got drunk, waving the money around and those two guys wanted their money back. Thomas was following me and sent me away, getting beaten instead of me. I should have felt weird to know he was following me, but I was glad. And I admired him for doing it, in my eyes it was the bravest thing a man can do - I was bad to him and he still saved me, being beaten terribly. I was ashamed I tried to avoid him and myself as well. I realized I can´t run away from who I am forever and there it was a good chance to start changing. From that moment, I became his friend, I started to respect him, like him. He was my best and only friend and I didn´t realize it, but I loved him. I thought he was my handsome friend and tried to convince myself it wasn´t wrong I thought he is hansome, because he is, isn´t he?" I suppose she nods. I don´t look at her, but I feel a bit strange about it. We both find Thomas attractive. Isn´t it odd? If it is, then I am weird, not her.

„Then I realized he was ill, I send him to lie down and when I saw him, helpless and weak in the bed, I couldn´t resist my heart anymore. I couldn´t deceive myself." I put the last potato into a pot and I don´t even know how did I manage to peel such a heap of it. I tidy it all and finally I turn to Daisy. She´s looking at me with pity and some other emotion in her eyes I can´t name.

„My poor Jimmy," she whispers and looks she has no idea what to say. „I feel so sorry for you."

„Don´t pity me." I smile and try to look more confident than I feel. „I have Thomas´ love now and that is the only thing that matters. And your friendship, of course."

„Well, I wasn´t too successful in diverting your thoughts from Thomas, was I?" She smiles bitterly.

„No you wasn´t, but I feel good. Surely much better than I would if I sat in my room, staring at the wall and worrying about him." I shrug and give her the potatoes to cut them. She hands me some herbs – it´s a whole bush – to chop.

„Well, I thought you´ll see Thomas in the hospital since you have time today while you´ll have to work tomorrow and the day after." She says, obviously a bit confused.

„If only it was so easy," I sigh.

„What´s the matter?" she asks. I´m absolutely fascinated how fast her hand moves to cut the potatoes. I wouldn´t want to be on their place.

„I can´t leave Downton. I asked Mrs Hughes for permission, but she said she has to obey Mr Carson´s orders." I answer and try to imitate her motions; not very successfully, I admit.

„What orders? God, Jimmy, you´re mysterious like Pythia." She frowns and puts the potatoes back to the pot, adds some water on them and salts them.

„I argued a bit with him. Or better say, I told him I think Thomas´ health is more important than pyjamas of all lords and ladies in the world, or something like that. You know he doesn´t like me or Thomas, and he really doesn´t approve love between us. I thought he was going to fire me, but fortunately Mrs Hughes made him change the decision and now I can´t leave Downton for a month. Normally, I wouldn´t mind it at all. I don´t really fancy going to the town and I thought I can always ask somebody to bring me something I´d need if it was neccessary. But I didn´t think about this possibility. That there would be something in the town nobody can bring me here." I chop the herbs with a passion, probably picturing them as my problems.

„Oh." Daisy says, not knowing what to add. Yes, it´s very odd.

„It was my fault, but I couldn´t help myself." I break the awkward silence.

„Well, I can go to the hospital and tell you how is Thomas doing." She smiles at me. „Stop, you´ll making a pulp of it!" She shrieks and takes the knife from my hand. I look at the green mess on the wooden plate and I have to admit it usually doesn´t look like that when Daisy chops it.

„I´m sorry," I apologize and step back from the table, not willing to cause more damage.

„It´s okay, I can use it. Anyway, I have an afternoon off tomorrow, so I can go visit Thomas." She says as if she was asking for my permission. Why? I might love Thomas and he might love me, but why would it mean she has to ask for permission to see him?

„Of course you can visit him, I´m sure he´d be delighted to see you." I answer expressionlessly, realizing I don´t have the luck to see my beloved.

„Not as delighted as he would be to see you," she mumbles and blushes. Why? I thought she wasn´t uncomfortable with our love.

„Maybe," I try to avoid this topic, „but he´ll understand it."

„Of course he will, and I should go there and tell him how much you miss him and care about him so he won´t think you left him." Her eyes are shining and I see that whatever the blush in her face meant, it´s gone.

„Thank you."

„And I will tell you how is he doing, if I´ll know it." She adds.

„That´s not neccessary." I object. She looks to be confused. „Look, I´m as smart as you. Don´t you really think I wouldn´t get an idea you will want to lie to me?"

„Why would I lie?" She seems to be genuinly confused, but I don´t believe it.

„Don´t pretend you are not going to tell me he´s fine, loves me and misses me." I say sharply, maybe too discourteously.

„And isn´t it what you want to hear?!" She cries, hurt by my words.

„Yes and no. I want to hear it, but not if it is not true." I frown.

„Don´t you trust me? Not at all?" she asks and starts to wash the meat for dinner.

„Not in this case. Don´t get me wrong, but I suppose you´re too good to tell me the truth. You wouldn´t do it if it meant I would be sad." I say and try to calm her down.

„Well, I see the point. But I swear I´ll tell you the truth, no matter how bad it is." She turns back to me and I see in her eyes she´s not lying. Well, she can still change her mind when she sees Thomas and finds out it´s very bad, but it´s the best option I have.

„What can I lose?" I shrug. „I can either trust you and hope that you´ll keep your word or stay here in doubts and slowly go mad."

„Thanks for your trust," she says sarcastically.

„You´re welcome," I smile widely.

„Well I have almost everything done. Thanks for your help and I wish you were so hardworking even when everybody´s healthy."

„I don´t see it happening," I grin, „thanks for a charming afternoon."

„You´re stupid, Jimmy," she laughs.

But all the laughter, all the good mood and all the little happiness I felt with Daisy has disappeared. The only thing that remained is despair and worry. I can´t swallow anything during the supper, and I feel I could fall asleep during the way from servants´ hall to my room if I didn´t pay attention to opening eyes when I blink. Daisy and Mrs Hughes look at me with worry, Mr Carson frowns as usual, Ivy´s avoiding my sight and Alfred doesn´t seem to notice something´s wrong with me at all.

I help _Lord-his-name-I-almost-remember-now_ undress and I ask him about lady Mary and when he´s leaving, just to make myself busy because I can´t keep eyes open for a long time. It causes me physical pain to resist need for sleep.

„She´s a charming lady and her little boy is marvelous. Unfortunately I have to leave the day after tomorrow, I have some duties in London, however I don´t want to go there at all. Also because of you. I´ve seen they taken the under butler – Thomas?" he looks at me. I just nod, I can´t talk. „to the hospital. Why didn´t you tell me it was so bad with him?" I blink several times which is almost impossible, every motion of eyelids needs more effort, but I don´t want to cry.

„I didn´t want to bother you," I manage to say.

„You don´t bother me at all. I´m sorry I can´t be here with you, but I believe he´s getting better." He smiles at me, watching me carefully.

„If only I believed it too, m´lord," I whisper without any emotion. I can´t think, I can´t feel, I can´t do anything. I´m exhausted, physically and mentally I feel I´m not able to stand.

„You have to. Go to bed, sleep and you´ll see it will be better in the morning." He smiles and turns from me.

„Thank you. Good night, m´lord." I whisper, repeating sentence I know by heart, not realizing its meaning at all.

I grab the railing when I go downstairs, half walking, half sliding on it, without knowing where I go. It´s very hard to stay awake and when I finally reach the floor with our rooms, I have to bite my lip to wake myself enough to remember which part of the corridor is men´s. I open the door and practically break the door handle. I find some door, open it, not caring whose room it is because I don´t have enough strenght and fall into the bed, without undressing, only able to take the shoes and jacket off, because they are pretty uncomfortable, but I´m doing it more asleep than awake. I hide myself under the blanket and fall asleep in a minute.


	12. Suffering, longing and unvevitable

_**Thank you all for your kind reviews, it makes me want to write faster. :) This chapter is a bit longer than usual and it was supposed to be longer, but I decided to do it like this. I hope you enjoy it. :) Reviews will be very appreciated.**_

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„James! James! Wake up! Immediately!"

My head aches and I don´t feel like waking up at all. I´d sleep for next week if I could. But when I think about it deeply I realize the voice, which woke me up, belongs to nobody else but Mr Carson. I open eyes, rub them and search for the butler. I hide a yawn with my hand and sit up. When I look around, I recognize the room, but it´s not mine.

„I´m sure you can explain why you are here." I´ve never seen Mr Carson in such a rage, I´ve never seen him so furious. What have I done? I have to close eyes for a while again and try to find out what Mr Carson meant by saying ´here´. I´m really puzzled, barely remembering my name. I´ve never said I´m waking up easily and after two nights without sleep it´s even worse. After a while I remember the bed I lie in, is Thomas´. How did I appear in here, for god´s sake?

„I´m afraid I can´t." I whisper, trying to remember, why I lie in the under butler´s bed without him. It doesn´t make sense. I know it would be worse if he was here with me, but at least I would know what the hell I am doing here.

„Don´t make me try to sort it out." He shakes with anger. For the first time I notice Alfred standing behind the butler, looking at me with fear and misunderstanding. I suppose I seem loathful to them, to these two who think Thomas – and I, but they don´t know about it yet – are some terrible jokes of nature.

„I was exhausted last night, Mr Carson. I came downstairs and I suppose I just came to the first room I could find." I say.

„I would like to inform you your room is closer to the door and on the other side of the corridor." Mr Carson says and I can´t help – I must smirk. As if I needed to hear that!

„I know where my room is, I just couldn´t find it." I answer and stand up, because it´s a bit strange to talk to him when I´m sitting in the bed.

„I see. It probably went to have a pint of beer with some other room, didn´t it?" I kneel down on one knee, putting my shoes on and trying to hide my laughter. Carson made a joke! Unbelieveable!

„Alfred, may I know what are you still doing here?" He turns to the ginger who looks terrified. I grin when I see him like that. I suppose he even has nightmares about Mr Carson. If they aren´t dreams, of course. Dreams in which they are together in the way I and Thomas… It´s so impossible to imagine I have to bite my lip to kill the wave of laughter in my chest. What´s that? Have I gone mad?

„You-you didn´t send me-me away, Mr Carson." Alfred stammers.

„So you´re standing here even though you´re useless while somewhere else is work which waits for you to do it. How charming!" Alfred disappears without a word. I don´t blame him. This would scare even a braver person than him.

„And now, about you, James – you don´t want to go upstairs in the clothes you slept in, do you?" If I wasn´t scared to death, I´d laugh because he looks very ridiculous.

„I don´t, Mr Carson," I say, bow my head and try to look contritive.

„Very well. I hope you understand I can´t let you be the first footman any longer. You will stay a valet of lord Cartwright while he is here so he won´t have to get used to Alfred, but since now you´re losing your position. I hope you will think about what you have done. This… situation can be seen as very inappropriate, I believe you understand. And don´t you dare do anything wrong again, James. You´ve done enough stupid things in last week." He doesn´t let me object and leaves me. I don´t feel like I slept the whole night. I´m tired and lie on the bed again, just for a while. I didn´t do so much, did I?

I´ve been working hard for the whole morning, not letting myself think about anything and trying not to fall asleep. And avoiding Mr Carson as well. I supposed Alfred was going to laugh at me or tell me I´m stupid, but he didn´t. In fact he didn´t comment it at all, but I caught him when he was staring at me with interest and worry several times. I try not to think about what is going through his mind.

By lunch time, I come to the kitchen to take the food upstairs. I try to find it myself, because Daisy talks to Mrs Patmore and I don´t want to talk to Ivy at all, but I don´t manage to find it. I realize I´m no longer the first footman so I can leave Alfred to do this, but I don´t care. I want to wait for Daisy to finish her speech when I hear what she´s talking about. I wait in the part of kitchen when they can´t see me.

„Village, you say? I don´t see any problem, but you have to be back before six o´clock, Ivy´s not able to prepare that soup and I still don´t feel comfortable with having footmen in the kitchen even though Alfred is undoubtedly handy when it comes to cooking. What are you going to do in there? See some man?" Mrs Patmore say with her usual directness. It´s very easy for me to imagine blush in Daisy´s face.

„No!" she says, maybe too quickly. „Well, actually, I´m going to see Thomas, so yes, I´m going to see a man but not in the way you thought." She answers and I feel bad for feeling amused when I hear her embarassment.

„Is James coming with you? I thought he doesn´t have time off today." Mrs Patmore continues in her interrogation.

„He doesn´t. But he can´t leave Downton for a month. Actually I´m coming to see Thomas and say Jimmy how he´s doing." Daisy answers.

„And to lie to him if it is too bad." Mrs Patmore adds. I find it funny that she thinks the same about it as I did.

„No. I won´t lie to him. It wouldn´t be right and he´s my friend." Daisy objects. Maybe she saw me but I suppose she´s honest. She´s really telling me the truth, no matter how terrible it is. For a moment, I wish she was going to lie to me, because I´m scared to hear what I might hear.

„You were always wanting to tell the truth to boys who wanted to believe anything but the truth." Mrs Patmore says. I don´t understand any word of what she says, but I suppose I´m not the one to know that. „I just hope you´ll see if the lie is not better than the truth, like you did before."

„I won´t lie to Jimmy, Mrs Patmore." Daisy says firmly. „When I lied to William, it was just for few hours and it helped him leave the world in peace and happy. But Jimmy would find out I lied to him. I don´t want that. Moreover," she makes a pause, „there doesn´t have to be any need to lie."

„Of course. Well, you can go to the village, if you want." The cook ends and comes to the part of the kitchen where I am. I pretend I just came and ask her where the lunch is. She points at some bowls and I call Alfred to help me. Even though now it´s actually him to order to me; but I´m not the right person to explain him his new position.

I´m sitting in the servants´ hall pretending I´m reading a book, but I can´t concentrate on the words at all. They are flowing in front of my eyes as if they were in a water and I gave up any effort to see any meaning in them. Instead, I can´t stop looking at the clock on the wall and at the door, where I expect Daisy to come. She´s not away for a long time, but it seems like eternity to me.

Finally, I hear the door opening, filling the house with sound of rain, the noise of an umbrella which is being folded, quick greetings and finally, she´s standing in front of me.

I look at my new best friend – because Thomas is far over just best friend, he´s my life, my everything – see the water pouring from her coat and her wet legs, but the most I care about her face. She promised me she won´t lie, and if I can say what she thinks just looking at her face, it´s not good. But maybe it´s just the weather.

„Hello," she says and I can´t find out what´s in her voice.

„Hello," I greet her and stand up quickly. I come to her and take the coat from her. I take it to the hall because it would make a mess everywhere and I come back to her in a while. In the meantime, she put a chair in front of the fireplace, enjoying the heat and looking into the flames in fascination. I take another chair and sit beside her. For a while we´re sitting silently. I´ve been waiting for her with impatience, but now, when she´s here, with all the information I want and yet don´t want to hear, I can´t start talking about it.

„The weather is awful," I start and for a while, I can´t understand what the hell I say.

„Yes, it´s not nice," she admits, „Jimmy, do you want to hear it? I know I promised to tell you the truth, but are you sure you want to hear it?" _NO, no I don´t. That´s the last thing I want! Just lie to me, please!_

„Well, I already know it´s bad," I whisper and my voice breaks.

„Well then," she sighs and takes my hand into hers. She doesn´t look into my eyes, just plays with my long fingers. I suppose it calms her down, but it´s torturing.

„When I came to the hospital, the doctor didn´t even want to let me see Thomas. He said it was too dangerous, his illness is very serious and stuff like that, but I said I insisted on it and that I had promised to tell you how is Thomas and he just shrugged and said something like: It´s your health. So he led me to Thomas and…" her voice breaks. I don´t want to, but I feel I squeezed her hand more than I should.

„Jimmy how could you stand it before? He was so weak, so tiny, so invisible! It was terrible. I sat beside him, but he was asleep and I didn´t want to wake him up since I know how much sleep can be useful. I held his hand and watched him for a while, but I couldn´t stand it for a long time." She rises head to look at me, probably to see if I despise her or if I am angry. I manage to smile, because of her. Inside, I feel like fire burnt me from inside and everything in me died, like I´m only an empty box containing the misery what was once called life.

„I understand you, Daisy. Did doctor say anything?" I ask and try to sound normal.

„Well, he said me I shouln´t tell it to you, but I don´t think it´s right. You just have to promise you won´t tell him I didn´t keep my word." She blushes a bit when she wants to do something forbidden. I feel my heart beating faster. I will finally know how bad it is with Thomas. I don´t want to, I want to stay in my childish ignorance. But I feel I have to mature.

„I promise," I say and I know I can´t take it back.

„The doctor says it´s pneumonia, most probably. It might be tuberculosis as well, but he says pneumonia is more probable. It can be treated, but we don´t exactly know how. Problem is, that it´s very late. Thomas was hiding it for a long time and doctor says it already infected his lungs or something like that. I don´t understand much of it. But he´s worried." She adds. „If I understood, it depends on Thomas´ will to live and luck if he gets better or not." _Or not._ The words are resonating through my whole being, I realise their meaning very sharply.

She probably waits for some reaction, she surely expects it, but I´m not able to talk. I can´t see her, I don´t want to. In my mind, I´m back in Thomas´ room, in the moment he told me he loved me and everything was great and beautiul. I remember his touches, his kiss, his words, his body, every motion he has ever done, everything we´ve experienced. I bow my head and try not to cry. But it overwhelms me. I´m so scared and so tired that all the hope I felt has melted and disappeared and only the despair and fear remained. I hear some noise, but I don´t care about it. I feel gentle fingers on my cheek and for a little while I hope Thomas is back and everything was just one terrible nightmare. But these fingers are too small. Too feminine…

„Jimmy, I shoudn´t have told you." She cries. „I didn´t know what it will do with you. I´m so sorry, so terribly sorry, can you ever forgive me?"

I want to answer her, I know I should, but I can´t. She´s kneeling down on the floor and I know I shouldn´t let her. But I don´t care, I´m not able to care. Everything has gone and I´m only breathing because I can´t find enough strength to stop it.

„Jimmy? You look quite pale, should I help you somehow? Bring you a glass of water or something?" Daisy asks and I know I can´t overlook her any longer. I don´t know if I want to be alone or not. On one hand I feel I have to think about something, but on the other hand, I´m frightened just when I think of being alone, just with my fear.

„No, it´s okay, thank you. I just… have to go to work again. The dinner is starting in a minute. Thank you for yur information." I say but I can hear how dishonest I sound when I say ´it´s okay´.

„If you want to talk, you can talk to me. You know it, right?" She adds and stands up.

„I know, thank you, Daisy," And I leave her with these words, because I can´t let her see me crying.

When I wake up the next morning, I feel even worse. I shouldn´t have slept, it only made everything worse. I couldn´t sleep, I was waking up the whole night because of nightmares. Finally I give it up, curl into a ball, embrace my knees with arms and try not to cry. I´ve cried enough; I don´t even feel there are any tears to come. I´m sitting on my bed, leaning against the wall and breathing deeply, eyes closed. I feel exhausted like I´ve never felt before and still I can´t sleep.

How am I supposed to stand this? When I could see Thomas in every moment I wanted, it was a bit better. Of course, I saw how bad he felt and I was miserable as well, but it was nothing compared to how I feel now. Because back then, I had the possibility to see him, at least, and I knew what was the matter with him. No I have no idea if he´s better or worse and I feel like it´s going to kill me. I have no idea what to do, he might be much better and he might be much worse.

And I don´t want to choose. I don´t want to believe when everything I dream about may be spoilt in one moment. The uncertainty is killing me and I can´t stand it any longer. I know Daisy will want to help me, but there is nothing she could do. I have to see Thomas, otherwise I´m going to die. I feel. I know I´m overreacting, but I can´t really help it.

I´ve decided. I can´t bear this any longer. I´ve spent the whole day in fear, every sound of opening door seemed to me to be the doctor, carrying some news – good or bad. Daisy was trying hard to cheer me up and Mrs Hughes was giving me as many duties as she could think about and I´m grateful, but it´s not a solution, not really. It´s like glasses for a person who is going blind. It helps for a while, but nobody can expect he will get better. And I think I´m going mad, insane, if I don´t see Thomas. I can´t stand this inactivity, it´s torturing me and in the evening I finally feel I´m not able to stay here.

Problem is how to get to Thomas. In my mind I already see a way, but I don´t know if I want to step on it. I have to try the peaceful solution at first, I can always do the worst. Because I know once I do something wrong, there is no way back.

„Mrs Hughes?" I knock on the door to her office. It´s open, but I want to give her time to hide everything she wants to.

„Yes, James?" she calls back, „come in."

„I wanted to ask," I come inside and notice she´s not looking at me, what angers me a bit. I´m deciding about my fate so she can spare me few minutes, for God´s sake!

„Yes?" she rises head when she finds out I won´t talk without her paying attention to me.

„Can´t I go and visit Thomas? In the night, I won´t take my day off. Mr Carson doesn´t have to know it about me. Please," I beg her with my eyes, crossing fingers behind my back.

„Of course you can´t. What would you do there in the night?" She asks in bewilderment. Then she probably realizes who I am and what I want and smiles a bit, but it angers me even more_. I know you´re stupid, Jimmy. Don´t you want a cuddle? Or a pacifier? You poor child._ I can´t stand this. She seems to care about me, but she doesn´t want to allow me the only thing which can help me. People are so cruel!

„I can´t go there during the day, so I thought night will be more suitable." I say and I´m surprised how calm my voice sounds. Because inside I´m shaking, boiling with rage. „So I don´t have the permission?" I ask coldly.

„No, you don´t." She answers and probably tries to figure out what changed me. You will never know this! Maybe I´m paranoid, but maybe she´s just Carson´s spy and is supposed to find out as much information about me as possible.

„Well then. Good night, Mrs Hughes." I say and I don´t wait for her answer and leave the room. I don´t know why I acted like this – I will only be suspect. But I had to.

Now I know it´s unevitable. I have to leave Downton, to give up this all, the job I like – even though everybody thinks I don´t – and Thomas when he returns back. But I have to, for this moment of doubts, I have to be with him. My job here doesn´t matter, nothing matters compared to Thomas. I have to leave and go to be his friend, his lover or a nurse, whatever he needs. I just have to be there for him. I know it´s just a phrase, something I use to defend myself and what I want to do, but I don´t care.

But before I leave, I have to say goodbye to Daisy, because I owe it to her, she has to know I liked her and I appreciated every piece of help she gave me. She´s my friend and I´m sure she will understand, I hope she´ll forgive me. I hope she´ll see I´m doing it for love.

I look to the kitchen to find out if Ivy´s not there, but right in the time she passes me, followed by Alfred and she´s giggling as if my world wasn´t being torn into pieces right now. I feel an urge to slap her because she´s really stupid in her joy and awful, but I don´t want to lose time because of Ivy. I don´t pay her attention and pretend I don´t see Alfred. I´m afraid Daisy won´t be in a good mood.

I find her sitting on the table. I´ve never seen her do this before, it seems to destroy the trimness of the kitchen which has always been clean, everything on its place and the cook polishing the yet flawless desktop. But now, when I see Daisy sitting on the table, elbows leaning against thighs, face in hands and a long forelock falling down from her usually perfect hair style. This all, with the misery in my heart, constrains me to leave, but I know I can´t. If only because of her. She was here for me and now I must be a support for her, even though I feel miserable myself. And suddenly, I can feel my life has a meaning – maybe just a little one and for few moments, but it´s still better than it was before.

„Daisy? May I come in?" I ask silently, giving her possibility to send me away – what I don´t want to – or to wipe her tears if she wants.

„Sure." She says and I hear her voice is trembling a bit. I come closer to her and she puts her hands on knees, but still sitting on the table. I don´t feel comfortable when I sit down beside her, because I´m very afraid of Mrs Patmore – I would never admit it, but she really scares me sometimes – but I try to ignore it. I take Daisy in my arms and she hides herself there, resting on my chest, unreservedly.

„What´s the matter with you?" I whisper. I know it might look bad if somebody stepped in – like Mr Carson – but I don´t care, because for me it´s not more, not less than a friendship.

„I just feel so lonely," she sobs.

„Lonely? Why?" I ask before I think about it. Then I recall Alfred with Ivy and everything seems to be clear. „He´s not worth it. I feel sorry for you, but he´s an idiot and you shouldn´t be sad because of him, he doesn´t deserve it."

„It´s not because of Alfred, even though he made me think about this." Daisy says. I know she´ll tell me, so I wait for her.

„I don´t really mind that he´s with Ivy. Yes, it hurts, but I haven´t experienced it for the first time and if I don´t consider how stupid she is, she´s not that bad. Don´t object!" She cries when I want to say something.

„She´s been bad to you, but she didn´t realise it, she´s just not the smartest person who has ever lived. But she´s nice. The problem is that I feel lonely. Everybody seems to have his soulmate – everybody except miss O´Brien, but her best mate and only love is herself so she can´t be counted – while I´m alone. No, it´s true. Mr Bates and Anna – you haven´t seen how much they´ve gone through. Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes – it´s not a real relationship, I suppose, but there´s something between them. Mrs Patmore and her cooking. Now Alfred and Ivy – she´ll need some time, but I´m sure she´ll open eyes at last. And you and Thomas. And then there´s me. I don´t know if I belong somewhere and I feel lonely. And I wonder… Is it my punishment for being so bad to William?" her voice is thin and silent.

„This is non-sense. I wasn´t there, but from what you´ve said, I think you were nice to William. He could die happy because of you. Do you think that´s not enough?" I ask and hold her tightly; she seems she´s going to cry.

„He wouldn´t die if I was nicer. He wouldn´t to go to the war. He… I think he went there to prove me he´s a hero, to make me admire him." I don´t know what to say. I can´t deny it has sense. I didn´ know him so I don´t know the circumstaces, but it´s not completely improbable. But it doesn´t matter. I have to convince Daisy it wasn´t her fault and it doesn´t seem to be an easy job.

„You can´t know that. And you mustn´t blame yourself. I know it´s hard, but it´s over. You won´t help him if you blame yourself. Okay?" I smile and I realize how weird this situation is.

„Okay." She pulls away from me. „But why did you come? I´m sure it wasn´t because you had a suspicion I feel miserable."

„No, I didn´t," I admit and look away from her. „I wanted to say good bye because you won´t probably see me again and if you do, it would be just for a little while." I say mysteriously and I know she doesn´t understand a word of what I´ve just said. But I wait for her: „What?"

„I´m going to do something what is moral and right and what I need and have to do, but it´s against Mr Carson´s orders and I´m doing it because I´m in fact breaking the law." I explain – or rather make it even more confusing. I stare on my hands in my lap, I watch my fingers crossing one another.

„Am I supposed to suddenly gain a prophetic ability or what?" Daisy asks. I´m glad she´s not trying to look into my eyes. It´s even hard to tell my knees. I don´t exactly know why, but it´s not coming through my lips easily.

„I´m going to run off. I can´t be without Thomas anymore, I have to see him, I have to be with him and do what he needs. I will have big troubles when Mr Carson finds out, but I don´t care." I manage to say. For a while she´s silent I´m afraid she´s left. I turn to her and see her.

Her face is full of emotions and they are very different, I see sadness and emotion, anger and tenderness and no matter how much I try, I can´t understand the meaning of her expression. At last I give up and just hope she´s not angry.

„I see." She speaks after quite a long time. „I appreciate you came to say good bye."

„I didn´t want to leave without it," I know, very intelligent.

„So I´m losing you as well. Well, what did I expect?" Daisy says coldly and even though she tries to look calm I see she´s not.

„I don´t want to leave you, Daisy. That´s not fair. I feel pretty bad myself, I don´t need you to remind me of it. I don´t want to leave, Downton or you, but I can´t stay here and do nothing when Thomas needs me. I don´t believe you wouldn´t approve me to go to the hospital." I say, hurt and I know I raised my voice a bit. But it upset me. She´s not that heartless.

„I´m sorry, Jimmy. I´m very sorry. I´ve been stupid, forgive me, please." She takes my hands into hers. „I just… I know it was stupid but I couldn´t help it. I feel like everybody´s running away from me as if I was some kind of insect or something loathful so everybody runs away from me."

„Of course I forgive you. But don´t make it worse for me, please. I´m torn into pieces and I know I would stay here if you tried to convince me – I don´t want you to. I have to go to see Thomas but I feel I would stay here, in safety, if you told me to." I think about the rest of what she´s said. That´s so ridiculous I wouldn´t believe she said it if I didn´t hear it myself.

„You´re a beautiful person, Daisy. You are. Don´t you ever think anything else. I´m not leaving you and I feel bad for choosing between you and Thomas."

„No. I´m sure that what you want to do is right. It´s dangerous and not allowed, but it´s more than that, you do it for Thomas and that´s what matters. I´m sorry it has to be this way, but maybe you will be allowed to stay here. Don´t give up. Anything." She smiles. „But you should express differently if you want Thomas to have the will to live when he sees you. You look terrible." She grins. „I would rather pretend I´m ill just to avoid the sight of you." She doesn´t comment my last sentences, but I see she´s smiling a bit so maybe it was good when I said it.

„Very funny," I utter sarcastically but I feel the corners of my mouth rising.

„Jimmy. I believe everything´s going to be fine, I believe it." In her eyes and her voice I see she doesn´t. „We´ll see ourselves, okay? Do you want some food?" I smile.

„You´re too young to act like a good granny, but it would be great." I grin. She jumps down from the table and I leave it too, relieved. She finds some carrot and peels it, then spreads a slice of bread with butter and hides it into a napkin.

„Don´t let anybody see it," she orders and gives it to me.

„Thank you. Good bye," I smile and try to convince myself I´m going to see her again.

„See you later. Keep an eye on Thomas and be careful. Don´t do anything stupid so it would be worse than it is now. Just… come back, okay? Both of you." She hugs me which surprises me. I return the embrace and I try not to cry, because it reminds me of my leave-taking with Thomas. No. I forbid myself to think about it, but I feel that no matter what the result will be like, my life won´t be the same as it was. I just have to hope and try to believe it will be the best option and not the one I see when I close eyes.


	13. Heavy rain, finiteness and reunion

_**Again, thanks a lot for your reviews. It´s very kind. I hope you enjoy this philosophical chapter and that you won´t kill me for cutting the thing you all wanted to read. but it will be in the next chapter, I promise.**_

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I hate the whole world. Everything seems to plot against me in evil effort to keep me from Thomas. My superiors, poeple who built Downton, weather. Why did they want their house with such big gardens and parks and so far from the village? It may have a sense, but I don´t see it. The only thing I realise now is how far I am from Thomas and the longer I walk, the farther he seems to be. I don´t give up, even though everything in me shouts on me to turn back and run to safety, to Downton, to my warm, comfortable bed, to sleep, because my eyelids are heavy again. I have to bite my lip to stop these things and to wake myself up. I would never believe it´s possible to fall asleep while I go, but now it doesn´t sound so unimaginable. The only thing which keeps me awake is paradoxically the one which slows me down – heavy rain. If I thought the rain from which Daisy came back yesterday was bad, this one is so terrible it might cause floods. Raindrops are big and heavy, but surely faster than I´d presume. They´re falling to the ground in noisy concert, hitting it with rage, tirelessly following one another, the rain seems to have no end, every fallen raindrop is replaced by two new ones. I bow my face to shield it from water – at least as much as I can, because I´m already soaked wet – but I don´t stop. I walk faster, sometimes I even run.

Moon is hidden behind the clouds this night and everything is dark, just the water seems to sparkle in the invisible light, as if it had its own energy source. The drops are silver, puddles shine into the darkness and all this radiancy has its own beauty I would admire if I didn´t hurry so much. Instead, I turn face from it and concentrate on the path under my feet, on my shoes and their gleaming blackness. In this moment, I don´t realise where do I go and why; I just do one step following the previous one, not knowing where my destination lies, however suspecting I´ll recognize it when I reach it.

The way is longer than I presumed and I feel my legs hurt, protesting against every other motion and yet I know I have to continue, I haven´t reached the end of my journey. Sometimes I´m short of breath when I realise I was running for few minutes, in the next moment I find myself walking so slowly a sloth would be ashamed compared to me and I have to force myself to move forward. And yet, I finally reach the village.

I´m freezing and wet, my teeth chatter and I´m shivering so badly I wouldn´t be able to say anything without risking snapping my tongue away. And still, when I look around, I can feel some warmth running through my veins and some new energy, even though it´s as silent, dark and cold as the forest I just left. But there is something I desperately want and it´s near. I can feel Thomas right now, I know he´s somewhere here and hope is heating me from inside. No fire would be able to make me feel so warm. I walk through the streets, realising how close I´m to the hospital. And finally, I see it. It´s not a big house, but it´s beautiful. Would be. If I didn´t know Thomas is locked inside while I am out, standing in the rain, watching gargoyles spitting water on the ground, indifferently and derisively, as if they tried to show me how small and unimportant I am while they are here for some purpose. That I am useless because I just deceive myself when I say I can help Thomas, that I am childish and blind when I don´t realise it. That´s all these motionless gargoyles tell me, but it´s a long conversation, with pieces of stone which has seen a lot before me; more important, bigger things than one footman trying to fight his fate.

With a foggy mind and in that strange mood which young men feel before going to the war, the well-known mixture of fear, pride and expectations, I take the knocker in hand and hit the door several times. The sound reminds me of a passing-bell I used to hear when I was younger – so many years ago. I wait, streams of water flowing down my head and face. I wait patiently, even though normally I wouldn´t be so calm. This is not me. This night, the old, childish Jimmy has been replaced by his thoughtful, patient and wise twin, who has always been there, just needed this night, this rain which he felt was a cry of angels, weeping over his misery, to be awaken. And this Jimmy takes the knocker in hand again and hits the door once more, feeling like he´s counting someone´s time. Whose? What time? He doesn´t know and he still knocks.

And finally the angels have heard him – have heard me, because he and I are one for this strange night – and the door opens. There is somebody standing in the door, but it´s not who I pictured. It was supposed to be an angel, unearthly beautiful and powerful – so powerful I would want to disappear or to hug him, whatever he´d want me to. I would admire him, worship him, love him, give him my life. But this is not the angel. This is just a nurse.

„Can I help you?" She says coldly, frowning at me and water on the hood of my coat. She sounds so _earthly_ I can´t understand what I see. She shivers when a cold breeze embraces her. I would like to believe I managed to call this wind – I would believe it, today in this strange night – but I didn´t. I peer at her from under the hood, knowing she can´t see my eyes.

„I´m here to see my friend," I say and it scares me how cold my voice sounds. Minutes ago I was scared stiff, freezing and lost, but now – and I don´t know what has changed – I´m confident, cold and strange. I don´t recognize myself, I don´t recognize my words normal Jimmy would never say.

„We don´t accept visitors in the night. You should come tomorrow morning." She wants to shut the door, but I put one leg inside, not letting her to.

„I´m not a visitor. I´m here to see my friend, no matter if you want me to or not. I don´t suppose doctor Clarkson would be happy if he found out you didn´t want to let me in." I talk to the little gap between the door and doorframes, but it doesn´t matter. After few seconds she opens them a bit more, still keeping the distance between us.

„You are doctor´s friend?" she asks in fear. Normal Jimmy would deny it and got kicked onto the street. But this Jimmy, new and controled by this night´s charm, is not so impetuous.

„It could be said like that, yes. But I´m not here to see him, you don´t have to wake him up. But I´d like to see Thomas Barrow, the under butler of Downton Abbey." I´ve never talked so formally and registry before.

„Of course, as you wish, Mr…" She says and reminds me of Alfred when he talks to Mr Carson.

„And I would appreciate if you let me in so I wouldn´t need to get so wet in here." I say coldly, pretending I didn´t notice her hidden question about my name.

„Oh, yes, I´m sorry." She blushes and leads me inside. The heavy door closes behind me and I notice some strange feeling which has settled in my stomach and overspreads into my whole body. Some feeling, sense, of finiteness; that everything has an end, every candle once reaches the point in which it can´t burn anymore, the moment in which a man sees the meaning of life, of everything on earth, the short moment before he slips somewhere else where it doesn´t make sense to him, he doesn´t understand it, but it´s in him and he remembers it for the other crazy moment, blink, which is called life to remember it in that moment, at the end. This all attacks me from every brick, every molecule of the air in here. This is a powerful place. Not everybody may notice but in some moments, like in today´s rainy, magical night, it can be felt, seen and noticed. And I´ve never felt such a strength of a place, nothing has affected me as much as this hall of a hospital.

„My name is Jacqueline. I´m sorry for being so nasty to you, but you have to understand I´m here alone just with three ill people and you came in the middle of the night, I was afraid. You know, handsome men are always the worst thugs." She giggles. I just nod, overlook her compliment or her name, I don´t tell her my own because it doesn´t matter. She walks through the hall until she reaches the very end and silently open the door. She steps inside and I follow her. The closer to Thomas I am, the less calm I am. The old, childish Jimmy woke up and started to fidget inside of the new one, cold, steady and calm. I see one person on a bed, but I see a long wave of golden hair which shines in a lightning. It´s new. I haven´t heard the thunder so it is probably very far away, but I feel the thunderstorm is unevitable to come. I turn away from the sleeping girl in the bed, her body is very tiny, cheekbones very significant in her round face. I have seen her for a litte while in a lightning flash but I feel I will remember her face until I´m dead. In the moment, in one beat of heart I feel I can see my life. I can almost reach it, I´m trying to catch it, but in a while it´s over and I´m no closer to see my fate. I follow the nurse, who leads me to the other side of a big room. In the corner, there is some white tent. At least it looks like it. Its whiteness glares into the darkness of the room and I feel frightened. Cold fear takes me into it´s clutches and doesn´t let me escape. It´s the same coldness I felt outside and I feel the new confident part of me is gradually leaving me. It´s disappearing, returning back to the night to encourage somebody else. And I´m back, I, the little scared Jimmy, suddenly naked in his feelings, exposed to everybody. And I´m freezing again; now it´s coming from inside, not out.

„Here he is. I hope you´re not weak, because… well, I´ve seen worse, but I´ve never seen such a desperate person. Please, be quiet, he´s sleeping now. He didn´t fall asleep since yesterday morning. He had a high fever and probably had some hallucination, because he was shouting something about somebody called Jamie or something like that and he sounded so desperate and frightened my friend had to go home because she couldn´t stand it. He was screaming he loved her and it looked like somebody was taking her from him. It would be nice if she came to see him, I´m sure it would help." She says, she actually doesn´t seem she´ll ever stop talking, but I don´t pay any attention to her. She doesn´t understand anything so even if Thomas screamed Jimmy which is a man´s name, she turned it to a more feminine version of it and probably presumed it was some nickname for Thomas´ girlfriend. But it wasn´t. Just the thought of Thomas crying my name in pain is terrible, but that he screamed he loved me, that is an agony. He must have been in terrible pain, lost in his nightmares and fever if he did it. He would never endanger me.

I feel empty and overfull, frosty and fervent in one, not able to choose one emotion. I just know this is overwhelming me and now, when I lost my rainy-night part, I can´t be so calm when I realise the feeling of an end in here. Because no matter how I wish I was wrong, I can´t help but feel the end is Thomas´. And I can´t allow that. No. He´s mine, I´m his; we are one. One can´t leave when the second is still here. It´s as simple as this.

„I don´t know anything about any girl he loves." I say truthfully, I don´t want to lie because I feel I wouldn´t be able to think about the lies so well they would have sense.

„May I see him?" I add. My voice leapes, but I hope she didn´t notice.

„Of course, if you´re already in. But not like this. He´s not in a condition to have a cold bath." She looks at my coat. I take it off and she points at some peg. I put it there, along with my jacket, which is as cold as the coat. The shirt is better, even though I feel it´s cold. I return back to her, but she shakes head.

„You´re still too wet. I´ll look for something you could change into."

„Thank you." Even though I can´t wait to see Thomas, I know she´s right, that what she says is reasonable. But I don´t care. I´m tempted to undress and lie beside Thomas to heat myself up, but I´m sure that´s not the best option. So I stand here, fingers unbuttoning my shirt effortlessly, without me really noticing it. I can´t think about something as casual as undressing. I´m just few feet from Thomas, from my love, from my life, from my second heart. I do few more steps towards his bed, fingers running through the cloth hiding him from me. So near, so close… I can feel him breathing, I hear him wheezing and even though it scares me, it seems to be the most beautiful sound I´ve ever heard. Now, when I´m near him again, I realise how much I missed Thomas in past two days. He´s so important, so essential for me I feel almost physical pain when I´m separated from him. I hate the cloth which keeps me from Thomas, I hate its whiteness and I feel I´d tear it into pieces if I could. I find the edge of it and pull the lobes of it to sides. I can´t wait any longer. I feel I´d die if I didn´t see Thomas, right now, in this moment when thick rain drums on the roof, the lightnings come closer and thunder starts to be heard. I look inside.

If I thought Thomas looked bad when I saw him last time, I have no words for how he looks now. His face is white like a snow, but it seems to be a bit green, but I hope I just imagine it, that it´s a combination of the light from street, my fear and imagination which works too much. And yet, I can´t ignore how tiny Thomas seems to be. He always looked strapping, strong and full of health, but now he´s just a little package of bones, skin and muscles. He looks so lifeless I want to scream. I know I can´t, so at least I shout inside. Suddenly I´m very afraid. In a moment I get kicked by something and I see that no matter what I try to think, I´m just deceiving myself because it has no sense. There is nothing I could do to help. In the blackest moment, in the most desperate blink of an eye I let the single thought slip away from me – nobody can help Thomas. He´s far beyond saving. Suddenly I want to slap myself for these thoughts and I would do it if I wasn´t afraid I would wake Thomas up.

„I got you something. It´s not much and I´m not sure it´ll fit you, but that´s the best I have." The nurse comes back to me, holding few pieces of clothing. It doesn´t seem to be a pretty clothes – I would never wear it if I didn´t have to – but now I take it from her, thank her and without waiting for her to leave I start to undress. I´m frightened by what Thomas looks like, but I´ve overcome the fear and despair, now I just feel urge to help him, need to be beside him. I even find some underwear so I change everything. I put my clothes on the peg and in dry clothes I´m ready to come closer to Thomas. I don´t want to sit on his bed because it might wake him up so I bring myself a chair. I sit down on it and take his hand into mine. It´s hot and wet, its surface rough and unfamiliar, Thomas´ right hand has always been smooth and comfortable. I notice they took him the glove from the other hand so I have the time to watch his injured hand again, but for the first time. He never let me look at it for a longer time, I suppose he´s ashamed of how he got the injury. When I asked him, he told me it was from war and that it´s not a pleasant sight and went away. I learnt not to ask because he always got upset when I did. But now nothing impedes me. I let the right hand and take his left into fingers, running my fingertips through the scars and healed wounds on his palm and back of the hand, imagining how it looked without these flaws on its beauty. Thomas always felt ashamed when I asked how he got the injury. Now I´m sure I wouldn´t despise him no matter what he has done. I can´t. For me he´s a hero and he would never be a coward in my eyes. He has been in the war! Why does he think I´d consider him as a coward?! I wasn´t in the war, I can´t really understand what it was about. So I´m nobody to blame Thomas. Moreover, I will never think he´s a coward when he went to the front. And his injury… it must have hurt. So why should he feel ashamed?

I place his hands back where they were. I try to overlook how pale Thomas is. I just enjoy his presence, that I´m here, near him again, and it calms me so much I finally feel I´d be able to fall asleep. I couldn´t sleep back at Downton, I felt empty. But here, when I can feel Thomas´ heart beat – a bit tired, but steady and familiar, greeting me – my eyes are closing and I can almost dream about better future. I´d love to lie beside Thomas, to feel his body pressed against mine, but I know I mustn´t, I have to look forward to this opportunity, later. Later, when everything is fine and we can finally be together, in a world where pneumonia doesn´t exist and it´s absolutely normal to love a man, in a world of dreams, where everything is possible…


	14. Happiness and cold air

_**I know the last chapter´s end wasn´t satisfying so here we are; the conversation between Jimmy and Thomas! :) Thanks in advance for reading and reviews, it´s very appreciated.**_

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„Jimmy?" I open eyes. Even though I feel sleepy, I´m perfectly awake when I hear this voice. This only, most beautiful voice, its familiar tune, the way it pronounces my name. In that moment I can´t imagine something might sound so beautiful, something might make so happy, something might make my heart beat faster like this voice. Because it´s his voice. It´s Thomas´. It´s the voice of my beloved, of my first love. I find my chest and arms resting on Thomas´ bed while I´m still sitting on the chair. I straighten out and feel a bit uncomfortable, but I don´t care. Because he´s here.

„Morning, Thomas." I feel my lips curling into smile, genuine smile full of happiness. Even though Thomas looks bad, when I watch him, look into his eyes, I can´t believe there may be something we won´t be able to overcome. No, our love is strong and unique and it can´t die.

„Do I dream about you? I´m scared. In every dream they take you from me." I see the fear he´s talking about in his eyes. What´s that? Were these the hallucinations the nurse was talking about?

„No, I´m here. Really." I reassure him, because he seems to be worried.

„Good. And what are you doing here?" He asks and tries to sit up. I stand up and help him because I see how much he suffers. I can´t watch that. I embrace him and for a while I´m shocked how thin he is. Then I overcome it and help Thomas sit, adjust the pillow behind his back and I sit down on the edge of his bed, because I can´t really stand being separated from him.

„I came to see you." I say and take his hands into mine. Both of them. He pulls the scarred one from me, but I take it back and let them rest on my palms. He doesn´t object again even though I feel his gaze on me.

„I thought you wasn´t allowed to." The room is not completely dark right now, but the dawn is still far away from us. Fortunately the nurse is sleeping and we have some time together. I feel an urgent desire for Thomas. I know he´s weak, but I´m overwhelmed with his presence, drugged by his beauty which is hidden under the cover of illness.

„I´m not." I reply and take his left hand closer to my face. I let him touch my cheek with two fingers. I see he´s in doubts to do it. Why? I feel such a tenderness towards him I think I know what a woman feels when she holds her child in arms. I feel I would die for him in a heartbeat if it meant he´d live while he wouldn´t if I did. My heart is overfull with love, I will never be able to give it all to him. I´ve never felt such an emotion before and I don´t think I´ll ever feel it again. It´s the charm of the moment, the gray gloom of the room, where everything is flooded with the fear of the thunderstorm outside, the thick rain and finally Thomas´ face, pale in the moonlight but beautiful because of the love burning inside of him. It´s the occasion, the opportunity to show love, to see unseen and hear unheard.

„You ran off because of me?" he asks and looks so ashamed so sad I want to hug him and love him forever after.

„Yes. I couldn´t stand it without you. It´s not Downton when you´re not there, it´s just a house I work in but I don´t feel anything when you´re not here. I love my work, but it´s nothing when you´re not here to show me something I can do to look more suitable for the job of the first footman than Alfred. I don´t see any sense in polishing of the silver when you´re not here to show me how many stains I left there. I don´t care about Downton when you´re not there." I kiss his right hand, I´m kissing it again and again because I can´t give him up.

„That was quite a speech," Thomas coughs. In that little moment my world breakes into milion pieces. This moment can´t be repared, it´s already damaged, everything´s over, nothing can wake the moment up again. I see Thomas is trembling, the wave of cough is destroying my little belief he might be alright. When I see him like that, I want to cry, I want to lose my memory and wake up when it´s over. He takes a handkerchief and hides his mouth in it. I know what´s going on. I turn from him, I can´t pass out, not now, not here. _Inhale, exhale, everything´s alright, it´s not that bad, I´m just overreacting, keep calm, keep calm. _

Finally I don´t hear anything so I turn back. Thomas is visibly weak, but much better than I already imagined him, covered in blood and dying. I fight the image back, Thomas is here, Thomas is alright. I am alright

„Oh Thomas, forgive me. I just can´t stand your suffering, I can´t see you suffer. Forgive me, please." I fall into Thomas´ arms, head resting on his shoulder. I embrace him and push him as close to me as possible. I hold him and it´s maybe too hard, I might clutch him too tightly, but I´m not able to realise, to think wisely. I hear Thomas´ heart beating but right now, when it´s just the ribcage between it and my ear, it doesn´t sound so fine. It´s rushing but it´s not that effortless hurry I feel when my heart beats faster. It´s exhausting and painful as if the brain has to force it to beat. And I hear some hissing when Thomas breathes in, his chest is moving so little I´m very afraid he´s not breathing at all.

„I don´t blame you," he whispers. He coughs a bit to clear his throat but it just frightens me. „How could I ever blame you?" Thomas´ hands are caressing my back and in a while I feel his cheek on the top of my head, he´s holding me like a little child and I´m the weak one, the child, once again. I hate it, but I can´t force myself to pull away from him. Maybe I´m selfish but I can´t give him up. I feel I have to be the weaker one, the one who needs comforting, sweet kisses and cuddling, Thomas is the strong, dark experienced man who is here to lead me in my blindness. And nothing can change it.

„I love you, Thomas. I wasn´t able to stand to be without you, I couldn´t. It was so painful, I felt I wasn´t complete, I was just a body without soul because the soul is you. How could you stand it when I hated you?" I whimper into Thomas´ neck, letting him do anything with me. His fingers stop on my back for a while, but then they start to move again.

„It was hard, but it wasn´t for the first time I was rejected. But it was painful I don´t deny it." I suppose he´s lost in his memories, remembering all the men who hurt him. I feel bad to be one of them. How could I be so bad to Thomas?! I´m sure it was too soon for me, maybe I would fall for him naturally and even sooner without that incident. I´ve never thought about Thomas loving other men. I suppose in my childish mind he was always a pure virgin, waiting for me all his life. It´s just now when I realise he might have loved others before me, that he´s probably more experienced than I thought. It´s such a strange idea I fight it, but it can´t be overcome, now it´s unevitable to ask. I have to know who else hurt Thomas.

„Wasn´t it? Who else but me has harmed you, Thomas?" I ask and pull away from him, just a little bit since I can´t leave him completely, but I have to see his face.

„It doesn´t matter now, Jimmy. It´s over, he´s gone and now you are here and that´s what matters. I heard you and Daisy became very close friends. I´m happy for you, I was afraid you will never find any real friend." I´m not stupid. I see that Thomas changed the topic because it was too painful for him. I´m just so ignorant! I should think about what I say before I do it, it would be much better. But I didn´t know it was so painful when it obviously happened many years ago. Thomas said „he". Just one man, many years and it´s still painful. I don´t want to think about it because I would feel even worse. I feel so young, so untouched by world´s cruelty. The only person I fell in love with has loved me ever since he met me. It´s unfair.

„Daisy is a very nice girl. I like her and she made the first day bearable for me. But I couldn´t be separated from you for too long." I see the love in Thomas´ eyes it overwhelms me and doesn´t let me to finish the sentence. I wanted to add Daisy has agreed I had to run off to him, but I couldn´t. I feel my throat is filled with sobs and no matter how much I blink, I can´t overcome the tears. They start to fall from my eyes; slowly at first, but faster and faster into floods on my cheeks.

„What´s the matter with you? Did I hurt you? Jimmy!" Thomas wipes off my face, catching the salty tears before they reach my chin.

„No, of course you didn´t, why do you think so?" I ask, swallowing the cry.

„Because you cry," he shows me one tear flowing down his finger

„I… it´s not you. Or it is you, but not that way. It´s tears of relief I have you back. I´m so happy to see you again." I let him hug me again and I feel so safe in his arms I don´t understand why I was so scared about him. Of course he´s alright. He has to be alright. He wouldn´t leave me here.

„You´re so sweet and lovely I´m sometimes worried if I deserve you." Thomas whispers. His breath is short and heavy, but I try to overlook it.

„Don´t you ever dare to say this again." I frown at him. „You have to kiss me now so I could forgive you." I say defiantly.

„Must I?" Thomas looks like he´s really disgusted with the idea; he looks so convincing I´m afraid it´s true.

„Uhm…Well you don´t have to, I thought it as a joke…" my voice breakes because I realise how painful it would be for me if he meant it. I would probably get ill right now.

„So did I, Jimmy." He laughs. It´s such a beautiful sound I´m forcing everything in me to pray for this moment to stay the same as it is. I don´t want him to cough. Not now when he laughs. „You won´t get rid of me so easily."

„I certainly hope so." I murmur and want to add something else, but I can´t. Not that I mind.

Thomas´ lips find mine and in a while I feel I´m complete. Because what else I need for life but Thomas? I need water, air, nutrients, but they seem to be unimportant beside Thomas. What is water for but forming the tears I cry when he´s away from me? What is air but the thing that fulfills our lungs to be able to breathe and speak? What is calcium but the thing that his bones consist of? What are all these elements but the blood keeping his heart beating? Nothing. Thomas is everything, everywhere and still I have to be very close to him to feel I´m really living. I don´t suppose anybody has ever kissed somebody like I kissed Thomas. I remember all famous lovers, tragic or happy, existing or fictional but they all seem to be pretty unimportant and unloving compared to me and Thomas. Nobody could ever feel such a strong love, no kiss could be like this one, no two souls could feel as united as ours. Because nobody could love like I love Thomas. That´s unimaginable. The emotion is boiling in me, making all my limbs soft and unuseful, burning me from inside and nothing really exists when Thomas is here. Because I love him. And he loves me.

„Jimmy, you´re so intoxicating," Thomas whispers and leans his forehead against mine.

„Not as much as you are." I kiss him again. I feel this is not right, it´s dangerous and not only because of Thomas´ illness, I´m not afraid of catching it. I feel that with Thomas I can stand anything. But if even he stopped controlling himself, I´m not allowed to spoil this moment.

„I love you." he exhales into the little gap between our lips.

„I know. I love you too, Thomas." I want to give up to him, I want anything, everything but I probably got enough happiness today. Thomas shuts eyes in pain and pulls away from me, embraces his chest to keep himself together and starts to cough. Now I see it´s different than it was before. That was just a little childish tiny cough compared to this. This is the reason why everybody is so worried. This is the cough of a person with lungs infected with pneumonia. This is a terrible, frightening cough.

I run to wake the nurse up. I don´t care that it´s night, she has to help Thomas. She has to! And while I run and try to find the right door, guilt is ringing in my head like a bell. _It´s my fault, my fault, my fault! _I´m insane, I don´t act reasonably. I can´t, I´m not able to. I can just hope this is not going to last because I barely remember my name. The more I realise Thomas´ suffering. I hear his cough, I can´t get rid of it, it´s resonating in my head, my chest hurts as if it was me who coughs. I´m opening many doors, unable to find the nurse. _Thomas, I have to save Thomas. He needs me. I hurt him._

„What the hell are you doing here?" the nurse cries in shock when I open the door of her room where she´s apparently just been dressing up.

„Thomas looks worse, I thought you might be intrested." I say sarcastically, unpatiently waiting for her to come. She walks to the biggest room in here and tells me she was in the nightgown and that it is inappropriate and some stuff like that. _Pretexts, pretexts, pretexts!_ Who cares?! Even if she was naked, shouldn´t she care about Thomas more?!

„Then you shouldn´t have changed if you mind somebody to see you in the nightgown!" I yell at her. In the moment she reaches Thomas so I stop shouting, I can do that later. Now I let her do what she thinks is right, even though it seems to be very very little. However, Thomas stops coughing and patiently lies down, curled into a ball. She takes some injection and I turn away. The needles remind me too much of the things they were putting into me when brother died; it was supposed to calm me down, but I felt even worse. I realise this probably helps Thomas, I don´t know what it is but surely not that strong opium they were giving me. Yes, I was calmer, but very tired and puzzled as well. Fortunately mother found that out very soon so I didn´t become addicted like many children did. I´m sure this is a medicine, not a drug like that. And that´s the only thing which keeps me away from Thomas, from breaking the needle and throwing it all away.

„Now you´re not that strong and fearless, are you?" She says and I know she´s talking to me.

„I´ve never said I´m strong and fearless." I reply harshly. I turn back to see she´s covering Thomas up with a blanket. How dares she?! How can she touch him when she rather dressed up instead of hepling him?! I want to kill her, to throttle her with my bare hands. I´m so jealous!

But I see Thomas´ sleepy eyes are smiling at me, he shakes head and I believe it´s to show ne to be patient.

„No. You just act like that." She says. I go farther from Thomas because I don´t want to cause more damage. I leave the room and she follows me.

„It doesn´t matter how I act, you should have been helping Thomas instead of changing your stupid clothes." I shout when I make sure the door is closed and Thomas can rest, like the two other patients.

„And you should have been acting differently if you wanted to stay here. And if I were you, I wouldn´t act like this… It might be dangerous. If wrong people found out how much you care about that man… I´m sure it wouldn´t be very pleasant for you." She´s calm, her face is motionless. How can she be so calm?!

„I have to care if you don´t!" I cry.

„I suppose you care too much to be a friend. Who do you think they would believe? A nurse or a footman who came here and forced her to let him in?" Her face is arrogant. How can anybody let this… creature to be a nurse?! I want to ask her if she´s threatening me, but I know I would look stupid. Of course she is.

„The footman. Why would they believe you?" I say and try to look as calm as she does.

„Because why would I lie? Why would that poor nurse who was scared stiff think up a story of a…fallen man? It doesn´t make sense." I see how contemptuously she said the words fallen man. I wouldn´t mind if she was insulting me. But she insulted Thomas as well. I can´t let her do that. „You know, once somebody says you´re…that, you can never get rid of it. No matter if it is true or not. How would your lord Grantham act if he found out he had this kind of a servant? What about all the ladies? Or other staff?" I´ve never felt very loyal to the family, but now I´m furious. How dare she say this. She doesn´t know lord Grantham at all!

„I suppose lord Grantham would think up a position he might give me just to make me stay." I say, remembering what happened to Thomas.

„What?" I´m afraid I didn´t say what she wanted to hear.

„Nothing. But somebody should tell you not to talk about things you know nothing about, such as lord Grantham´s itensions." I wish I was as confident as my words. Because inside I´m frightened.

„Anyway, I think it would be better if you left." She says, trying to find her lost certainty.

„I don´t suppose so," I say. I don´t usually mind I´m short, but now I would be glad if I was tall. Because she´s taller than me. It scares me.

„Unfortunately nobody cares about your thoughts." She says sharply. „Get out."

„As you wish. You´re probably bored when you want another patient here." I call over my shoulder and open the door. The rain hasn´t stopped yet, it´s just a bit lighter. I don´t care even if I´m freezing even now. I regret letting my warm coat in the hospital because it was surely more waterproof than this awful shirt that stupid nurse gave me. Never mind, I can´t return. I´m protesting and in that case it´s better when I am soaked with wet. However, I wish I could sit somewhere in warmth; somewhere near the fireplace, with Thomas or Daisy by my side. I wish I could return somewhere, but I can´t. I left Downton for Thomas and now I can´t even be with him.

I curl into a ball sitting on the highest stair, forehead resting on my knees and try not to cry. Because as much miserable I feel now I felt happy when I kissed Thomas. And the contrary between it is torturing.


	15. Unanswered questions

_**Thank you for your support again, it means a lot to me. I love you all. :)**_

* * *

„Oh my god, James, what are you doing here?" Doctor Clarkson hurries towards me which seems a bit funny but I appreciate his interest. It has stopped raining few hours ago, I haven´t been sitting in the rain for too long, even though I´m still cold because it´s not warm and I´m wet from the rain.

„Your nurse has thrown me out so I´ve been waiting here for your arrival. I hope you´ll let me in," I manage to say despite my chattering teeth.

„Of course I´ll let you. Go inside, I´ll say Jacqueline to cook you some tea and give you some dry clothes. And then you´ll explain to me why were you sitting there." He says, circumvents me and opens the door with big keys. I stand up but it´s quite uncomfortable, I spent too much time like a larva in a cocoon so my legs protest against any movement I want to do.

„Thank you, doctor. The clothes won´t be neccessary I suppose, these are the exact ones you wanted to give me. But I have my own clothes inside, I´m sure they´ll be dry by now." I say when I´m coming inside. The warmth embraces me and makes me feel I´m alright and loved. There can´t be any threat or danger, not when there is such a warm, nice hall. I smile

„So you´ve been here tonight?" Doctor asks, obviously confused.

„Yes, I´ve told you she´s thrown me out." I say and gesture to the nurse who stands few steps from us. Perfectly dressed. I just hope she didn´t overlook Thomas or any other of that patients she has here because of it.

„Good morning, doctor Clarkson," she says stiffly. It´s as sincere as if I said I loved her.

„Good morning, Jacqueline," the doctor says and obviously doesn´t know what to think about us. I don´t really care, I have to see Thomas. „Could you please tell me what´s going on?"

I wake up from the daze caused by lack of sleep and stress, this is important. What will she say? And who will the doctor believe, her or me? When I was talking to her I said me, of course, but I´m not that sure. He knows her better than me so he´ll believe her. Moreover she seems to be a very pleasant person. I hate these people. I hate when somebody pretends he´s somebody else. How am I supposed to fight with her? I have no chance. No.

„This man was very noisy and disturbed the patients. So I sent him away." She says plainly. Oh, it seems pretty easy like this. Yes, I did. But why?! Because she was dressing up. Dressing up! As if somebody cared about it, Thomas cares about her less than he cares about uprisings in south-eastern Asia, and the other two patients were asleep. But only we know that. Thomas was too puzzled to notice anything. And I see in her eyes she´s thinking about the same – that I can´t win.

„Is there anything you´d like to add, James?" The doctor turns to me. I try to return back into the reality, to remember why I am here, what do we talk about and who am I.

„Yes. Don´t send me away again, I won´t let you." I say and surprise myself because my voice is confident and resolute.

„I´m sure you can´t really stop me if I want to send you away." He says and I see wide, triumphant smile on her face. She hides it quickly, but I´ve seen it already. „But I don´t see any point in it. I´m sure you´ll do something we would all regret. So you can stay when you have time off. Shouldn´t you be at Downton now?"

„No, I have a permission to visit Thomas," I lie and try to look I´m sure with my answer.

„Really? That seems a bit unusual when I know Mr Carson, he has to lack the under butler and he let the first footman to leave?" Doctor thinks. Well, I don´t suppose I should tell him I´m not the first footman anymore. He´d ask more.

„Maybe he thought I was useless so he sent me here. I should have come now, but I wasn´t able to wait until morning." I´ve never said I don´t lie, but this one is so fragile and stupid I´m sure doctor Clarkson must see it. Because Carson wouldn´t let us go somewhere even if the family wasn´t in the house. He´s frightened when he thinks about the world outside Downton. It´s strange, but that´s it – he would never let me visit Thomas.

„Very well then." Doctor says and I smirk at the nurse who seems to be boiling with rage. What have I done to her? Why is she like this? „You can stay here but you have to respect Jacqueline or any other nurse who will come here. I won´t let you do any harm to any of the patients. Do you understand?"

„I do, doctor Clarkson," I say unpatiently and hope this nurse will soon go home.

* * *

I spend couple of hours just sitting beside Thomas and holding his hand, watching him sleep. It´s not bad, he´s very cute when he sleeps, just beautiful and childly innocent like people only in sleep can be. I don´t mind watching him at all, he´s beautiful.

I would be happy to just sit here like this. I would be, if he was breathing normally, slowly and easily, if his heart was beating as it should be. But he´s not. His breath is hard and ragged, he´s shaking, sometimes moaning or coughing while he sleeps, sometimes whispering or crying some words I usually don´t recognize, but I heard my name few times. It´s very heartbreaking, to hear my lover pronounce my name with such a pain, knowing he has some nightmares which probably include me. It hurts more than I thought it would.

I feel tired, exhausted, useless. Because who am I? I´m just deceiving myself. I can´t help Thomas, in fact I hurt him – he has nightmares about me leaving him or getting into trouble he can´t solve for me or something like that. His nightmares are about me – me leaving him, me being taken from him, me betraying him. At least I suppose; I don´t know that exactly. But he always cries my name with such a suffering in his voice it breaks me apart. I want to help him, to take his pain on me, to share it with him, I want to do anything which would help. And yet, I can´t. I wish I could, but it´s not possible. I´m weak, fragile, powerless little boy who needs somebody to guide him. And now? I don´t have anybody. Now it´s just me. And I have no idea what to do. I would do anything to bring Thomas back – my Thomas, my beloved Thomas, my beautiful, thoughtful, witty Thomas, my dark Thomas, the one I was a light of hope for. When I look at him and wish, pray, beg anybody who is willing to listen to let him here, I see the futility of it all. Whatever I do is neither bad, nor good; it´s just action, something I do, maybe to prove myself I am useful, that I help Thomas, but I can´t really affect the process of him getting cured – or the other, worse possibility I don´t want to even think about. I´m useless, unneccessary fool, unwanted and needless. What can I change? How can I affect Thomas´ fate? Who am I? Nobody, nothing.

I shake my head to get rid of these thoughts because I´m sure they are pointless. If I tried to sort out who I am, what I should do here – in the world – just in this moment, I wouldn´t help Thomas, I would just lose hope he´ll get better. Because he will. He can´t leave me, he shouldn´t, he mustn´t. No! No. Thomas can´t leave me. Even the idea is terrible; to live without him. Strange, just few months ago I wanted him to leave but now I need him. Back then I was unsure, I didn´t even think I might like Thomas – love Thomas – in the way I do now. I wasn´t able to accept it, it was too strong for me. But now I need him. Now when I lost it, I see how big hole is the one where his heart should lie. Now, when I lost it, I appreciate Thomas´ wit, his dark delight, his ability to make me laugh, because he always could to this. Now, when I don´t have these things that I was sure I have for eternity, are now flying away from me, slipping through my fingers and leaving me, heartbroken, damaged and hurt.

I run my fingers over Thomas´ right hand. I perceive every little movement of his fingers, any little flaw which would harm the perfection of his marble skin – marble like colour, and smooth as a marble. That´s what Thomas is – a marble. Beautiful, stunning, cold marble, not letting anybody to get inside easily, but maybe much prettier inside than out. I feel he let me inside, he has given me the chance to explore him, to understand him, to find out who he is. He let me into his heart and in a little moment I feel guilty, I feel terribly guilty, for not seeing the way before, because it was here for quite a long time. And I know it´s too late for coming back; I can´t go back, his heart won´t let me. And I worry if it´s not too late for trying to save him; maybe he´s too damaged to be mended. And if he is? Will he take me with him? Will he let me fall or pull me down to the depth of misery and sorrow? No, he won´t. Because no matter how bad he feels, I´m always the first – the only one and first one. And this makes it even more painful, that he might really leave.

Then I fight these thoughts again. This is pointless. I can´t give up. If Thomas breathes, I have to believe my happiness will come. Maybe. I hope so.

In the meantime the sun has risen and dried the ground, trees, the whole world and now just the freshness of the air reminds me of the heavy rain in the night. It´s gone, the birds are singing, flowers blossom, butterflies are fluttering in the air, their colorful, beautiful wings are hiding the ugliness and misery of the world under them. The day is clear and pure as a spring in the mountains, everything is beautiful and everything seems to be promising. Hope is breathing from the mouths of nature – the little blue swallow building a nest above a window, believing in innocence of the world, believing it can protect its brood from every harm awaiting it. Or the spider in the corner of the room, creating its net again and again, not knowing about heartless people who just come and destroy its work or kill it, because it believes life is good and fair. And that´s what I used to be, some day, but I´m not anymore because something has taken the mask of child ignorance away from me. Not now, when I see Thomas, being taken from me with me unable to stop it, not now when I see life is unfair and world is a terrible, inhospitable place. I can´t believe everything will be alright like I used to, because I know everything doesn´ have to be good – that´s what life is about.

And even though I hate life, I want to live even more. The more I realize life is not certain, that we can lose it at any time, the more I prize it. Now when I´m not sure how much time I have together with Thomas – because no matter how hard I try, I can´t get rid of the thought he might leave, leave, because I can´t think of the other word describing the fact – I appreciate every minute, every beat of the heart. I hold his hand and realise his pulse, his blood running through his veins, his life quaking under my fingers. And for a while, I´m safe. For a while I realise it might be alright.

I feel hungry, but I don´t want to leave Thomas. So I´m sitting here, knowing that as long as I am here, I won´t get anything. And moreover I feel the nurse wouldn´t give me anything, maybe just some rat poison or whatever; or just sat there eating something in front of me. I wouldn´t wonder. I just don´t know why she´s like that. I always thought nurses should be kind. Well, obviously they don´t.

I´ve spent here quite a lot of time, in silence, hidden behind the white cloth, protected from the coldness and cruelty of the world around. So when I hear a noise, I almost jump up in the air in surprise. It takes me some time to realise it was opening door. I let Thomas´ hand go, I let it lie on the blanket because I´m afraid to show any emotion, it wouldn´t be wise. So I just stare at his hand which is too pale, even paler than usually. As much as I wanted to hide it from me, I realise how cold my hand is when I don´t hold Thomas´. I can´t struggle it, I have to make sure it´s really that bad. I stand up and touch Thomas´ cheek and forehead. Hot. Too hot. I sit back and close eyes. I´m shaken. My belief is being torn to pieces once again. How am I suppose to hope when he´s so hot?

I want to cry but that´s the exact time in which somebody comes and puts the cloth to the side. I see it´s a nurse, but luckily not the one who hates me. I stand up – old habit – and smile at her. At least I try to, but maybe I just scared her.

„Good morning," she says and looks surprised. „I thought you won´t be here by now. Doctor Clarkson told me you would leave."

„Morning," I answer and try to recall doctor´s answer – didn´t he tell me I should leave? I don´t think so. „I´m sorry, but I thought I was allowed to be here as long as I want."

„You can, but…he thought you´ll be away by now since you surely have work to do back at Downton."

„No, I don´t, I can be here for the whole day. But if I should leave…" I say it as a question and hope she´ll see it.

„No, it´s okay. I just have to examine your friend, measure his temperature and so. You can stay here, if you want." She smiles.

„Thank you." I go few steps from her and let her come closer to Thomas, still watching her. She wakes him up, tenderly I almost feel jealous. I fight it away since I know she just wants it to be as nice and comfortable as possible. In a while I feel a big wave of sympathy towards her – she´s the nurse. She´s caring.

Thomas opens eyes, obviously with effort and she whispers something. He smiles a bit and then his eyes find me. I smile, trying not to look worried because I see how weak he is. His face lights up and I feel almost physical pain when I see the adoration and love in his eyes and realise how much addicted I am to this face.

I don´t try to hear what she says, I don´t mind what she does because I know she wants to help Thomas and that´s all what matters. Finally she lets him lie down and smiles at him, adjusting the blanket on him. He smiles at her, smiles at me, but his eyes close immediately. Even though he struggles, he has to keep them shut. What´s going on in here?!

The nurse turns to me and I see the worry she tries to hide. Only tries, because I can still see it. She wants to go away, but I catch her arm and look straight into her eyes. She looks away, avoiding my sight. I lead her farther from Thomas because I don´t want him to hear us.

„How bad is it?" I ask harshly. „Tell me the truth!" I hiss and squeeze her arm.

„I-I can´t tell you. I´m not allowed to. Please." She looks into my eyes with fear.

„I only want to know how bad it is. Not what it is." I whisper, barely able to resist tears.

„Very well," she says as if she was talking to a naughty child and finally gave up any effort to try to bring me up. I gaze at her, begging her to talk.

„It´s not good. He has a fever, very high fever. It´s not far from… from the point where…where any help is futile." She casts down her eyes. Not that I care. I feel nauseous, light-headed and as if somebody has taken my brain away and left me only my heart, which is breaking apart right in the moment. Any help is futile, nothing can be done, it´s the end.

I let her and I think she´ll go away but she doesn´t. She stands here, probably waiting to do something. I hide my face in hands and try not to fall on my knees. How am I supposed to do something? No. It´s impossible. Everything is lost. I feel miserable, everything seems to be dark, foggy and unimportant. Because Thomas is leaving me. I can´t lie to myself – he´s dying.

I remember how I first met him. I came downstairs, looking for Mr Carson to apply for the job of a footman. I came there and Thomas looked at me and now I realise how surprised he was for a while. I remember the admiration in his face, I remember his eyes were saying: _You are beautiful and I want you._ I didn´t admit it but it was exactly like that. He led me to Mr Carson and offered me any help I´d need. And he was so willing to help me, to guide me to do anything I´d want…

„May I… Can I help you? Somehow? Bring you some tea or something to eat or…?" The nurse sounds quite unsure of what to do.

„Well, something to eat would be great. It won´t help, but I´m quite hungry." I say and look into her eyes. She smiles shyly. _No, please not. Don´t think you have some chance! You´re nice, but this won´t lead anywhere._

„I´ll look for something." Her smile widens.

„Please, take care of the other patients at first. Don´t worry about me, I´ll survive, but you should be there for them, they need your help more than I do." I manage to say but she puts her hand on my shoulder – in almost innocent gesture, but I´m quite experienced in recognizing when girl has a crush on me. And this one does. This is dangerous, I´m stepping into a rapid river – I´ll either be moved forward faster or drown. It can help, but avenging woman is the worst danger of the world.

„I´ve already done everything neccessary. Now I have some time off so I can pay attention to you. Moreover I feel I can help you more than them, they are too seriously ill while you just need somebody´s shoulder to cry on."

„Only," I whisper and try to see the meaning of her words. I feel like my brain has dissolved into some unknown substance, because I´m as able to think as a wallnut.

„Yes. Wait here, I´ll fetch you some food." She says and leaves. She´s pretty, I suppose, and I feel bad for hurting her emotions since she´s so nice – no matter it´s probably just because I´m handsome.

„Thank you," I manage to pronounce it almost clearly. I feel and urge to be with Thomas, to curl into a ball and hide myself in his arms, know he´s here with me. And I know I can´t. I just come to his bed, I sit beside him and I have to kiss him, I can´t help it. I place a little, gentle kiss on his lips, but they are so hot I have to give a lurch. I can´t believe it!

„Thomas? Can you hear me?" I cry in fear into his ears. I see his chest moving fast, feverishly without any rhythm. He has hidden his arms and hands under the blanket; in fact he´s all covered by it, obviously freezing, I see he´s shaking. And yet, he´s so hot. That´s not good. If he´s feeling cold, the fever is still getting worse. _It´s not far from the point beyond any help…_

„Thomas?! Please!" I whimper, absolutely frightened.

„Jim…my," Thomas mumbles and his eyelashes flicker as he tries to keep his eyes open.

„Thomas, you have to get better! You have to be here for me! I can´t live without you!" I panic; I´m not able to think, I´m not able to sound reasonable. I don´t want to. I need Thomas.

„love…you," he whispers and I barely see the meaning of his words. Then he closes eyes again and I want to scream and shout and the only reason why I don´t is, that I still realize where I am.

„I love you too. Just get better, Thomas," I manage not to cry, I just weep a little, but he can´t see that. I kiss him on the cheek and stand up right in the time to see the nurse carrying a tray with a bowl and some piece of bread.

I know I´m a very bad lover when I care about the food so much, but I can´t help it – I´m very hungry.

„Don´t you want to go out? Get some fresh air?" She asks. I look back at Thomas, unsure. In fact I want to go out because I feel I´m getting insane. However, can I leave Thomas? Who will hold his hand? Who will make him feel he´s loved and not alone so he should fight for the life? That I need him, I want him, I love him?!

„Don´t worry about him. He has to sleep, now you can´t help him anyway." She says when she sees where I look. I want to believe her, I want to get rid of these thoughts.

„Don´ t you say it just because you want to spend some time with me?" I ask, maybe too cocquettishly, but I mean the question, I take it very seriously.

„No, I promise it will be better for you and for him if you go out with me." She smiles and I take the tray from her because I´m supposed to do so. We go out to the yard. When she opens the door and I feel the fresh air, I notice the despair is leaving me. Now I started to believe Thomas can get better again. Now everything is possible.

We sit down in the grass and I notice how beautiful the world is. And even though she´s nice and witty and she´s a very good to talk to – her name is Rebeca – I can´t stop wishing it was Thomas to sit here with me. I realise his absence even more when I´m here embraced by the nature, when I see all the love in front of my eyes. And I know it´s bad I play it on Rebeca, but I can´t help it, I need somebody to be nice to me. And she´s very nice and caring, she likes me and I like talking to her.

Our little session is interrupted by the ring. She stands up, apologizes for leaving me but assures me I can stay here. I keep eating despite I feel even more hungry than before.

„James? Don´t you want to explain this to me?!" I hear and stop eating. Carson! What shall I do now?

„Actually I don´t want to, but I feel I´ll have to." I say, stand up and go to face my fate. This won´t be pleasant.


	16. Convincing talk and unknown reasons

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„I suppose you want to sit somewhere…?" Rebeca seems worried.

„Yes, that would be marvelous, we´re going to have a long talk, aren´t we, James?" Mr Carson looks at her but speaks to me.

„Well, you can sit here, in the room of nurses, actually I have to give some medicine to the patients so you can talk." She opens door and lets us go in. I pass her and she smiles at me with compassion. I nod and try to look braver than I feel. I´m much more afraid of the butler than I want to be.

„Thank you, this is perfect," Mr Carson says coldly, letting her know she should leave. Rebeca turns around and disappears as quickly as she can to look she´s not running off. Mr Carson has taken the seat behind the table, so I stand in front of him, but unlike any time I´ve been talking to him, I look straight into his eyes, maybe even defiantly.

„So James…" He begins and puts elbows on the table, fingers leaning one against other creating a roof. I hate when he does this. „Where to start?"

I don´t answer him because I feel an urge to say something like: _I´ve told you I´ll run off._ Even though I actually didn´t it´s almost as if I did. He wouldn´t let me go. So I bit my lip to kill the laughter when I imagine how he would express if I told him that.

„At first, I want to ask you if you thought I wouldn´t find you. No, really, did you think I won´t ask everybody if they don´t know anything about you?" He stares at me above his joined fingers. I hate how cold he is, how formally he acts. I mean – Thomas is ill! And he tries to show me I´m stupid.

„No, I didn´t. I´m sorry, but the last thing I thought about was if you were going to find me or not." I reply coldly – I sound much more serious and confident than I feel. Not that I mind.

„I see. At least you´re not that naive and stupid. Good." He says more to himself. I don´t feel any need to respond. „Mrs Hughes didn´t want to tell me where you went. But unfortunately for you, she´s not a good liar and I know her too well to believe her she didn´t know where you had gone. So now I´m here and I want you to tell me what exactly are you doing here."

_Right now I´m listening to your surplus speech instead of holding Thomas´ hand and watching him sleep._ I want to scream, but luckily I can manage to calm myself down.

„I´m here to see Thomas. I didn´t come to ask you for a permission to come here because I felt I would only distract you from work. You wouldn´t let me. But I had to see Thomas so I´m here." I say it plainly as if I didn´t even care about it. Inside I´m so nervous I feel I might vomit.

„From what you´ve said it sounds like you think it´s absolutely normal to disobey a superior and to leave work any time you want." He looks at me, but his eyes are not scaring me at all. How could they? I don´t care about him. He´s unimportant when I´m losing Thomas.

„I´m sorry if you think that, I didn´t want to baffle you." I say only. He frowns, but doesn´t say anything. This is dangerous. But I can´t fight it; it´s so pathetic. Who cares about this?

„Well, if it´s not normal, why did you do it?" _I thought it´s a great fun. No, wait that´s not true, I´m a sleepwalker. I went here all the way from Downton while I was asleep_. I resist rolling my eyes.

„Because you wouldn´t let me go here. And I had to see Thomas." I repeat because I feel it´s safer than the other things I want to say.

„I see. Why didn´t you go to see him in your day off?"

„I didn´t want to wait for almost whole month." I say. „You forbade it." I add because he seems he doesn´t remember. Well, I should have tried to go here legally. Even though he would remember if I asked.

„I know, of course." He says stiffly. He obviously didn´t remember.

„So you see. I had to run, I´m sorry if I caused any problems with serving of the lunch – it must be terrible that there was no footman to hold the sauce boat." I smirk. I know I shouldn´t but I can´t help it. I know how much Carson cares about the household and about everything being alright.

„Yes, it was unpleasant. Luckily His Lordship didn´t mind Anna serving the sauce even though it was very undignified for her and for the family. And may I ask why exactly did you feel that urge to run and risk getting sacked?" he finally untwists his fingers, leans against table closer to me and stares at me. I return him the gaze patiently.

„I thought I´ve told you, Mr Carson. To see Thomas." I say coldly. I see his face is getting redder.

„And don´t you think it´s a bit inappropriate?"

„No, I certainly don´t. Why would I?" I pretend I don´t know what he wants to say. I´m not going to ease it for him.

„Because of the… history between you two." He looks it´s very hard to say it for him. I want to grin. Carson embarrased… how funny. I´ve never thought I might see that.

„Well, as you said, that´s history. We´ve moved from that. I´d appreciate if you did the same."

„I would like to inform you I´m still your superior. And I don´t want you to tell me what I should or shouldn´t do." His hurt pride is staring me in the face. I want to laugh. „But I suppose it might look a bit strange. People might think something wrong about you. Something you wouldn´t want to."

„I´m afraid I don´t understand you." I say and it´s true. What the hell is he trying to tell me?

„Look, in novels and stories young men often run from everything because of beloved girl. In the night when nobody can stop them. But you ran off because of Mr Barrow, that´s different. Some people might draw some conclusions which wouldn´t really help you."

„What?" I gasp in disbelief. What does he try to tell me?

„If you ran off because of some girl – Daisy, for example – people wouldn´t approve you left your job, but they would feel it´s romantic and sweet that you did it for her. While when it´s Mr Barrow… I hope it´s not romantic or sweet. That would be quite inappropriate." How many times has he already said inappropriate?! I got it even without it!

„So should I understand it that you wouldn´t come to tell me off if the ill was Daisy?" I say and my voice is shaking because of the badly hidden anger.

„No, of course not, it´s just-"

„No, of course you wouldn´t!" I shout and smack the table with my fist. „If it was Mr Bates who would came because of Anna, you wouldn´t say a word! If Alfred left for Ivy you would say he´s young and in love. But not me! I´m here following the worst intentions that can exist. I can´t really just be loyal to a friend, can I? Of course not!" I shake and I feel hot tears in eyes. I blink several times, but it´s not helping. I´m starting to cry and I can´t fight it. My voice breakes and yet I´ve not finished my speech.

„He´s the first real friend I´ve had. It might be hard to understand, but he means more to me than anybody else. I may not look like that, but I was always very lonely. And he accepted me, who I am, didn´t try to change me. He´s the first person I come to talk about my problems, the shoulder I cry on. Is it really that difficult to see I need him?" I whisper the last words. I bow my head, tears flowing down my cheeks. It hurts me to talk like this, it´s painful and I want to be alone or better to huddle in Thomas´ arms. And yet I have to be here with a man who doesn´t even try to understand me.

„James, I… I don´t know what to say. I see it hurts you but you have to understand I can´t do anything." He says and at least he´s surprised. Well, I managed to surprise Carson, that´s not very usual.

„I don´t care about what you can or can´t do. Do what you want to, sack me, kill me, I´m all yours. But you won´t break me." I say coldly and look straight into his eyes. „Never. I won´t betray Thomas."

„What am I supposed to do now? What should I do, what do you think?"

„I don´t care. That´s your problem and your responsibility. Do what your heart tells you, Mr Carson. Wouldn´t you come here for a close friend?"

„No, I wouldn´t. I wouldn´t leave the Abbey unattended." The stiffness of his words is not even funny.

„Don´t lie. Don´t care about me, but you shouldn´t lie to yourself. Wouldn´t you want to see Mrs Hughes? If you weren´t sure you´d see her again, if you knew she´d love to see you. Wouldn´t you come?" I don´t mind if I get in trouble. I don´t care about anything. I just want to prove him how wrong he is.

„You shouldn´t ask things like this, James." He says and I see I touched the sensitive place. He cares about Mrs Hughes! I didn´t know that! Not exactly…

„I don´t care. You have to admit you´d do that as well."

„Maybe I would. But it doesn´t matter, this is not that situation."

„Okay. I just wanted you to imagine why did I do it. Do whatever you want, but try to understand me, please." I whisper and turn away to wipe my tears. He´s silent, for a long time. I don´t say anything, I´m looking from the window and watch the clouds running across the sky. I don´t know how much time has passed, but suddenly I feel an urge to leave and see Thomas. I have to. It´s been so long!

„I…don´t really know what to do now." He finally says. I turn around to see his face and I´m astonished when I see his expression. Mr Carson, that cold, reserved butler who was always stiffly following rules and instructions, always relentless about keeping them, doesn´t know what to do. I opened the door into his heart, I managed to let his emotions out. I´ve never thought somebody would be able to and surely not that it would be me. But I´m glad I did so.

„When I came here I didn´t even want to talk to you, I wanted to tell you you´re sacked without any claim or right. Then I saw you, how proud you are, how you don´t regret anything, and I was willing to give you a chance to choose, either your job or Mr Barrow. But now… I can´t. I don´t know how, but you managed to convince me. I see it wasn´t right when I kept you away from him and it wouldn´t be right to want you to choose."

I stare at him in bewilderment. What?! What did he just say? Did Mr Carson really said something like this? I suppose he should be kept here then, this is not normal. He´s probably ill. If he wasn´t my superior, I would touched his forehead to see if he doesn´t have a fever.

„So I won´t sack you. I realise I´ve done many conssesions because of this, and I assure you this is really the very last one. You can stay at Downton, though only as the second footman. You can come here while Mr Barrow is here, but you have to be in the house for meals and you´ll immediately come back if somebody comes to visit the family. I hope it´s clear and satisfying enough."

At first I just stare at him. Then I start to smile. Then I laugh.

„Oh, Mr Carson, thank you! I would hug you if I could!" I cry happily. I see his sheepish smile. „Thank you, thank you, thank you! I´m so happy! I´ll try not to disappoint you, I´ll be the best employee who has ever existed."

„Well, this is enough, James. Stop it, otherwise I´ll change my decision." The butler is obviously abashed. I stop talking, but I can´t help smiling.

„Agreed then. I expect you at half past seven in the servants´ hall. And don´t you dare to come late. I´ll personally take you to the police office, I´ll think up some reason, if you come late. Do you understand?" He frowns at me, as if he still can´t believe he promised to give me another chance.

„I understand, Mr Carson, I perfectly understand. I´ll be there." I promise feverishly, not letting him talk more.

„Good bye. And don´t do something stupid, James. I don´t want to look like a fool that I gave you the job." He stands up and goes to the door.

„I promise, Mr Carson. Nothing stupid, don´t be late." I say. In the moment I say it I realise it might have sounded a bit derisive, but I can´t do anything about it. He rises one eyebrow, but fortunately doesn´t tell me off or even take back the offer.

„How is he?" I ask Rebeca when I see she´s standing beside Thomas´ bed, looking at him. He´s lying on his back, eyes closed and moving fast – he´s dreaming again. I just hope –

„No!" Thomas shrieks and I see what she wanted to tell me. „No! Please, no! Jimmy!" He cries in pain and tosses.

„Thomas!" I screech and immediately fall on my knees beside him. „Thomas, it´s okay, I´m here, I´m here, it´s okay. You´re okay." I catch his hand, which was waving in front of me, but I feel it´s not enough. This is not just a nightmare I can easily wake him up from. I sit up on the bed, quickly, and try to keep him lying down. For an ill person, moreover sleeping, is incredibly strong. I still try to calm him down, even though I´m not very successful.

„Jimmy! Jimmy!" How am I supposed to stand this?! He sounds so hurt, in such a pain I want to just huddle beside him and try not to hear how desperate he sounds.

„Thomas, Thomas, calm down. Everything´s alright, I´m here with you." I whimper, lying on his chest, trying to steady him. _Thomas, I love you! I can´t say it aloud, but I love you! I love you!_

„You don´t have to fear, everything´s fine, I´m here, you´re safe." I repeat again and again, so many times I even stopped believing it has some sense, that it means something. I lie with my forehead against his chest, crying, clutching him in tight grip and begging him to stay with me. But he doesn´t even hear me, I know. If he heard me, he would respond. No, he´s having some nightmare, he´s hallucinating, absolutely lost. And he still cries my name or some other words, and I can do nothing about it.

„James, you can step aside. We´ll manage this. Just let me-" I hear the doctor´s voice and I rise my head to see him. Rebeca is beside him, handing him some injection. My eye widen as I see what he wants to do.

„No!" I shrill and in the very moment I sound like Thomas, as insane, as desperate. „I won´t let you! Let him be!"

„We just want to give him some painkillers and aspirin, to lower his fever. He´ll be better, I promise." Doctor says calmly. He doesn´t care about Thomas. He wants to have it quickly done, he doesn´t really care about him, he just wants to go back to drink his coffee!

„I don´t believe you!" I scream. Rebeca runs away, I don´t know why. Maybe because she doesn´t want to see how the doctor kills Thomas. „Get away, don´t touch him. You don´t have any right to do that!"

„I want to just calm him down. He needs a rest." Finally I see some glimpse of interest in his eyes. „Let me do it, Jimmy. He would let me to do that if it were you."

Would he? Would Thomas trust him? Would he entrust my life into his hands? I don´t know. I just have to risk it. Slowly, I sit up, only holding Thomas´ floudering hand. He´s still tossing and kicking around, screaming in pain. Doctor leans above him, rolls up his shirt – I´m quite jealous, I could have done it myself – and puts the needle into Thomas´ stomach.

I thought he would immediately relax, he´ll be perfectly alright in a little while, and we will live happily forever after. Instead I feel Thomas is just weaker in my arms, he´s breathing fast, still moving even though he´s not as strong or fast anymore. He stopped crying, now he just whispers and moans. I want to turn away, but I can´t stop staring at the skin in his underbelly. Besides the paleness his whole body has turned into, it´s bruised – all blue and black – as if this wasn´t the first injection he´s got. What has been happening in here?! Why didn´t they tell me it´s so bad?!

I watch Thomas´ hip bones in fascination, I can´t turn away from him. He´s still so beautiful and seducing even now when he´s so ill. He´s lost weight, too much, so now he´s not muscular as he used to be, now he´s thin, almost skinny. And however I hate the gap between his hips, it attracts me. I have to bite my lip not to dream about undressing him completely or something like that. Luckily the doctor covers Thomas with the blanket so I don´t have more time to stare at Thomas´ underbelly and dream about him.

„Thank you. I didn´t really believe you´d let me do it, I was prepared to fight with you." The doctor says in disbelief. I smirk, look at Thomas and feel scared. What if he really hurt Thomas?! I watch my lover, who seems to be almost calm, breathing normally. What if he really caused his death and it´s just a matter of time?!

„What have you done to him?" I ask; I don´t even have enough strenght to shout.

„I gave him an injection, he´ll feel better." Doctor says. I hold Thomas´ hand even tighter.

„Did you kill him? That´s the relief he´ll feel?!" I say sharply.

„No, of course not. This was just a medicine. It won´t cure him, I have nothing for this illness, just hope and belief in God. But he´ll feel a bit better, at least for a while. He needs a rest to be able to recover. Of course I wouldn´t kill him. Even if he begged me to, I can´t, it´s forbidden even by the law." He watches me and talk patiently as if he was used to say this many times each day. I look at him and feel ashamed.

„I´m sorry, doctor Clarkson, I didn´t want to scream on you. I just… I didn´t know what I was doing. I´m sorry." I apologise and bow my head. I watch Thomas. He´s not calm, he still shakes and murmurs something, but at least he´s not that bad.

„You don´t have to be. Everybody reacts like this when his or her close person is in danger. I would wonder if you weren´t, if your emotion is so strong that Mr Carson accepted it as an excuse for your running off." I suppose I´ve seen some light in his eyes – amusement, maybe?

„It wasn´t really me, I just reminded him what´s important in life. But, doctor Clarkson, you know what I want to ask." I´m not able to say it aloud. If the answer wasn´t what I want to hear, I can still pretend I´ve asked something else.

„It´s bad, I´m afraid. Of course there is a hope, hope is strong so you shouldn´t give it up. But all reasonable arguments are against him. He has been hiding his illness for a very long time, now it´s just watching how much damage has been done and how much hope we have. I can´t really say it, I don´t want to guess, because if I did I would either feel I´m practically burying him or that I´m childishly naive. I don´t know." He seems to be really worried. How could I ever have doubts about him?

„Doctor please. Don´t you want to calm me down?" I beg.

„I want. But would you believe it if I don´t believe it myself?"

„No, I wouldn´t." I admit.

„What are these spasms he´s suffering from? Due to what I know it wasn´t for the first time." I manage to sound cold and unintrested.

„No it wasn´t. I´m quite worried about it. Unfortunately I´m afraid there is nothing we could do for him. It may be caused by a fever – that´s why I give him the aspirin. But more probably it´s a cold turkey – if I can use that expression. I´ve seen many withdrawal symptoms, they were very variol, and hallucinations or dizziness can be one of them. I can´t really say which problems he has are caused by the withdrawal – it may be almost all of them and he doesn´t even have to lack cigarettes." Doctor says and watches Thomas who is now peacefully sleeping.

„I doubt that. If I know something it´s the fact that Thomas would lack cigarettes, you know he smokes quite a lot." I say and shrug to let him know I don´t aprove it. I have a plan to make Thomas stop smoking when he gets better.

„That´s exactly what I thought." Doctor nods, but he seems faraway, thinking about something.

„I see. So there´s nothing to do then." I whisper and look back at Thomas, his motionless hand in mine, lying on my lap.

„You have to hope, be here for him and let him know he has something to fight for. Your emotion is strong, it is worth fighting, he just has to see it." Am I wrong or does he know everything about us? In a while I´m scared – it´s still a crime and most people I´ve ever met think people like us should be at least imprisoned. But no, he means every word he says and therefore he encourages me.

„Thank you." I just say, because I feel I have to say something even though I feel I will cry in the very next moment.

„And when we´re at it, how long can you stay?" He asks. I blink to fight the tears I don´t know what of and turn back to him.

„I have to leave before seven, I´ll have to run, but I don´t care, I want to be here as much time as possible. I hope I can some in the night." It´s a hidden question.

„Of course you can, as I said, you´re the best medicine I can give him."

„Thank you. For everything." I whisper and smile. I hear the bell ringing and he apologises and goes to open the door. Due to how he express, how fast he walks, he´s most probably expecting Mrs Crawley. I have no idea what game they are playing, but it´s pretty funny. At least for me it´s obvious they love each other. So why do they hide it?

I don´t care. In the moment when he leaves, I lean above Thomas, resting on one forearm, half lying on his chest, and I caress his forehead tenderly with few fingers.

„Thomas, if only you knew how much you mean to me." I whisper into his ear. „If only I found it out earlier." I kiss his cheek gently. „If only we could spent more time together before this." My kisses are more hungry, more passionate, my lips need to get to know his face. It might be bad, I feel I´m almost abusing him. What if Thomas doesn´t want me to kiss him? Then I send this thought away because it´s pointless.

„I wish I didn´t have doubts about my feelings." I don´t think he hears me, but I have to say it aloud. „I wish I could love you. I wish I could possess you, I wish I could tell everybody you´re mine, I wish everything was different. Everything but you, because you are perfect and flawless. You are ideal:" I´m kissing his neck, trying to ignore the fever, the heat which is radiating from his skin, but it´s not easy. I feel hot tears in eyes, when I realise I´m just deceiving myself, I´m just dreaming and this is just a tinpot imitation of what I want. I want Thomas to touch me, I want him to hold me in arms, I want him to lead me.

„I wish I could do anything. If I could do anything – everything – I would do it without hesitation. I want you to be alright, Thomas. I want you back. I want you to be happy, to be cheerful, to be alive." I wail, head resting on his chest, tears flowing down my cheeks. I hold him in embrace and I don´t care if somebody sees me. So what? What more can they do to me?

„I want us to be together. I wish I could tell you how much I need you. I wish you knew you´ve given me the sense of life, with you I know what I want." It´s painful to say these things, it hurts when I just talk to him as if he was here and he´s not. But I can´t help it. I have to tell him and I might never have a chance again.

„I love you, Thomas. I mean it. I know you can´t hear me, but you´re the whole world for me. I love you." I feel I´ve never told him before. It´s much stronger than ever before. These three words now contain and mean more than they ever have. My despair, my love, my hope, my fear – everything is hidden in these simple words. Now I mean it. If anything can wake Thomas up, it´s this. Because the words are strong. I feel it.

And still, he doesn´t move. His heart beats more slowly than before. I sit up because I´m very tired and I feel I would fall asleep if I remained lying on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and breath like to a lullaby. I sit, watch him, hold his hands on my lap and for the first time in my life I really pray.

I beg whoever is above, whoever is responsible for our lives, to spare Thomas, to let him with me. I don´t fully believe somebody is here, I´ve never believed. But now I don´t care about it. I just desperately, unreservedly beg him – or her? – to hear my plea. I don´t know who it should be particularly. It doesn´t matter. I just want Thomas.

It might be minutes, it might be hours, it might be days. I don´t know. I´ve lost notion of time, I can´t watch it. I don´t know how long I´m here. Somewhere deep in my head there is something telling me I should leave before seven, but I can´t move, I can´t force myself to leave Thomas here without good bye. I can´t leave.

„You´re still here?" Rebeca´s voice sounds behind me. I turn around, but I can´t let Thomas´ hand go. She surprised me so at first I´m afraid she´s been watching me for a longer time. My heart skips a beat when I realise she might have seen me crying on Thomas´ chest. Did she hear what I said? Does she want to threaten me?

„Yes. What´s the time, please?" I ask and try to sound calm, in spite of I feel my heart palpitating almost in my throat.

„Quarter past two. Why?" She rises forehead and comes closer. She sits on the chair I left there and watches Thomas´ hand with envy. I try to oversee it because besides this she´s a very nice girl and I don´t want to hurt her.

„I have to leave before seven o´clock, they expect me at Downton." I reply and finally I have enough courage to let Thomas´ hand go and not to be afraid he´ll disappear in the next minute.

„I see. So we won´t see each other then?" She asks and I feel she´s disappointed and tries to hide it, even though she´s not too successful.

„I´m coming back in the night, as soon as possible." I smile but I feel it´s not completely sincere.

„I´m leaving at eight and I will come tomorrow the same time. I hope you won´t have to be here, but it would be nice if we met again." She looks at me and the hope in her eyes is almost ridiculous.

„Yes, it would be, but I´m afraid they won´t give me any time off in next five years, at least. But if I got, we can meet." I say and hope it doesn´t sound too evasive. She just smiles, her eyes are shining with joy. I have to do something with this. But then I notice some change in Thomas´ face and that interests me much more.

„Thomas?" I gasp. His eyes are slowly opening. „Thomas!" I can´t really believe it! Even though I wanted it to happen, I didn´t really believe it´s possible.

„Jimmy," he whispers and smiles. „May I…get something…to drink?" He asks Rebeca. I see it hurts him. She nods and leaves.

„How are you?" I ask and smile, happily.

„Painful. I´ll manage it." It´s barely a whisper, more a wheezing, in fact.

„Good. I was so worried about you." I sigh and hug him. He yelps a little, but embraces me as well.

„Don´t be. I won´t leave you." He coughs.

„I certainly hope so." I kiss him on the cheek and pull away because I think Rebeca is coming soon.


	17. Wall

_**I´m sorry it took me so much time to post this, I just had to have a break for a while. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and will let me know what you think about it.**_

I asked Rebeca not to disturb us so now we have an hour to be together before she returns. I make sure we´re well hidden from the other patients´ sights and then I lie down beside Thomas, on my stomach, one arm resting on his chest, and I watch him. He seems to be restless, eyes roaming over the room, fingers impatiently twirling. Before, when he was asleep, I was dreaming about talking to him, telling him everything I said when he was out, but now I can´t force myself to talk. It´s hard. What should I talk about? Should I try to pacify him? Or should I pretend nothing happens? The only thing I know I don´t want to discuss is my leaving tonight. I hate myself for promising that. Now, when I look at it, I see it was stupid. How little I care about staying at Downton compared to Thomas! How unimportant it now seems to be when I see how bad Thomas feels! But I promised it. I´ve moved Mr Carson enough to force him to let me stay. I can´t disappoint him, I´m too proud to do it. But I hate myself for it. I promised it when I thought Thomas was just sleeping and when I believed everything will be fine. Now I´m not sure. Am I just dreaming, trying to convince myself that what I so desperately want can come true?

„Did you know Mr Carson cares about Mrs Hughes? In that way," I start with the first and most stupid thing that comes to my mind – gossips. I´m sure he knows it, he is very close to her, I wouldn´t wonder if they were having some sessions where they would discuss their secrets and things like that.

„Suspicion," Thomas nods and coughes. I shake when he does it, I´m frightened. When I also feel it under my arm, it´s even worse.

„Well he does, I´m pretty sure ." I say foolishly, knowing I have to avoid mentioning the condition why I was allowed to stay here. And Thomas is clever, even now when he´s ill. He´d figure it out if I only said something close to that.

„Daisy says hi and wishes you quick recovery, by the way." I say to lead his thoughts somewhere else. Even though he seems to be absent, lost in his own thoughts. I try to oversee it, I try to pretend I don´t see it, but it´s painful to see him ignoring me, not paying attention to what I say. I´m so used to his constant consideration that it almost hurts when I don´t see his eyes on me, when he doesn´t try to hear even more than just my words. I realise he´s ill, I realise he´s somewhere else, but it´s still painful.

„Thanks," the voice which pronounced this word is so weak and fragile it can´t be Thomas´. Because Thomas has seductive, mellifluos voice, that always makes me almost fall on knees just to obey what he wants – his voice is full of plea and order in one, his voice is beautiful. But this voice is not his. It´s just a whisper, saturated with pain and suffering. And tiredness.

„I´ll tell her you thank her," I say. I´ve never felt so embarassed in his presence – maybe even when I first saw him after I insisted on firing him without a refference was worse. I don´t know what to say, everything has either been said or mustn´t be said.

„Shh," I thought I just dreamed about this sound but I didn´t. Thomas pulls me closer – I have to help him because he´s too frail – and I close eyes on his chest, happy to be able to stay silent. We just lie like this, I worry because his breathing sounds frightening and his heart beats too slowly and too lightly I almost miss it, and everything is fine. Sometimes he coughs, but I know he´s hiding the cough as much as he can. I´m ashamed and disgusted of myself. He´s ill and he still puts me above everything, he protects me and tries to spare me from every harm. I almost cry. I try to be as small as possible, because I´m not worth breathing the same air as Thomas. He´s such a pure soul, such a good man. How can anybody say a word against him?

I don´t know how much time has left – for me it feels like few seconds – when I was lying on Thomas´ chest, but suddenly I hear steps and I assume it would be better if I wasn´t found in Thomas´ bed. It seems so stupid, without sense. Why would my love be worse than love of any other man? Why do they have a right to be with their beloved while I don´t? Why is my love considered as wrong?

I know I was the same. I was condemning this, I thought this is not a love. I thought gay people can´t love, that they just want physical love, not the pure, mental one. I considered them as animals, as something less than I am. What an irony.

Now I see Thomas and his pure feelings and I know nobody has ever been as wrong as I was. I started to realise everything people were telling me was a lie when I saw how protective Thomas was because of me. And now? Now I want to beat myself for being so stupid.

I take Thomas´ arm off my back even though I feel cold when I don´t have his hot hand on my loins, and sit up. I leave his bed and sit on the chair, noticing Thomas is asleep again. I see he´s shaking and I fear he might have another nightmare. I take his hand into mine and draw little circles on the back of it, trying to calm myself down. I try to convince myself every ill person sleeps a lot. I´m not very successful.

„I´ve brought you a cup of tea," Rebeca enters. I force myself to look at her because I suppose it´s polite, even though I don´t want to.

„Thanks," I sound different than usual. Normally I´m confident, voice full of joy, vivid. Now the only word hides all my pain and it seems to me I´m already dead.

„You look terrible, you know." She says and gives me a huge mug. I hold it on my knee and keep it steady with one hand, the other still clutching Thomas´ fingers.

„Nobody told me this before," I say and want to smile, but I´m not able to so I just smirk.

„I mean it seriously." She looks at me and I see worry in her eyes. I feel very uncomfortable under her gaze, it feels like she´s mentally undressing me. What maybe she does.

„Me too." I reply and stare at Thomas´ pale face.

„Don´t you want to sleep? You can lie down somewhere." What does she want? Do I really look so bad? I don´t think so. I´m here just for one day. I couldn´t have changed so much.

„No, I´m perfectly alright." I say. That was harsh. „I´m sorry." I add, but just because I feel I should, I don´t mean my words.

„Yes, I can see it." She says sarcastically. „You can´t stay awake forever."

„I don´t need forever," I murmur and close my eyes for a while because Thomas has moved and his face is full of pain – I can´t just watch it.

„I´ll guard him for you," she laughs a bit. What is funny on this?! How can she laugh?!

„I think I´ll rather stay with him." I say coldly.

„He wouldn´t want you to-" She starts. That´s the last drop. How dares she talk about what Thomas would want?! How dares she even talk about him.

„You know nothing about him. Nothing!" I say and try to keep my voice calm because I don´t want to wake Thomas up. „Don´t tell me what I should do, never. And never try to separate me and Thomas."

She stares at me for a while. I see in her face she´s astonished. Wasn´t this too much…?

„I wish I had a friend like you," she whispers. What?! I expected many various things, but not this.

„Uhm… Thank you?" I say, a bit surprised.

„I should give him something to drink again." She murmurs, puts her cup of tea on the bedside table and leaves quickly. I watch her, but soon I don´t focus on her. Thomas´ hand clutches mine more tightly, but I see he doesn´t know it. This is so painful.

I watch the clock on the wall with more worry. Thomas is awake and the moment of embarassment has passed, we don´t need to talk. We just look at each other and I see the love in his eyes, I think of future and I see him in it. We don´t talk but I suppose he knows what I think about. He smiles at me, holds my hand and his look tells me what his vocal cords aren´t able to. I can´t answer him differently, I can´t speak because I would break this flawless moment of understanding. So I try to let him know how much he means to me.

But I will have to leave him soon. The sun sets, there is a beautiful twilight behind the windows and yet I´m terribly afraid of leaving. I know I have to leave but I can´t force myself to stop thinking about what would be if Ididn´t leave. I hate myself for being so weak, but I don´t want to leave Thomas.

„What you look at?" Thomas manages to say even though I see it´s not easy for him. Actually it seems to be pretty hard. Worse is… what to say to him? Can I lie to him and hope he´ll fall asleep when I´ll have to go? That´s what the coward in me would do, but I loathe this part of myself. How can I even think about doing something so terrible and hipocritical to Thomas?!

„The clock," I admit at last. There is no way back. He doesn´t use words. He just rises one eyebrow to let me know he doesn´t understand. _I wish you wasn´t so gorgeous, Thomas… How am I supposed to leave you when I love you so much._

„I have to leave," I whisper and bow my head. I can´t look into Thomas´ eyes. On one hand I want him to see my guilt but I know I wouldn´t be able to stand the pain in his eyes. _Betrayer. You stupid little boy! How can you just hold his hand? You don´t deserve to be in the same room as he is. _I´m shouting on myself and I want to cry. I haven´t thought about it before. But this is true. I betrayed Thomas. I betrayed myself.

„Why?" Thomas´ voice breakes and he starts to cough. His hand slips from mine and he embraces his chest.

„No, Thomas, stay with me!" I shriek when I remember last time I´ve seen him coughing so much. „Thomas, please."

I wait for few terrible moments until he calms down. I see his face is not just pale, it´s ashy, unhealthy. Thomas…

„I have to leave. I´m sorry. I don´t want to, I hate myself for it. But I have to. Forgive me, please." I cry but he turns away from me. „Thomas, I´m sorry. I love you. I have to leave."

„Why?" he repeats. I almost fear he´d cough again, but he doesn´t. At least he turned back to me.

„Mr Carson was here and somehow I convinced him to let me stay at Downton, after all what I´ve done. So now I have to go there, I can´t disappoint him. Forgive me, please." I beg him and to prove I mean it seriously I kneel down so now I´m looking straight into his beautiful eyes.

„Don´t go," Thomas whispers and touches my cheek with his fingers. They´re very hot, but I only concentrate on what he wants to tell me.

„I have to. He wouldn´t give me another chance. And I promised I´ll come." I feel tears in eyes. I see how tied I am. I can´t escape, I can only make everything worse. How much I want to stay here!

„Don´t go. I´ll run with you," I try to see the sense in his words, which is not easy, because I feel my brain has turned into useless piece of sponge.

„Run? Where? I´m not running anywhere." I say in confusion.

„If you lose job," I stare at him. Then it begins to be clear. He wants me to stay and promises he´ll run with me when I lose my job. Because I doubt I´d be given another chance. A new wave of tenderness has risen in my chest. _Thomas, my beautiful Thomas. You´d run because of me?_

„I can´t let you," I finish the sentence aloud.

„Don´t leave me," he says, urgently. The tears burst out of my eyes and I can´t stop it.

„Why do you do this to me? It´s hard enough for me to leave you, you don´t have to make it worse," I cry. My knees hurt because the ground is pretty cold, but I don´t care.

„Stay with me," Thomas looks as if he didn´t listen to me. His eyes are shining with some strange glitter.

„I can´t. I´ll return in a while, you can sleep and when you´ll wake up, I´ll be there, I promise." I take his hand and put it on my chest. „Can you feel it? Do you hear how it beats? It beats for you, Thomas. But I promised I´d come back at Downton."

„If you leave I will die," He says and takes his hand back. That hurts me. It hit me in the most sensitive place. How can he say this? Doesn´t he know how much it hurts? I look into his beautiful grey eyes and every bit of anger I might feel, every will to blame him has disappeared when I see the despair he feels. He looks so lonely, so frightened I almost changed my decision. Almost. I can´t break my promise.

„I will be with you," I whisper and kiss him. I want to show him how much he means to me, I want to make sure he´s real. He kisses me back, but I feel he gives last bits of his energy to it. „With you. Here," I whisper and touch his chest, fingers caressing his hot, wet skin. „You won´t be alone, I promise."

„Don´t go. I need you," his words are burning inside of me. I will never forget them. No matter how this will end, I will never forget how he said he needs me. It´s so surprising. I always thought Thomas doesn´t need anybody, that he´s independent and strong. It´s not good that he admitted he needs me. I know I should feel honoured but the only thing I feel is dread. How serious is this? Will he ever be able to recover? I don´t mean the pneumonia, but this. Will he ever be the same? Now when I see his naked soul, when he said he needed me, I can´t pretend everything is normal.

„I´ll be back soon. I love you, Thomas. I love you. Think of it, don´t let anything get into your heart but this. I will come back, I swear." I cry, kiss him again and stand up. His eyes are beseeching, maybe blaming. I can´t look into them, I can´t see it. I´ve done few steps, but I can´t leave.

„You care about Downton more than about me," I barely hear it. I can pretend I haven´t, I can go away. The problem is that I actually heard it.

„That´s not true." I say firmly and come back. „I don´t care about it and you know so. But I´m honest. I promised Mr Carson I´ll come so I will. It´s the matter of honour." I say. I realise I´m probably frightening him. I might be selfish, but I don´t care. I want him to understand.

„I was naive. I thought you´d dedicate me everything," He whispers, closes eyes and lets me know it´s over for him. I´ve disappointed him and there is no chance to redress it. Even if I stayed here now, it wouldn´t be the same. Because I didn´t give up everything for him. Was it wrong? Yes, it was. No, it wasn´t. I can´t choose. I can´t say that what I did was absolutely wrong.

„I love you, Thomas. I would die for you. But I can´t break my promise." I say, even though he´s probably not listening. I had to say it. And then I leave the room. On my way I come to Rebeca´s room to say good-bye to her. I feel I have to. She squeezes my hand and wishes me luck. As if I was going to a war or something. I leave her as soon as possible, because she scares me and moreover I feel very uncomfortable in her presence. She still waits for something I can´t give her.

I open the front door, close it behind myself and I begin to run. I don´t know how long I will be able to run so fast, but now I have to be as far from this place as possible. I feel I might faint in the very next moment if I didn´t move.

I listen to my heavy footspteps, pacified by the pace, with empty mind. Now I understand what men going to the war felt. The fear of what will come after this soothing walk. I don´t fear anything, not now. Now I´m calm because of the rhythm of my walk. Right, left, right, left. I don´t have to think about it, it´s natural, it comes from me. I´m running, passing houses which I might normally admire but now I don´t pay attention to them. I pass the church without looking at it, I turn my sight from people propeling cows, I don´t look at the swallow I admired so far away from now. I look on my feet, on the way under them and I concentrate on keeping this pace.

Suddenly, a car appears in front of me and I have to jump aside. I want to return back to the run, but unfortunately I rise my head and see what I shouldn´t. I can´t come back to the previous state of mind, where I was calm and all my troubles were far away. I can´t run away from Thomas, from my guilt, from his begging eyes. I know I will never escape his desperate, heart-sick sight. I will never be able to forget it, it has built a wall between us, a wall which can never be broken. Maybe we´ll manage to overleap it, but it will always be there. That I left him, I was so selfish to leave him because of my pride. Because I wanted to keep my job, I wanted to prove myself and whole world everything´s possible, I was blind.

I stare at the crosses and upper parts of memorials and grave stones which are higher than the wall embracing the cemetry, keeping deceased people from me. Of course, I can open the gate and walk there… but would I be able to climb the wall? Would I dare? No, I wouldn´t. I would stay here, trying to see whatever is behind the wall while the person on the other side would just look at me…

I´m crazy. I know I´m mad. It´s just a cemetry wall, I´ve seen it many times. And yet, I wish it was so easy, I wish I didn´t see Thomas on the other side, I wish I didn´t think this is the wall between us. I want to run, I know I should leave but I´m motionless. I can´t force my legs to move, my eyes to look away. I stand on the edge of the road, toes smashing some blue flowers. I know I should immediately turn around and run to Downton. But instead, I move forward.

I´m climbing the slope, stepping on the grass, leaving traces behind myself. The closer I´m to the wall, the faster I walk. When I´m almost there, I slow down and stop. I´m insane, I´m just dreaming. _Turn around and walk down, Jimmy,_ I order myself. _There is nothing for you, you don´t have time for aimless, stupid wandering around the cemetry wall. Just turn around and walk to Downton, that´s what you promised. That´s why you left Thomas._

Unfortunately, Thomas´ name has the opposite effect on me. I see the pale silver light shining in the gloomy twilight around me. I let it lead me, I forget who I am, where I am, why I am. I watch the trail of it, a tiny pearly line. I do few steps, placing one foot in front of the latter, senses working as much as possible. I watch the line even though inside I know it´s just phantasm, illusion my ill brain is showing me. I know it and yet I can´t force myself to turn around and go away. I´m getting mad, I know it. My heart is beating too fast, I can hear blood circulating in my head, and I know I´m insane. I try to fight it. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. This contrariety can be seen in my action. I do few steps quickly, succumbed to the strange power and then I suddenly stop, hesitating, trying to remember how I got here. Wall. Impassable wall, between me and Thomas. No! I can´t let this happen.

While I´m trying to defeat myself, my legs move without me noticing it. I realise I´m standing in front of the gate of the cemetry, I see the fittings of the lowest part of it. I rise my head, unwillingly, and look through the lattice.

I gasp and almost faint. I know I´m overreacting. I´m sure I´m just tired, I haven´t slept well, in fact I almost didn´t sleep. But this… this is too much. My heart is beating too fast, I can´t breathe, I feel light-headed. My knees are shaking, too weak, I am too weak. I want to run away, but I can´t. Instead I fall onto the ground, helplessly. I´m kneeling down and I catch the lattice of the gate. I´m clutching it, maybe too tightly, it hurts, the joints and fingers went white, but I don´t care. Because I´m staring at what I see, trying to wake myself up from this hallucination.

No matter how many times I blink, he´s still here. Leaning against the tree, looking gorgeous and casually, holding a cigarette in one hand. And smiling. With that beautiful, amazing cocky smile I love on him. Healthy and strong. I want to reach for him, he seems to be so perfect. So flawless. So beautiful. _Thomas!_ I want to shake with the gate, to get his attention, but it´s too heavy. I want to call his name, but I´m not able to. I stare at him, shaking, barely able to resist tears. Deep inside I realise Thomas is not here, but the image of him is too real, too perfect. I stretch my arms towards him, trying to reach him, but I´m not able to. Instead, I have to watch him smoking and it feels much longer than usual. I want to scream when he finally throws the rest of the cigarette on the ground and straightens, looking at me. His smile grows wider, but it´s not the usual smile he gives me. This is not happy at all. It´s a terrible, frightening smile, containing disdain, disgust and loathing. This is not Thomas´ smile. I want to run, suddenly I´m frightened. Now I see this is just my mind, it´s not Thomas, he wouldn´t look like that.

The wraith which uses Thomas´ perfect body but not his soul is coming closer to me. I want to run, but I´m grounded, I´m frightened, I can´t fight my fear. It´s painful to see Thomas´ eyes filled with such hatred, so revengeful. It comes closer, and plonks down on the other side of the gate. Furtunately I have enough strenght to pull my arms closer to me, so I´m just holding the rails, scared to death.

„You left me," it says and frowns at me. My eyes widen, I can´t breathe. What?!

„You put your pride before me." It´s voice is cold and cruel and I know this is not Thomas. He would never blame me, not when he´s alright and sane.

„You denied me," His eyes shine with hate.

„You are not Thomas!" I scream. „I didn´t deny him." I finally have enough strenght to escape. I jump up and run down the slope, as fast as I can. I don´t look around, I don´t see anything because of the tears in my eyes. I cry and run away, as if I could escape from my fear.


	18. There and back again

_**I´m terribly sorry for such a delay with this chapter, but I was a quite busy. I hope you´ll forgive me. Let me know you´re still here. :)**_

* * *

„James? What happened to you? What´s the matter?" I raise up head and it takes me some time to recognize Mrs Hughes who´s looking at me with worry. I stare at her, trying to realise why do I even am here.

„Good evening, Mrs Hughes. I´m fine. I just need to wash my face and change. It´s not half past seven yet, is it?" I try to look behind her on the clock.

„It´s twenty past seven. Come in," She steps aside and lets me go inside. She closes the door and turns to me. „You look terrible. Have you slept in last few days?"

„I´m sorry, I´ll get myself ready for the dinner. I´m sorry for looking so messy, I had to run." I breathe out and walk to get my livery. I notice she follows me so she hasn´t finished yet. _Oh God, I´m going to work in a minute!_

„James, look at me!" She orders sharply. I have to turn to her.

„Are you sure you´re not ill? You look very bad." She places hand on my forehead and I pull away from her, shaking my head.

„I´m alright, thank you. And now if you excuse me, I have to get ready for the dinner." I say and I notice it was rude and harsh, but the last thing I want to do now is chatting with Mrs Hughes about my health. I run away before she has time to ask me something more.

I come to my room and lock the door behind myself. I lean against them and close eyes for a while. I hold them closed, shut, trying to get rid of the torturous thoughts. I hide my face in hands and breathe deeply, hardly able to resist tears. No, I´m certainly not okay. I need to rest, but I know that if I´ll try to fall asleep I would meet my nightmares. I should have stayed with Thomas. How could I be so stupid and leave him? For what? Why?

I bite my lip, shake my head and come closer to the mirror, finally going to see myself. I will have to come for the water to wash my face. But at first I want to see what scared Mrs Hughes.

I stare at the mirror and for a while I think about who took my mirror and replaced it with a picture of my ill, pale, thin double. Then I realise it´s really me. This obviously tired and ill person, with white face and black marks under eyes is really Jimmy Kent. I rise one hand and the reflection does the same. I touch my hair and the Jimmy in my mirror puts aside wet wave of hair above his forehead. This is not me! This can´t be me! I´m handsome, gorgeous, shining with health. Where has it gone? What has remained from me?

I can´t watch myself, it´s too painful. It reminds me too much of the reason why I look like this. As if somebody took a knife and made some sign. I feel I´m marked and I can´t get rid of it. This is my punishment, remind of what I´ve do I look like this? Because I left Thomas and suffered from that awful moment behind cemetry.

This won´t lead anywhere. I take the pitcher and go to get myself some water. Luckily I don´t meet anybody on my way so I don´t have to answer the same questions. Have you slept? How are you? What happened? And the worst one – How is Thomas?

I wash the sweat and dust down my face and I look a bit better, but I can´t make the tiredness disappear. I shrug, reconciled with what will happen next. I change into the livery and come down to the office of Mr Carson. I avoid servants´ hall as long as I can. I knock and he calls for me to come inside.

„Good evening, Mr Carson," I say and stand in front of him, not able to look at him. I would have to remember how surprised he looked when I mentioned Mrs Hughes.

„Good evening," he raises head and looks at me. „You look quite tired. Don´t you want to lie down and sleep for a while?"

I gasp and stare at him. Mr Carson asked me if I don´t want to lie down, during the dinner?! I didn´t know I looked that bad.

„I´m fine, thank you." I manage to say instead of something intelligent like _what?!_

„Well then. I´m sure the family is prepared for dinner. You know what to do."

„Yes, I know. Thank you, Mr Carson. For everything." I leave and come to the kitchen. Finally I will have to face Alfred and his stupid questions. How am I supposed to explain why I ran away? To Alfred?

I avoid him, I don´t say a word to him. He stares at me as if I was poisonous or something like that. Well, I don´t argue, I´m perfectly fine with this. Instead, I come to the kitchen, I have to say hello to Daisy.

„Jimmy!" She smiles and surprises me with a hug. I pull her closer. For a little while I can forget how terrible I feel and pretend I´m not such a bad person.

„Hello," I say when she pulls away.

„I don´t have to tell you you look terrible, do I?" She watches me so carefully I feel quite nervous.

„No, you certainly don´t." I frown.

„What is this? Do you think you´d just come and we´d all faint because the great James has returned? I don´t believe the family would like to miss dinner because of this." Mrs Patmore and her hysterical, kinky voice appears.

„I´m sorry Mrs Patmore," I murmur, take the bowl they prepared for me and quickly leave the kitchen.

„James? Could you please come here?" I turn my head behind the sound, trying to find out whose voice it was. I see Lord and Lady Grantham looking at me so I assume it was one of them to call me – I really don´t remember that at all.

„Did you call me, m´lord?" I ask politely and try to keep my eyes opened, even though it´s not easy – it´s very warm in there, silence, no stress… I would fall asleep in the very next moment.

„Yes, we just talked about you, didn´t we, Cora?" She nods and gives me a look full of concern. „And we noticed you look a bit tired. Don´t you want to lie down and have a rest?"

„I´m sorry?" I say, confused. Do I really look so bad even they started to talk about it?

„I´ve spoken to Carson and asked him why he let you serve the dinner while you look ill and he said he tried to stop you, but he felt he would break some promise he´d given you. May I know why are you exhausting yourself so much?" This is getting a bit dangerous. If I say something wrong I might easily offend him. Unfortunately, I can´t force myself to lie.

„If I fell asleep, I wouldn´t wake up for three days. And I promised Mr Carson I´ll be able to work properly this evening. So I have to grit my teeth and stay alive." I hope this was delicate enough. I have no idea what I´ve said, I´m just too busy with keeping myself awake.

„You don´t have to work if you´re ill. I´m sure Carson would understand." Lady Grantham gives me another motherly look.

„Yes he would. But he wouldn´t let me go back to the hospital to visit Thomas if I was ill." I reply, realising I have no chance but tell the truth.

„So that´s why Carson was acting so funny during the morning."

„Yes, that´s right, m´lady. I managed to convince Mr Carson to let me stay. But I have to work." I feel I´m talking about the same things again and again.

„I assure you you will be allowed to go to visit Mr Barrow in the morning, just after you get some sleep." Lord smiles at me as if this solved everything.

„You don´t understand. I hate myself for leaving him even for now. I can´t stay here." I feel a new wave of strength. Nobody will keep me apart from Thomas.

„You won´t help him if you frighten him by what you look like. You should sleep a bit." Her Ladyship doesn´t seem to be willing to give up as well.

„Maybe I should. But I will sleep when I know he´s feeling better. Not before." I say coldly.

„Even if I order it to you?" All the kindness has gone from Lord Grantham´s eyes.

„I would prefer if you didn´t do it. But if it is an order, then I´ll have to disobey, even though it would hurt me, because I really like this job and I don´t want to lose it." I´m still feeling tired, but my brain is working very fast.

„You´re very cheeky, James." Starts the Lord.

„And determined." Lady calms him and touches his arm.

„Of course. Well, I don´t want to do something I´d regret, but honestly, you should think of your health at first. You can go." I leave before he changes his mind. I go into the corner and lean against the wall, closing my eyes and trying to overcome a sharp pain in my forehead. I know I should sleep. I really need it. And yet I can´t force myself to, it would feel wrong.

It´s a very, very long evening but I don´t really know what´s going on. Most of the time I´m trying to pretend I´m not here and not to fall asleep. It seems to me they´re having their pointless chat for longer time than usual, but maybe it´s just me. After the long, exhausting dinner and tea, I´m finally released. Well, not entirely.

„Do you need something, Mr Branson?" I ask the young man who´s approaching me.

„No, but I wanted to offer you some help." He answers. I stop and look at him, trying to figure out what the hell he wants.

„I don´t think you´re supposed to offer me help." I say because it´s true. More or less.

„Okay. Let´s say I insisted on it and you couldn´t do anything else." He looks at me with amusement.

„I can´t disobey. So what´s that secret wish of yours?" Normally, I would enjoy this little talk with him because he´s smart and amusing. But not now when I´m almost sleeping and my head seems to explode in the very next moment.

„I´ll take you to the hospital and sleep there so I can take you back in the morning." I just stare at him. What?!

„I suppose you know when you have to get up." I can only manage to say this. I shouldn´t try to convince him not to go. This is just perfect!

„I know it very well," he just nods. „I insist on it."

„Very well then." I say and follow him because what else should I do?

He lets me sit beside him what I would appreciate if I wasn´t so exhausted. So I´m just sitting here, realising that my employer is driving me to the hospital to see another servant from the house. Male servant. World is crazy. I´m not complaining but this is crazy. Everybody´s been so kind to me… I don´t know this. It´s completely new for me and I just hope it´s not some evil plot against me. That would be cruel and I´m not sure I would stand it.

„I didn´t know you and Thomas were such good friends." Mr Branson just says casually. In a moment I blush. Does he know…? Of course not. But he most probably knows about that event I would prefer not to recall.

„We became friends after the fair. You know, when he was beaten." I manage to say.

„I see. Well, I´m glad you did. He really likes you." Am I wrong or is he smiling a bit? What is going on in here?!

„I know. And I really do like him." I feel as if somebody took my brain and replaced it with some useless thing. I really can´t think of a better answer.

„Of course." He laughs. „Otherwise you wouldn´t run away, exhaust yourself so much and insist on coming back. If you would, you must be crazy."

I don´t know what to say. So I don´t say anything. I notice how the car slowly moves and I feel my eyelids becoming heavier and heavier. I´m trying to stay awake, but it´s futile. I´m too tired and this is too comfortable.


	19. Stupid, useless and unwanted

**_I was so happy for all the reviews I got for the last chapter. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I do. Thanks a lot for being here, I love you all._**

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_I´m running through some field. The plants are almost as high as I am. I don´t recognise it, it might be wheat or rye but I don´t care. It´s shining gold in the moonlight which doesn´t make sense. It´s dark and yet the plants seem to glisten. It´s frightening, but that´s not why I´m running so fast. No, the real threat is somewhere behind me. I know it´s approaching me, it´s pursuading me and I don´t know why. And yet I´m scared to death. My lungs are tingling, I can´t catch breath, the plants thresh me in face, on arms, on legs, on stomach as if they were alive and tried to stop me. And maybe they are. _

_I´m trying to run as fast as possible but I know it´s not enough. I´m lost, the field is infinite and I have no chance to escape. I know so and yet I try to. I can´t give up, right? Because I would betray something…someone. I don´t know. I just know I can´t. Wind started to blow, the plants are now absolutely insane._

_And at last, it reaches me. It doesn´t have any particular form but I know it´s here. I fall down, hard on my back, I´m short of breath and frightened like I´ve never been before. I don´t know why – or what is this – but I´m sure it´s my fault. This creature, this fear comes from me. It´s my worst nightmare, my biggest guilt, my worst crime. And it´s here, prepared to grab me. _

_I try to scream or move, but I´m motionless and silent. I can´t do anything. I´m scared to death and I can´t see any way out. I´m desperate, frightened and frustrated. Actually, there is a way out. It´s just so terrible I haven´t seen it before. If I don´t see the way out… there is surely a way through. I must stop struggle and let it get me. I have no idea what will happen. But I´m sure I can´t stay like this._

_I take a deep breath – the one I´m allowed to – and calm down. I close eyes and my heart slows down. This is the way, I believe. Only for a little while, I look around. And then I see the other possible way. The one I forgot about. Just few centimetres from me, a little yellow bead surrounded by many white arrows as guardians, standing lonely in the huge mess around it. Little flower, almost invisible and yet very strong, steady in the storm. And offering me a help. _

_Daisy._

_And yet, there is no way back. I chose. And I chose wrong. There was a sollution, but I didn´t see it. The daisy breaks and the wind catches it and takes it away. It´s lost. And so am I._

I open my eyes widely and look around. I know this place and yet I don´t remember how I got here. I sit up and try to overcome the panic I feel. There is little light in here, early morning´s sun is shining through windows but the room is full of shadows. I try not to see what I saw in my nightmare, but it´s everywhere. Darkness, desperation and misery. I notice I´m almost completely dressed, I only see the livery on the bedside table but otherwise I have everything put on except of shoes. To be honest, I don´t remember taking them off as well.

Finally I feel I´m prepared to stand up. I place feet on the ground and want stand up. When I finally realise where I am.

Thomas! How could I be so stupid?! How dared I fall asleep?!

I crawl next to the bed hidden behind the white cloth. I´m frightened because I don´t know what I´m gonna see here. But I can´t wait forever. I breathe in and put the cloth aside. Once I´m here, I lost all my courage. I want to close eyes and leave – and dream about better world.

„Thomas?" I whisper and peer into the darkness. I know he´s here but I can´t see him yet. I come closer and my fingers are searching for Thomas´ body.

„Are you here?" In a moment I fear he´s not here. That I was too late and it´s somebody else here. That it´s some other man with completely different name, with a wife and children. That I´m too late to see Thomas because he´s gone. I feel I´m hyperventilating, with futil effort to stay calm. _Thomas?! Where are you?_

„Thomas, please." I moan, desperate. _Tell me you´re here_. I reach a hand. I take it into my fingers and I know it´s Thomas´. It´s the left one, with those scars it took me so much time to see. I fall on my knees and hold Thomas´ hand like a treasure. I´m not late. I didn´t leave him. I don´t have to feel guilty. I feel such a relief I start to weep.

„I´m so glad you´re here." I whimper and kiss the back of his hand. The scars make me feel something very strange and inappropriate. I dream about Thomas letting me see them, accepting they´re part of him, make him beautiful and unique. Eventually I get to dream of him touching me, not just innocent touches and little kisses. A real, passionate and very intensive way of touching. I feel ashamed for such dreaming in this moment, I know I shouldn´t but I can´t help it. In my mind, Thomas is still here, kissing me on the neck and sometimes whispering my name. I can´t fight it. No matter how much I try, I can´t stop my imagination from picturing it. And picturing things I´ve never experienced.

„Jimmy." A silent whisper not unlike the one I was dreaming about sounds. I wake up and quickly stand up for Thomas to see me. But I feel too tall and far away, so I just sit down beside him. And I don´t let his hand go.

„Thomas." I say with joy. „I´m here with you."

I lean above Thomas, to see his face. He looks even thiner and paler than I remember. His eyes are closed, mouth opened as he breathes and all his face is full of pain which tears me into pieces. A single cry escapes my mouth when I dare to touch his cheek. I shouldn´t have done it, because it scares me.

„Thomas, can you hear me?" I cry into his ear, practically lying on his chest. „I´m so sorry for leaving you. It was wrong. I´m sorry."

Thomas´ eyelids start to flicker. It looks like he needs much effort to open eyes. I feel both happy and sad – happy because he´s here and sad because he´s so ill. I wish I could do something. Right now, I can only hope and wait. And that drives me insane.

„Jimmy," Thomas murmurs and tries to smile. His voice sounds even more frightening than before but I try to look I didn´t notice it.

„Hi, darling," I whisper and kiss him on the cheek. I feel his left arm around my waist. He embraces me while I try to avoid lying on him – I fear he might not survive it. And I´m not joking about it. „How´ve you been?" I ask and wipe his forehead with the sleeve of my shirt. Why is he so hot all the time?

„Bad," he manages to cvak and my heart stops. Thomas is not the type of person who complains. If he says he´s feeling bad, he must feel really terrible. Or he didn´t forgive me I left him.

„Love, I´m sorry for leaving you here." I say again and kiss him.

„Okay," he just says and it´s up to me to figure out what he meant by saying this.

„Does it hurt?" I ask even though I don´t want to hear the answer. If it is no, I would know Thomas feels terrible but at least he didn´t give up since he´s still protecting me from any harm. And if the answer is yes… well, then I have a serious problem. That would mean Thomas is broken. I can´t let that happen.

„Yeah." I feel tears in eyes. I´m so useless. I broke Thomas. I´m such a terrible person. „Better with you, though." He adds and I start to really cry. Thomas, you´re such a beautiful person.

„I love you." I only manage to say when he raises right hand and wipes the tears off my cheeks. I smile a little.

„What´s up?" he asks, probably questioning the house. I´m grateful for his question because I can think about something else. Despite it´s not the same when I´m talking and Thomas not. I´m used to hear his comments about what I say and it makes me sad when I don´t get them. When I look into his eyes, I know he´s thinking about the same. It´s very frustrating but we both try not to notice it.

I´m talking and talking and he listens and finally falls asleep. I don´t mind he sleeps and I keep talking because I know that somewhere inside he´s listening. And I feel good – as good as possible in this moment. Now I really do believe everything´s going to be okay. Because it must be.

„Good morning," I turn around where I hear voice of Mr Branson. I know I shouldn´t be lying in the same bed as Thomas. Never mind. So at least I sit up. However, I don´t let Thomas hand go. I´m fascinated by the scars, I don´t know why, but my fingers are running across Thomas´ hand, enjoying this moments of stolen tenderness. Thomas wouldn´t let me do it if he was awake.

„Good morning," I whisper and manage to smile.

„I thought I´d have to wake you up. You slept so deeply. You don´t remember walking here, do you?" He is quiet what I really do appreciate and comes closer, sits down on the chair beside the bed. Politely looks into my eyes, not at my and Thomas´ hands.

„Not at all." I shrug. „You didn´t carry me, did you?"

„No, just supported you a bit." He smirks. „How´s he?"

„I don´t know. At least he seems to be asleep which is good but he feels very tired and he´s weak, exhausted. I don´t know." I say truthfully because I don´t want to lie to him or myself.

„You have to hope." He just says. We´re looking at each other, both trying to guess what the latter thinks about – I´m sure.

„Aren´t you tired? I mean – usually you get up much later, don´t you?" I ask when the silence is unbearable.

„Not really. I can´t sleep so long, I´m getting up sooner. I´m used to life of servant, you know."

„I´ve heard something," I smile when I remember what Thomas said about him. I think lady Sybil must have been a great person. Thomas wouldn´t let anybody say something bad against her. I´m sure this man loved her. What was it like? To lose the most precious person in life? To lose… Okay, I should stop thinking this way. It´ s painful.

„May I ask you something?" He looks straight into my eyes and he looks serious.

„Well, actually you can order me to answer. But yeah, feel free to ask, I´m all yours."

„I hope not, you have to be here for Thomas." I feel I´m blushing, but he doesn´t comment it. „I wanted to ask… What is it like to love somebody, know he loves you back and yet don´t be allowed to show your love?" He looks at me with concern and curiosity. I can´t look at him. As if he asked me what is it like to murder somebody or to steal something. Asking about crime you would never intend to commit but what you´re terribly curious about. I watch his face and try to see any signs of condemnation. That he despises me and judges me because he seems he found out about me and Thomas.

„Is this some kind of test?" I ask and squeeze Thomas´ hand even more. I stop when I realise it.

„No, I´m just- I see. You´re afraid I´ll call the police." He sighs. I raise my head to look at him. „I won´t. Is it enough for you?"

„I´m sorry for accusing you." I bow my head.

„I understand you. I didn´t want to make you afraid."

„Well… it´s wonderful and terrible at once. Wonderful because I feel we have some secret, something what is only ours. And terrible because I´m possesive about him. I want everybody to know he´s mine, I want to claim him, I want to let everybody know I love him. He´s used to it but I? I´m young, I want to show love, to get love, to give love. I want to see he loves me and I would do anything for him. But I can´t because it´s forbidden. Why is my love for him smaller than Romeo´s love for Juliet? Even though, actually, I feel more like Juliet but it doesn´t matter. I love him and I don´t care whether people approve that or not. Why should I care what the others think when everything I need is his love?" I didn´t want to be so emotional but I just let my feelings guide me. Now I´m afraid I was talking too much and that I scared him or made him feel uncomfortable. Just because he doesn´t want to report me he doesn´t want to hear my confesses about my love for Thomas.

„I understand you. I´ve been in very similar position. Only thing that was different is that what I wanted to do was just inappropriate, not forbidden." He looks at the wall where the clock is. I follow his sight. Half past five.

„You didn´t have to get up so early. I should be at Downton at quarter past six." He gives me a half-smile.

„I couldn´t sleep. I think I slept more in last two years than all my life before."

„I wish I could sleep as long as I want to, at least one day." I murmur.

„That´s exactly what I used to think. But when you get it, it´s not as amazing as it sounds. You soon begin to wake up early because you´re used to."

„Only one day. Maybe two," I groan.

„There you go. You could have slept tonight and yet you´re awake." He points on what I already know.

„You know I couldn´t sleep when… I had a nightmare and I think I had an idea what it should have meant and I´m not quite fond of it." I babble. He doesn´t force me to tell him. But I´m sure he listens. Do I want him to know what I fear? I´m not sure. Maybe later…

„Wasn´t it strange? To become a member of a family you once served?" I ask instead.

„It was. Terrible. I didn´t want, but I loved Sybil, I loved her so much…" He sighs and for a moment he looks away. Maybe this wasn´t the best question. Not when I can´t help and look at my love, fighting with illness, aware that even the fact that I love him and desperately need him wouldn´t let him win the battle. Because when I look at Mr Branson, I see how damaged he is, letting it be visible just for a while. And I know he once loved lady Sybil and yet it didn´t save her.

„I – I´m sorry. I have to leave. I´ll come for you when it´s neccessary." He stands up quickly and leaves. _I´m an idiot! I´m such an idiot!_

I sigh and hide my face in one hand, the other still clutching Thomas´. I couldn´t do anything worse. That was so stupid. How would I feel if somebody asked me something like that? Somebody should hit me in the face, punch me and maybe then I would find out how hopelessly stupid I was.

„Don´t blame yourself," I almost jump up in the air. What´s this?

„Thomas?" I turn and see his face. And he´s surely awake.

„Not your fault," he whispers and coughs.

„Of course it is. But don´t talk about it. I want you to have a rest." I smile, lean forward and kiss him on one cheek. And he seems to be so feverish, so hot and so exhausted.

„I´m sleeping all day." He complains and tries to keep eyes open – I see how much he struggles.

„Yes. Because that´s the only way to get better. You have to believe you´re gonna be okay. And you have to sleep. And you should know I love you." I know I´m ridiculous, I act funny and if somebody saw me, he would definitely say I´m foolish. But I don´t care.

„It was sweet when you were talkin´ ´bout me." Thomas smirks but coughes again, curls into a ball and his hand goes off mine. I blush when I remember what I said.

„It was true. And I thought you were asleep." I say, but soon look into his face.

„Thomas? Do you want something? I mean really. Can I help you?" I ask even though he tries to look away and pretend he´s not here.

„Just stay with me," he says and falls asleep again. Despite I told him it was okay, I don´t feel like that. It´s not okay. I have to stay calm. But it´s not easy. I´m getting mad, I´m insane and I feel I´m going to have that terrible experience again. I can´t fight it.

_You can´t do anything. You´re useless. What did you think? That you just come back and everything will be settled?_ A silent whisper sounds from everywhere and nowhere. I´m turning my head in all directions but it doesn´t lead anywhere. I can´t see the whatever makes those sounds.

_Everything will be solved, done, and waiting for you to love him? You stupid fool!_ I cry in despair. This is so terrible. I fall down on my knees and cover my ears with hands. It scares me so much.

_You´re the worst person who has ever lived. Who do you think you are? Friend? If you were his friend you wouldn´t hurt him so much. Lover? If you loved him, you wouldn´t leave for that stupid dinner. You´re useless_. I hear it anyway. I bow my head against the floor and moan. I´m kneeling, forehead resting on the floor and I try not to hear something what exists only in my head.

_He would feel better without you. You just bother him, cause pain to him, distract him from recovering. Why do you stay here? Nobody likes you. World would be much better place without you. You should leave somewhere. To nowhere, for the best._ I groan. Please. No matter what this is, it hurts. Please. Whatever is this. Stop it. Please.

_Don´t lie to yourself. Even you think you´re a terrible person. You hate yourself. Why would others like you? You´re nothing, just a little child with pretty face. You´re childish, you know nothing about life._ I feel hysterical. I´m breathing too fast, tears are running down my face and I know this ca nebe dangerous.

_Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Useless. Idiot._ I scream. I´m screeching, but I don´t hear it. I know I am, but my head and ears are full of the whispering sounds. I feel like falling down into some abyss. And then I reach the bottom and since that I don´t remember anything.


	20. Keep calm, stay strong

_**I really, really do apologize you had to wait for so long for this. it´s the end of school year and I´ve been a bit busy. I´m sorry. Enjoy the chapter.**_

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„Jimmy? Jimmy! Calm down. Everything´s okay. You just need to rest." Somebody´s shaking my shoulder. I don´t look at him, I only gasp, my throat is sore because of the scream. I don´t move, I´m too weak. But I try not to hear the whispering voices in my head.

„Can you hear me? Just let me know you can. You don´t have to talk, just calm down and breathe." I feel somebody´s gentle hands on my back and I try to calm down as the voice tells me to, but I´m not able to.

„Breathe. Think of nice things. Everything shall be alright. The only thing you have to do is to calm down." The voice is soothing me and despite how much I want to obey it, it´s still not possible.

„Jimmy, you should wake up. Thomas is worried about you," I let the words come to my mind, I let their meaning swallow it up. I feel a need to open my eyes, even though I´m not quite sure why. I loose the grip of my fists and make myself sit up on my heels. I´m staring in front of myself, but I don´t see anything. It doesn´t make sense. Nothing does.

„Oh you´re awake, thank goodness." I hea _!: :r an exclaim and turn around in the direction of the sound.

„Sir, if it doesn´t bother you, I need your help to get him in bed now when he´s conscious." I hear unfamiliar female voice. I´m not paying attention to what she says since she can´t talk to me because the sentence is too difficult. I miss its point.

„Of course," voice I barely remember even though I know I should know it answers. In the same time, a pair of arms makes me stand up even though I´m not overly fond of it. My head is spinning and all the things that began to be clear dwindled away again. I let whoever holds me guide me and when I feel something behind my back, I obediently lie down as the hands make me. Somebody covers me with a blanket and I close my eyes as I feel my lids growing heavier. Just before I fall asleep, some thought is flickering through my mind, but it disappears before I can catch it.

I wake with terrible headache. I want to slip back into unconsciousness but I´m not able to when I´ve already woken up. I concentrate on my surroundings, trying to figure out where I am and why. I recognise the hospital, but that doesn´t solve the other question. Recalling is a painful process but at the end I know I have a problem.

„How do you feel?" Mr Branson is approaching my bed. I try to sit up since it´s not appropriate – he´s still my master. Or have I already been sacked?

„Terrible," I say and give up the effort to sit up when I see sparklets in front of my eyes.

„I think I can believe you." He sits down by my side.

„I have to return." I say even though I can´t move.

„No. You have to stay here and have a rest." He pins me back as if I tried to really go away. If only I could. „Mr Carson told me to keep you here."

„I don´t believe you," I hiss.

„Never mind." He shrugs. „It doesn´t matter since you can´t drive."

„I can walk." I say even though I´m pretty sure this is a lie.

„Of course. And fly." He laughs. „Come on. You should have a rest. The world will keep spinning even if you sleep."

„I´ve just woken up. And I´m alright. Will you please drive me back to Downton?" I murmur impatiently and eyes wandering from him across the whole room. I didn´t know what I was searching for before I realised I can´t see Thomas. I panic and forget about my will to go back to work.

„I said I wouldn´t-" he starts but I cut him off which might be very rude but I´m not in the right state to act politely.

„Where´s Thomas?" I yelp and I clutch his hand tightly, with terror in voice.

„He´s alright, don´t worry." He says and doesn´t try to get rid of my hand even though I´m sure I hurt him.

„But where is he?" I cry in despair, looking around but not spotting anyone. Where did everybody go? There were two more patients, right?

„He´s in the very next room. I would tell you if he wasn´t." I look into his eyes and try to overlook the uncertainty in them. He´s lying. I´m sure he´s lying. Something´s wrong and I don´t know what.

„What´s the matter? Tell me!" I forget all manners, forget that I´m right now yelling at my superior. Why would it matter if Thomas is in danger? The only reason why I wanted to stay at Downton was Thomas. But if he… No. I can´t afford to think like that.

„Nothing really. You´re just tired. Don´t you want me to bring you anything?" He looks genuinly concerned, but I´ve already seen that short weak point. He´s hiding something.

„No, I´m perfectly alright." I hiss angrily. I know it´s not his fault, that he´s trying to help me, but I can´t. Days and nights of frustration, pain and uncertainty finally show up and I can´t stop it. I don´t want to make him feel bad, but I have no choice. It´s already here and I´m not strong enough.

„Jimmy, calm down. I assure you you are just tired and you see everything too dark. You will be better if you sleep a bit more." His voice is soft and tranquil. I want to obey him. He doesn´t influence me as much as Thomas does but I know he´s right. I´m over reacting. I know that for sure. And yet I have to argue.

„I´ve gotta see Thomas!" I shriek, forgetting the language as well. That didn´t happen for a long time. I know everything´s bad when I´m using this kind of English.

„You don´t. Thomas is going to be alright. I promise. But now you should have a rest, it won´t be easy for you now." He sighes and I see worries in his face once again. That´s it. I lost my temper.

„What´s the matter with him?! You know it! Why don´t you tell me?!" I shriek and sit up very quickly which makes my head almost explode. I shut my eyes for a while and fight back sparkles of fury in front of my eyes.

„You´re not able to stand it. I want to protect you." He says without any sign of anger. If he is so good, why doesn´t he tell me what I need to know?

„I can handle it. I have to know that!" I cry in despair, tears running down my cheeks. I notice some nurse has entered the room; I don´t know her. I don´t pay attention to her, she´s not important right now.

„I´m sorry, Jimmy. But this is the best for you." He whispers and nods at the nurse, who comes closer to me. I feel a short moment of pain and then I don´t remember anything again.

I wake up again with even worse headache. I blink few times in attempt to fight the sharp pain in my forehead. I sigh and give the effort up. Instead, I begin to explore my surroundings and memory. I remember shouts, hysteria, urge to punch somebody. I remember misery and then… nothing. I simply don´t know. I feel numb, with an empty place where my brain should be. I feel as if somebody washed my head, causing all usable pieces of my wits leave for holiday.

I sit up because I´ve been tired of lying, ignoring my protesting ringing skull. I stretch myself what my spine seems to really appreciate as I hear several crunches as my vertebrae greet each other. My shoulders protest against such an amount of movement but I don´t care. I have to be able to exist. I manage to stand up with only few silent curses.

I don´t recognize this room. I look around and when I realise there´s nothing interesting in here, I walk very slowly to the door, finding opening it very difficult. What´s the matter with me? Why am I so weak? When I get out of the room, I have to lean against the wall beside the door, closing eyes for a while.

After few slow inhales I open eyes with a groan and find myself standing few steps from a staircase. I´m not quite sure I´ll be able to climb it down, but what worse can happen to me than falling down? Everything hurts me anyway. I wipe sweat off my forehead, incidentally noticing how hot my flesh seems to be. I notice I´m shivering and have goose bumps all over my body. I don´t feel cold, but I´m pretty sure I have a fever. Am I ill?

Without any real chance to figure that out, I just walk over the corridor, my bare feet pattering loudly. Somebody has given me different clothes because I don´t remember taking off what I had been wearing before I passed out.

I´m exhausted in the middle of the corridor, but I grit my teeth and force my trembling, aching limbs to move forward. I reach the railing and almost fall on the wall. I breathe quickly, with difficulties. I almost cry. But I can´t let the weakness take over me. I have to stay strong. I don´t remember why, but I´m pretty sure it was important for me when I was more aware of my life.

After few more minutes, I convince myself to continue. I practically lie on the railing, slipping down, touching the ground just occasionally. My arms are quaking and weak, but I´m determined to get down. When I reach landing between two floors, I fall down on the ground, curl up and begin to cry. I will never get down. I shall die here, alone and unaware of what was so important for me before. I´m sobbing which makes me shiver. Or maybe it´s just the fever.

„Oh gods, Jimmy, what are you doing here?" I hear a familiar voice and I force myself to look at the person who´s obviously talking to me. At least I think Jimmy is my name. His picture is shaking in front of my eyes because my vision is not as clear as I would want it to be. But I notice light-blue eyes and short blonde hair; and a face I should know. I´m sure I know this person, but I´m not in a state to remember.

„Walking down," I croak and hiccup.

„Why? You should lie in bed and rest." His arms embrace me and helps me up. I don´t have any strenght to try to stop him.

„I don´t know," I whimper and bury myself in his warm arms. I feel his heartbeat and it´s very comforting.

„I shouldn´t take you there. But you would kill me if I didn´t when you get better." I don´t understand any letter of what he says but he helps me go further so I don´t complain. The stairs are torturing. I want to cry because all my body aches, but I don´t want my savior to think I´m a little child. It´s only few steps and finally we´re down. He doesn´t let me go anyway which I´m grateful for because I wouldn´t be able to walk without him. He takes me to a room I know I´ve already seen before. It´s much bigger than the one I woke up in, and there are more beds. The one in the farthest corner of the room is hidden behind some white cloth. And I know that´s where I´m going to. I moan when I realise how long way it is.

„Do you want to sit down or something?" he asks with worries in voice.

„No, I – I´m okay." I swallow all the words of pain I want to say. He nods and helps me go there. I feel I might not be able to stand awake for too long.

Finally we reach the bed we were heading to and I fall down on the chair beside it. I have to close my eyes for a while.

„Jimmy, before you look at Thomas, you should know that he´s suffering from a very serious disease and I don´t deny it doesn´t look very well for him. However, you have to be strong. Do you hear me? He needs patience and silence. And you shall give him that. Okay?" He looks very determined to make sure I understand what he wants to say. I´m really trying to see the sense, but I can´t. I´m not able to. However, I know I have to see Thomas. Thomas who´s the reason why I am here, who I almost forgot about. Thomas. How could I forget?

„Okay," I whisper and he leaves me. On one hand I´m glad he did, but on the other I´m frightened. What if…

„Thomas!" I squeak. „No, no, no. It´s not you. This is not you. Where´s my Thomas? You were so beautiful. Where are you, Thomas?" I cry as I fall down on the bed, clutching the bedcloth in both hands.

„Come back. Come back to me, love. I need you. Please," I whimper as my tears fall down on Thomas´ pale, skinny chest. This is not Thomas. No. He can´t be.

„Why did you run away from me? I need you to be here. I beg you, Thomas. Stay with me." I won´t accept Thomas would ever leave me. Never. I know Thomas will return. He might not look well now, but he must return. It´s unevitable. I´m sure.

„Thomas, come back. I will be good. I will never hurt you, I will always care for you. Just come back, please." I cry and take his hand into mine, just to notice how fragile he is. Oh please, Thomas, don´t leave me…

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_**I really apologize for keeping you waiting for this passing out, sick chapter. But please, leave me a review anyway.**_


	21. Just close your eyes

_**Uhm, uhm *coughs as she tries to disappear* I am an AWFUL person and I am very sorry for making you wait so long. I can´t even say how much sorry I am and I hope you can forgive me.**_

_**I would like to thank you if you waited for this chapter, you are wonderful.**_

_**I would like to dedicate this chapter to Davy Tex. I´m sorry I took so much time that you had to write me a message. But see? It worked. :D**_

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„Hey, Jimmy, I´ve brought you some tea." Mr Branson comes and gives me mug of tea. I see steam rising from the liquid inside and I feel better even seeing it.

„Thank you. You shouldn´t have." I smile and take it from him.

„Why?" he smiles and sits down on chair on the other side of Thomas´ bed. He looks at him with concern and then turns his sight to me, if I can say even more worried. That doesn´t make sense. I am just tired and got some cold, I´m almost alright. I ignore it.

„Well, I´m still a servant and you are still my lord, so it might be a bit inappropriate." I smile shyly and hope he won´t take the tea from me.

„I´m aware that Carson would probably kill us both if he knew, but I thought I made it clear – I used to be a servant for more years than a lord." Corners of his lips wriggle as he smiles. I see rays of sun shining through windows and I already feel my body relaxing, smile spreading across my face.

„What day is today?" I ask because I don´t have any notion of time.

„Tuesday, 26th April." He answers and doesn´t ask that usual ´why´ I expected to hear. Well maybe it is logical that he doesn´t ask. Last time I checked it was twentieth. Damn.

„Mr Carson will kill me. After a long and painful telling off." I groan.

„I´m afraid you will have to go through that telling off, he doesn´t have much sympathy for those who fall ill when the family is preparing for the season and everything. But I think you´re exaggerating when you say he´ll kill you. Maybe just a little bit." He has such a catching smile I feel my lips forming into a grin without me actually noticing.

„And for that, you should be in a good condition," he adds and looks straight into my eyes. „You should get some fresh air. Strech your muscles. Go for a walk. I´m sure you´ll feel much better."

„I appreciate your concern, but…" my voice breakes as my eyes find Thomas´ motionless face, pale, sweaty and thin.

„Of course you can leave him. I´ll guard him for you." He says flatly. I want to say something but he goes on before I actually manage to breathe in to complain.

„You won´t help him by sitting here and staring into the wall in front of yourself. You´ll see you´ll feel much better when you wash your worries from your head. And you´ll have more faith." He looks straight at me as if to show me what is my problem. I sigh and stand up, legs aching. I didn´t realise how much time I spent just sitting and lying and being desperate. I frown as I watch myself. I suppose I look quite lamentably, I didn´t take care of myself very well lately. I blush as I realise so.

„Don´t you know if I can…you know… change and shave and stuff like that somewhere in here?" I say, ashamed.

„Sure. You know, I´ve been living here for some time." He smiles and maybe I´m paranoid, but I think I saw amusement in his eyes. „Go upstairs and turn right. There´s some bathroom and I suppose I´ve seen your livery in there as well."

„Thanks," I nod and leave. Yeah, I spent almost a week in the same clothes and they weren´t even mine. What a man I am.

I find the bathroom quickly and come in. When I was picturing a hospital bathroom, I thought there would be a bath tub, sink and maybe some window or something. But this is huge. I have never seen such a luxury bathroom before. I undress quickly and turn on the water. After a while I climb in and lie down into the hot pleasure. I close my eyes and let all my worries melt, at least for a while. After few minutes of almost sleeping, I wake up and take a sponge and bar of soap I found here and start to wash myself. It never felt so good to just have a bath. I think I could spent days in here.

But I don´t have days so soon I leave the water with regret. I find some towel and feel like the girl in that story where she finds the cottage of some bears and eats their food and sleeps in their beds. Everything is just so perfect in here. And not meant for me.

When I am dry, I watch myself for a while. I don´t look like the Jimmy Kent who came to Downton more than two years ago. I am thinner, paler and more worried. But at least it´s me. I used to be worse. I realise I have two choices – either to wear used underwear or to wear no underwear. It´s a tough deciding but when I remember what did these pants go through, I choose to just not wear them. I throw them to the sink to wash them and for this time get dressed without them. It feels strange but I have no choice.

When I´m done with that, I shave my face. Of course I don´t have my razor here, but I suppose Mr Branson realised so and won´t mind if I use it. I just shrug and do it. After more than half an hour in the bathroom, I feel like a human being again. I almost smile at my reflection in the mirror.

„Jimmy, is it you? You look completely different!" Mr Branson exclaims when I appear in the hall. I smirk at him and resist urge to poke him. He´s still the master.

„You now, I just used that useful thing that´s called water. Maybe you can try it some day as well." I say and pass him by towards the door.

„Yeah, you should show me what made you change so much." He grins and in this very moment he looks very different than a lord should look.

„Take good care of him and maybe I´ll show you." I open the gate and the cold air hits my face. Normally I would just curl and return back, but now it feels very good to just stand here and freeze. I feel my brain is being put together again. „Good bye, see you soon."

„Have a good time," He calls after me and I close the door.

I am wandering in the streets with no real purpose. I just try not to think because thinking means memories and I don´t want to remember. I want to feel no worry, at least for a while. I keep walking, one step by another, the wind is blowing and slight mist is all around me, clutching me in its cold grasp. I don´t have any idea what time it is, but it must be a day because it´s light. Nevertheless, I´ve only met few people so maybe it´s morning and people are either at work or – especially women – at home. I know I should go back to work, but I don´t feel I can. One more day will neither save nor destroy the world and I suppose today is important. I don´t know why, but I am sure it is.

Suddenly, I see that cemetry in front of me. I feel dizzy for a while and then I just turn around and walk away as quickly as I can. I am scared to death now. As if some cold hand touched me, grabbed me and didn´t release me. Soon I begin to run, but it doesn´t work. I´m trying to flee the fear, but it´s moving, it holds me and suffocates me. I almost scream and yet I´m not able to make a single sound. In a moment, I have to stop, looking around, feeling nauseous. I have never experienced something like this before. My chest aches as I try to catch breath, my lungs are calling for oxygen they don´t get. I have a panic attack and I don´t know how to stop it.

My feet hit the pavement in irregular pace, with loud thuds. I´m short of breath but I don´t really care, I can´t care. I feel my cheeks flushed because of the cold air, I sense wind in my hair and I move forward forced by some unknown might. I don´t look anywhere, I don´t even care if I am acting strange or if people stare at me. I don´t know my destination, I simply let my legs carry me where I am supposed to be. I know there are tears in my eyes because the wind hitting me is really strong and cold and it irritates my eyes. I don´t wipe the tears away, I let them flow down my cheeks because why should I care about what is going on?

I run through the door of the hospital and suddenly stop. Why am I here? My subconsiousness led me here, without me intending to do so. I´m scared. I recall that strange moment in which I thought death touched me, when I froze, unable to move, too frightened to do anything. Was it some kind of prophecy, did I feel something was wrong and made myself believe I wasn´t aware of it? I fight that thought immediately. It must have been nothing.

Even if I trust I am right when I think it was nothing, I have to check it. I find the room where Thomas was last time, while I run fingers through my hair in attempt to get them into some order. My steps are not as loud as they should be, there is some noise that shouldn´t be here. Not if everything was alright. I run again, trying to open that door but my hands are shaking so badly I can´t even find the handle. I´m about to start screaming with frustration or something when I finally fall into the room.

The first thing I notice is doctor Clarkson and some nurse leaning above some bed. I pray to every god I know that it´s not Thomas. I hurry to them and I try to fight my rising panic. When I calm a bit, I hear a terrible cough. If I ever thought what I heard from Thomas was awful, I don´t have words for this. It sounds so desperate, so full of pain. I come as close as I dare to watch doctor Clarkson work. He frowns as he tells his orders to the nurse. I bite my lip to keep myself from screaming and come almost to the bed.

My heart skips a beat when I recognise Thomas. I´m very sure it´s him even though he´s lost most of his gorgeousness within last few weeks. I cover my face with hands because I don´t want to shriek – and I´m not very far from that to be honest. I know I won´t help anyhow if I try to interfere but it´s painful to stand here and watch how helpless they are.

It is of no importance, I feel I will pass out in the very next moment. The nurse holds Thomas in upright position and he coughs and coughs and coughs. I see some bowl on his lap and it takes me some time to realise what does this mean. Well, not much time when I see Thomas curling in another painful wave of cough and he stops just to spit out a red clot of blood.

_No. Please no. Tell me I´m wrong._

The doctor frowns even more. He looks so helpless, so desperate. There must be something! They can´t let Thomas just die! I want to cry, to scream to pull them away from Thomas, anything. And instead, I just stand here just like they do, and stare at Thomas´ pain.

As if I didn´t care, as if it meant nothing, as if Thomas was nothing. I should be here for him instead of gazing at him. But I can´t force myself to move.

It has been a few painful minutes before he stops coughing. I notice Doctor Clarkson giving him some injection before the nurse leans him against the pillows behind his back. I see Thomas´ eyes are open and that frightens me more than anything. His usually beautiful, thoughtful eyes look tired, sore and weary. I resist urge to fall down to my knees and curl into a ball. I must be strong for Thomas.

„James, you shouldn´t have seen it." Doctor Clarkson tells me, face concerned. He is silent but I feel like his words are burning my brain. I blink few times before I give up the effort to understand what is going on.

„Why?" I whimper, voice even more shaking than I thought it would be.

„Nobody should see their beloved in such a state. It´s bad enough for me." He says and he frowns even more than before. Is he hiding something…?

„You have to tell me everything. Please. I can stand it." I beg with my best puppy-eyes. Not the best idea, I know but I´m desperate. When I see how he gives a lurch, I´m very sure he is hiding something from me.

„I mustn´t tell you anything. You´re not his family." He says softly but flatly. „I´m sorry."

„Don´t say you´re sorry. It sounds too final." I murmur, eyes filling with tears. Have I really said so?

„I apologise. Excuse me, James. I´ve done my best for him in this moment." He stares at me for some time and when I don´t respond he simply leaves. I watch his disappearing back as I whisper: „Don´t say I´ve done my best for him."

I move towards Thomas and I sit down with a sigh. Then I realise where I am and wipe away the tears and try to smile even though it´s the last thing I want to do now. Less appeasing than digging my own grave and burying myself inside of it.

„Thomas," I whisper as I turn to him. I try not to give away how much he scares me but I´m not successful. I´m very sure he realises so, but it´s hard to tell, he has no expression upon his face but pain. It hurts me to see him like this. He is so skinny. I try to overlook those shallow holes in his cheeks, as much as dark marks under his exhausted eyes. But it´s not possible to hide how painful it is for me to hold his hand, his fingers that are not more than bones covered with skin. His hands are hot but it´s hard to notice so as he sweats a lot. I try to convince myself it looks worse than it is.

Thomas tries to say something, but the only sound that comes from his throat isan inarticulate stridor. I squeeze his fingers a bit to let him know I´m here and he squeezes back so slightly I´m afraid I only pictured it. It was barely noticeable but I´m quite sure it´s the only thing Thomas is capable of doing right now and I have to blink many times to fight the tears that are getting into my eyes again. I must stay strong.

„I´m sorry I wasn´t here. I had to go out." I apologise and he tries to nod.

„I won´t leave you until you are alright, I promise." I swear and mean it seriously. He looks at me with even sadder expression and I think he tries to tell me something, but I can´t read his message. I ignore it and begin to talk about something else. I choose some harmless topics, another stories from my childhood, some of them happy, some of them less happy. I don´t stop when he looks tired or not focused because I know from previous days that even though he doesn´t really hear me, he perceives my voice and it should make him feel safe. I don´t know if it is true, but he looks calmer. Sometimes he coughs and I have to use all my strenght not to jump into the air every time he does it.

I feel my eyes closing from exhaustion but I don´t go away. I hold Thomas´ hand, sometimes I caress his cheek, sometimes I push back his hair. I pretend everything is alright even though it´s not. The doctor is here too often to my liking. Of course, I am happy he´s here for Thomas, that he cares, but it makes me nervous. He´s here almost every hour and it doesn´t really calm me down.

„How are you doing?" Mr Branson sits on the other side of Thomas and smiles at me. I look at him and rise the tips of my mouth a bit.

„I´ve already been better. But I´ll survive." My voice is rough as my throat aches from the whole day of talking.

„You both will," he gives me a reassuring smile. If only I had the belief he has.

We are silent for few moments, Thomas fast asleep between us. We scan his face with worries; he doesn´t look relieved, he doesn´t look better at all. He frowns even now when he´s almost unconscious. He doesn´t look sweet, innocent or not worried as people usually look when they sleep. He looks as bad as usual.

„You know, Carson is not very happy about you being here. Your only luck is that Cora is obviously very fond of you and calms him down. But you know him; the worst thing about war were missing footmen." He meant it as a joke – I think – but the end of his sentence sounds very bitter.

„He doesn´t really think so, does he?" I ask with fear.

„I don´t suppose. But you never know with Carson. He won´t let you be here for too long. You should come back. He´s given you too much privilegies for you to throw it over your head." He looks straight into my eyes, but I avoid his sight.

„I know it. I realise it every moment I don´t worry about Thomas." I smirk as I remember it´s not much of my time. „But I can´t leave him here. I told you so and I´ll tell anybody who will ask. It hurts me because I don´t want to lose my job but I feel it´s important to stay here."

„I understand you. But you know, you might… forget about it for a while if you worked." I stare at him for a while.

„Would you do it?" I whisper. I know I shouldn´t ask something like that. Surely not my employer; but I can´t help it. He seems to be thinking for some time. His eyes avoid mine when he finally answers.

„No. I would stay here. I´m sorry, Jimmy, I shouldn´t have said so."

„It´s okay, you are right. The problem is that when you are in that situation you can´t really do what is right or logical." I sigh and without thinking trail my fingers over Thomas´ jaw.

„This is too depressing. We should do something else than try to solve philosophical problems of mankind." He stands up again. Then I notice doctor Clarkson, who´s here again. It hasn´t been an hour. He tries to hide worried frown, but I see it anyway. He nods at me and sits on the chair Mr Branson left vacant. I hesitate but then stand up as well and let him working while I´m led away from here.

We go into the garden and he forces me to walk even though I don´t want to. I feel too drawn to Thomas; that I miss something important by staying here. I´m not allowed to go back – and I´m reminded of the fact that he´s still my superior and have to obey. I try to distract myself, but I´m not able to. He talks but I don´t really listen to him, my eyes travel across the building in front of us in attempt to see somebody there.

Suddenly I feel dizzy and I fall down before I can stop myself. My legs tremble, hands shake as if I had a terrible fever and my mind is blank. Mr Branson immediately hurries to me, kneels down and rises my head to look at him. He scans me for a while.

„When did you eat last time?" He frowns at me. I try to remember but then I just shrug and smile innocently. He pulls me up on my feet, puts my arm on his shoulders that makes me giggle. He´s so tall, isn´ he? He takes me inside and sits me on some chair. I wait until he leaves and then flee, feeling too weak but I have to stand it.

I make my way back to Thomas´ room just to find doctor Clarkson leant above Thomas, probably checking his heart rate. I walk towards him slowly and close my eyes as I feel hot tears in them. I´ve never seen anything as desperate as his expression. I try to fight it, but I´m not able to.

Warm, firm pair of arms close around me, holding me tight. I lean into the embrace, feeling some of the preassure I´ve felt for some time disappear. Whoever it is to hold me, he doesn´t ask anything. I just weep; I´m too exausted for crying. After few moments, I´m too weak even for that. I wipe my tears away and leave Mr Branson´s arms. He just nods, his face expressionless.

„Just… be here for him, now. He needs somebody to be with him, James." The doctor passes me by and gives a a troubled look.

„What do you mean?!" I squeak, feeling coming hysteria again.

„That should take whatever strenght you have left in you and be there for him." He says firmly. I nod and walk stiffly to Thomas. Mr Branson stays behind me and I don´t know if I am glad or not. They walk away, talking and I don´t like the expressions on their faces. I shake it away and concentrate on Thomas.

He seems to be more distant than present. I want to scream but I can´t. I clutch his hand in mine and watch him. Suddenly, I feel certainty that this is going in the wrong direction. I don´t know how I know it. I don´t admit it to my conscious mind because I don´t want to accept it. But my instinct tells me there is only one way from this situation.

„Thomas," I whisper, eyes upon him. I might be wrong, but in case I´m not, I don´t want him to think I left him. He opens eyes with effort and looks at me.

„Can you hear me? Just blink or nod or anything." I whimper, trying to control my voice and face, but am not particularly able to. He nods a bit.

„I just… I wanted you to know that I love you, Thomas. I know I have told it to you before, but I wanted you to hear it again. I love you. And I´m sorry I didn´t realise it before all this mess. I wish we didn´t have to spend so many months apart. I´m sorry."

He looks at me and I might be picturing it, but I would swear he smiled at me. I watch him but don´t say anything, because there is nothing to say. It´s hard to keep my eyes open, but I manage to not fall asleep. I hold Thomas´ hand while he just sleeps.

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„Thomas, Thomas, wake up! Can you hear me? Wake up!" I screech as I feel the grip in my hand loosen but what´s more important, the blood preassure in it disappear as well. I freeze on place. I´m not even able to call for help. I just sit here and gasp for air.

_No, Thomas, no! You mustn´t leave me. Please! _

The doctor must have heard me because he hurries by the other side of Thomas and puts two fingers on Thomas´ neck. He holds them there and then pulls away, looking at me.

„I´m sorry, James."

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_**Okay. Now you can all hate me. *Runs away and hides* I´m really sorry you had to wait so long for THIS. I´m sorry. But I wanted to do it since I began to write thsi story. With every single review asking me for sparing Thomas I felt more guilty, but I´ve never even considered anything else, I´ve never wanted to change this. I´m sorry if you expected otherwise, but this was planned back in March, this very bit of this story. The rest was clouded, but this was clear.**_

_**I am aware this is cruel and I didn´t write what you wanted. But I´m not sorry for doing it. I´m sorry for you, for keeping you wait so long for this, but I´m not sorry for this. **_

_**by the way: If some of you wonder what I have been doing during the more than one and half a month between the last chapter and this I discovered Star Trek. *sighs* I´m completely lost in it, to be honest. I´m obssessed, hopelessly. If you are a trekkie as well and you´d wish to know what EXACTLY I was doing, you can check my Star Trek stories. :) **_

_**Thank you for your attention.**_


	22. I release you

_**I apologize for how much time it took me. However, I needed to get into the right mood for writing this and I couldn't achieve that while I was on holiday because there was somebody around me all the time. I hope you can forgive me.**_

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I remain sitting and staring as people are rushing around me. I don´t pay attention to anyone because my mind is somewhere else. I watch the wall in front of me and my mind wanders through different places and memories. I cannot accept this, I push it from my mind. I don´t feel pain, I don´t need to cry. I don´t allow my mind to dwell on the fact that –

_NO! _

I bite my lip to keep myself focused. I concentrate on a small crack on the white wall in front of me. Small spider in a corner, its thin silver web. I stare at it with such an effort my eyes hurt. I don´t blink because I feel that if I closed my eyes, I would let my mind go where I don´t want it to go. My sore eyelids smart but I ignore the pain so my body reacts independently; first hot tear flowing down my cheek and others following it.

_Don´t cry. Don´t cry. I don´t want to cry. I mustn´t cry._

My lower lip begins to tremble as the first sob wants to escape my chest. I don´t want to let it out. Once I fail to control myself, I´ll be beyond help. I have to stay strong, for someone, somebody I don´t want to remember. I mustn´t fall.

_You did nothing. You are nothing. Why should you live? Nobody cares for you. _

I hide my face into hands and let it go. I´m not strong enough to maintain control of myself. How could I even think I would? It was nonsence. I am useless, worthless, weak. My head falls on my knees and I embrace my thighs, curling into a ball and shivering. I'm weak, vulnerable and I have nobody to care for me, to stand by my side.

_Everybody left you. Every single person in your life has left you. You are nothing._

I moan as my tears soak into the fabric of my trousers. I try to fight what my subconsciousness is telling me, I am searching for logical reasons to push it back, but I can´t. I know I shouldn´t let it get into my mind, but I´m too weak, I´ve always been. It was never easy to keep calm when something happened. It is so difficult not to blame myself.

_Because you are to blame. Don´t you think he would stay if he wanted to put up with you?_

I gasp for air. Of course. Why would he leave if I was worth staying with? If he wanted to be here with me, he would stay. He was so strong. He would fight to stay here with me if he wanted to. No. He didn´t. Even he thought I was a useless idiot with a pretty face. That´s why he wanted me, right? Because I am handsome. He never saw more in me; he couldn´t see more in me as there is nothing more in me.

_No there´s nothing more than your pretty face. And what will remain from you when you grow old and your beauty vanishes? _

Pretty face. Pretty face and shallow humour. Not something to be proud of. I am as worthless as a man can be.

_That´s why you left me, Thomas? _

I send the silent question to him, not expecting any answer. As if it mattered. He has left. I immediately sit up and wipe the tears off my face. Maybe I can talk to him. I´ve already talked to him, haven´t I? Why shouldn´t it work now? I stand up and without looking back, I rush towards door. I hear somebody calling after me but who would need me?

_I´m going to get you, Thomas. I promise._

I run through familiar places but I don´t see them. They don´t matter. Wind is blowing against my face and I feel cold. It wakes me up and I feel as if I have never had as much energy as I have now. I keep my eyes opened widely and I swallow huge gulps of air without processing them or using the oxygen from them. I feel I´m hyperventilating but I can´t stop it. My throat aches, my chest aches, my brain wants oxygen and yet I don´t stop. I´m not important.

_Please, don´t take me away now. I have to talk to him before I die._

The simple thought goes through my mind but I don´t understand its meaning; I just know it´s important. It might help. Who knows. I stumble and fall down, scrape the skin of the palms of my hands away, but I don´t stop. If I can´t walk, I shall crawl.

_Nothing will keep me away from you, Thomas._

I promise and kneel up, steadying myself on my knees. When I feel I might be able to stand up, I do. I look up at the sky and for a while I feel a part of something bigger. I stare at the stars and I feel I belong somewhere. They are shining like little diamonds scattered all over a dark blue dress of a powerful goddess, mother of everybody and everything. I stare at them and sense the smell of something greater, something better. This is where I want to belong and I do belong here. Here, I don´t have to be ashamed of who I am, because our Mother loves us all. She didn´t make us perfect but she loves us all. I feel fresh tears streaming down my face.

_If you love me, why did you take him from me? I need him._

I cry but nothing happens. I don´t receive any answer. In a while I wake up from my trance; this was not real. Am I going mad? I don´t believe in gods, goddesses or any kind of such things. What made me think of one? I shake my head, stand up and begin to run again; slowly and hesitantly at first, but with more and more urge and need with every step I take. And finally I am here.

_Thomas, where are you? You promised to wait for me._

I stare blankly at the wall, taking the last few steps to reach the gate. I run my fingers over the ivy that covers the stones and I try to feel something. He was here. He should be here. I need him. My fingers clutch the rails of the the gate, I feel the soft, delicate skin of them tearing and opening; warm blood running down my hands as my knuckles go white from the strength I use. I tighten the grip even more, as if I could call Thomas by this single action.

_Do not hide._

Suddenly a bright lightning intersects the night´s sky and I shudder. I am blind for a while, unable to see anything but that shining outburst of energy. And then…

„_Jimmy,"_

I gasp for air as I see him behind the gate. He looks just like he did when he was healthy; he clearly can´t be an illusion. I almost forgot how Thomas looked like when he wasn´t ill. He must be here.

„Thomas," I whisper and I feel my eyes filling with tears of relief. He is here. I can tell him how much he means to me, how much I tried to be better for him and how much sorry I am for failing. I can make him see how much I wished to be his and how much I hate myself for running from him when I should have opened my arms for him.

„_I am sorry,"_

I watch his beautiful lips pronouce these words and I feel as if my heart was melting in acid. How could I cause such a pain to him?! How could I dare? He looks sad, much sadder than I ever thought a person can look. It breakes my heart into pieces.

„Why?" I whimper. It doesn´t make sense. Why should he apologize? I am the one to apologize.

„_For leaving you behind. I should be here for you."_

I want to say something but I find myself unable to. I have no right to accept any apologies.

„_Please, forgive me," _

His darkened eyes beg me for forgiveness. Why should I give it to him when I do not blame him at all?

„I can't." I mumble and drop my eyes off him.

„_Please,"_

His beautiful face looks almost broken, as if my forgiveness was the last thing that could save him.

„Why did you leave me? If you regret it, you should have stayed and you wouldn't have to ask for forgiveness." I cry and clutch the railings firmly to keep myself steady.

„_I couldn't, Jimmy. Life is not only about what you want. You won't always get what you want."_

„I didn't want always. I wanted you." I whimper and I know I'm childish but I don't care. How could I care when he's dead? I feel dull and empty; as if there was some place for emotions but they've gone.

„_I know. Trust me I had to go. I tried to stay for you but I wasn't strong enough."_

He bows his head slightly as if it was difficult for him to stay in this world.

„You lie. You were almighty, powerful. There is nothing you couldn't do." I cry desperately, turning my anger and guilt towards him. I know it's bad, but I can handle it anymore. I am too feeble for this.

„_That's not true and you know it, Jimmy."_

His voice is sharper and more firm. I jerk backward from him in fear.

„_Do not blame yourself for what happened, don't blame me. Accept that there are greater things than us that influence our lives."_

„Why should I?" I groan in childish resistence, asking that stupid ‚why'.

„_Because of yourself. If you don't accept it, you'd go mad."_

His says flatly and he begins to sparkle. I rise my head to stare at him.

„_I don't have much time. Jimmy, don't forget what I've told you. I love you, and I want you to stay strong and go on. You're young, you'll recover. I don't want you to forget, but I want you to learn some lesson from this. Don't blame yourself and move on. Be a man, Jim." _

His shining, chimerical hand reaches for mine and I entwin his fingers with mine for one last time. He looks at me as he disappears from my sight. I look at him firmly and suddenly I stop crying. I don't need to cry and I feel ashamed for thinking about crying. That is not what Thomas would want me to. I'll be strong for him; to make him proud.

„Will you watch over me?" I whisper before and he smiles at me for one last time.

„_Always, Jimmy, always." _

He murmurs and the illusion is gone for good. I stare at where he was and I realise it was just a ghost, just my imagination, but it doesn't make it less important. It made me realise something. I can mourn over Thomas, I can be sad, but I can't give up. I'm not allowed to leave this world before it is my time.

I stand up and wipe the tears away. I look at the cememtry wall for one last time before turning my back to it and leaving. I find the road and begin to jog beside it, dark sky watching over me, bright stars showing me my way. I don't stop, I just slow down if I feel tired. Energy takes over me, blood rushes rapidly through my veins in celebration of the sudden movement. My heart pounds heavily in my chest, but it lives. I watch the country I became to love throughout time and I feel alive. I run and wind blows against me to assure me I'm still here. And I know it.

It wouldn't be right to give up, it wouldn't be fair to those who couldn't live. I can and I shall; I was given the miracle of life and I should repay for it. I realise how much I've changed after the dialogue that never happened. Maybe I am a freak, maybe I am ill for imagining things. But I don't want to die any longer.

All my life I've depended on somebody, I let others guide me and help me. But that shall end. Despite how awful Thomas's death was, it made me mature, it opened my eyes. Now I know what is important. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't know it any longer and I'll be as lost and groping as I was, but right now, in this moment, I swear, I can see the meaning of life. With stars and moon shining above me, with fresh wind and light drizzle embracing my body, I feel important.

It takes me a lot of time to get to Downton, but finally I am knocking on the back door. It is very late in the night; the drizzle has stopped and there is a thick fog around me instead. As no one comes to open, I finally give up to today's exertion and let my knees buckle under me. I fall down at the ground beside the door and curled up in a ball I let myself fall asleep. I'm exhausted enough to prevent dreams to come and disturb the sleep I haven't got properly in last two weeks.

* * *

_**I hope you all approve of Jimmy's change. I would like to thank sup phyl for discussing this with me. I believe I've made the right decision. Thank you and everybody else for your support. **_

_**Leave me a review please, it makes my day. :)**_


	23. Shouting, crying, weeping

_**Thank you for reading and the stuff concerning it. I love you all. **_

_**Enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think of it. :)**_

* * *

„Oh my god, Jimmy, what are you doing here?" I wake up slowly and turn my head towards the female voice that dragged me out of sleep. I have to blink several times to clear my vision to recognize her. I try to sit up and it costs me more effort than it should. My legs hurt as if I wandered milion kilometres and maybe I did, I don't really remember which way I went yesterday.

„Good morning, Daisy," I mumble and sigh painfully when I try to stretch my back and neck. I guess sleeping on the stony stones wasn't the best idea. The little cook looks at me with worry.

„Why-Why are you here, Jimmy?" she asks quietly and steps towards me. I frown for a while. Does she have to ask? I work here, I belong in here, I-

Of course. She doesn't know. I haven't told anybody; the doctor might have called, or maybe Mr Branson, but Daisy couldn't know. I close my eyes to fight tears. Everything returns to me, all the memories, vivid and painful. She comes even closer and her big grey eyes turn darker when she sees the tears I can't send back.

„Thomas died," I say but it doesn't feel like me saying it. I still can't believe it because it simply can't be true. My voice is dull and emotionless because it's just some fact I have stated; it's somebody else who said it, not me. But she seems to understand the message because she stares at me for a while and then she throws her arms around me. I hold her and let her hold me while she sobs into my chest. I may be squeezing her too tightly when I finally realise what is going on. She doesn't show any sign of uneasiness; her grip on me strenghtens as well. We hold each other for some time and I finally let my grief and despair come to the surface. I don't know why, but Daisy is a better support than anything I could get. She lets me cry into her shoulder and she doesn't say anything which I'm grateful for. What could she say? _I'm sorry?_ It would only make me angry.

„I-I'm sorry, Daisy. I don't want to bother you," I murmur into her hair and pull away. Her bright eyes are on me with great sadness and pity. She puts one finger on my lips to silence me and shakes her head. When she does so, she closes her eyes and I see she wept as well.

„You don't bother me. I know perfectly well how you feel and I want to be here for you even if you don't want me to. I know you need it even though you try to convince me otherwise." She whispers and I see she won't let me go that easily. It upsets me.

„Do you? And how would you? You have no idea how I feel, you know nothing about the guilt I feel. I should have known he was ill sooner, I should have never let him go. I don't know what else I should have done, but I haven't done everything." I say bitterly and let go of her; I begin to pace around like an angry lion in a cage. „You know nothing about how I feel."

„I know it very well and you know I do." She says softly and she doesn't show any anger. „Jimmy I know the despair very well. You can't stop thinking of what you could do otherwise, you think it's only yur fault and you don't see it could simply be decided without you."

„I could have done something." I insist, stubborness taking over me. She doesn't show any emotion and she simply lets me walk around.

„Yes, you could. But it doesn't mean it would necessarily save him." She says and watches sun rising above the horizon. „Trust me, you have to accept that or you'll go crazy."

„But I can't!" I shout angrily and turn to face her.

„You have to. It wasn't your fault and you'll understand it eventually. I don't tell you to forgive yourself immediately; I know it's not possible. Just…don't do anything stupid." She comes closer again and reaches her hand towards me as if to calm me down. I stare blankly at her and shake with anger. Why is she so calm? Doesn't she understand how I feel at all?

„Anything stupid. Do you think I am a child?" I hiss, staring hard at her. „That's what you tried to say? That I am childish and stupid?"

„Jimmy, come in, you need to sleep." Daisy places her hand on my shoulder but I shake her off.

„I don't feel like sleeping." I mutter. „I slept in the night, I'm not a baby."

„Okay. But come in, I don't want you to catch some cold." She pulls me after her, softly but resolutely. I try to object, but she doesn't give me any chance. I don't know how, but after a while I find myself seated in the kitchen with a cup of tea in hands. I stare into the brown liquid and don't lift eyes from it. Daisy has left and I think she said where she went, but I don't remember. It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk to anybody. I need to busy myself, to work myself off to put my mind to work so I won't think about things I don't want to think about.

I put the cup on the table and stand up to find something to do. I'd like to help Daisy, but I don't know how and I don't want to cause more damage than help. So I leave the kitchen and go upstairs to my room.

With each step I take, I feel my heart pounding faster and faster and nausea taking over me. My head is spinning in what is inevitable. Walking past Thomas' room almost drops me on my knees. My pace diminishes, I start to tremble, my lungs yearn for more oxygen and my brain forces me to take breaths that doesn't seem to be sufficient for my body. I want to walk past that door, I want to see them closed – to believe it is over. But I can't, it's too strong for me. My head screams no, but my shaking hand reaches for the door handle.

My shivering fingers embrace the round handle and clutch it in a tight grip. They don't move in either direction – I can't take them back towards me, but I also can't open the door; something disables me to do so. I stare at the casual door and I bite my lip in futile attempt to recollect myself. I'm getting crazy and I know it.

The peace and solution I found within myself last night has disappeared. I can't feel any acceptance, I don't feel the reconciliation I could feel yesterday behind the cemetry. Everything's gone now when I stand in front of Thomas's door and I could feel his presence even though he's no longer here.

I suppose yesterday didn't fully come to me. I thought I have gone through the worst, but I haven't. Hot tears burn in my eyes as I sob feverishly; I can't even describe what I feel. It is so strong it frightens me, but I cannot say what it is. I only know I've never felt it before.

My head is spinning and I already feel the lack of oxygen, or better say the surplus air in my lungs. My chest hurts as my muscles try to open my ribcage as much as possible, my throat is sore from the muffled screams of pain. I can't even speak now; I'm mute and unable to breathe, blind and deaf because of fear. I am so panicked I think I might die.

I don't know what it is that frightens me and I don't have any idea about what I should do to save myself. Right now the only thing I'm capable of is hanging on the door handle as I slowly lose consciousness while I fail to control my legs.

The last thing I remember is that we have a really solid floor.

„_Jimmy, darling, where are you? I've been waiting for you. Just show yourself." pleasant voice calls for me and I smile just upon hearing it. The voice which calls to me and speaks my name. The voice I'd recognise anywhere. _

„_I'm not sure. We shouldn't see each other." I say but I know he can hear the happiness in my voice; I'm sure he can guess that the only thing I really want now is to take him into a hug and kiss him for eternity. _

„_Come on. The groom shouldn't see his bride. You're not a bride, so come here to me." I know he stands right after the closed door, but he wouldn't come if I don't want to. He leaves it to me and therefore shows me that we are equal – as he always does – even though we both know it's different._

„_Are you really sure it's safe?"I ask one more time and bit my lip in anxiety. I adjust my bowtie and the wave of golden hair above my forehead and look myself up in the mirror again. _

„_Yes. Just come to me. Please. I'm dying to see you." He pleads and I can't resist him any longer. I smile and turn around. I open the door and there he is – beautiful and all mine. I look into his eyes and he returns my glance before grabbing me into his arms and lifting me few inches above the ground. I'd say something about my dignity, but this feels too good to be taken away from me. He spins me around twice and then he places me down on the floor again. I smile brightly and I can see tiny wrinkles around his eyes – wrinkles of laughter that can only be seen when he's really happy. _

„_Oh, Jimmy, you are so beautiful," he whispers and pulls me closer, my chin resting on his shoulder. He holds me tight and I feel I would fly if I wanted. But I don't, because Thomas is here. „I love you so much."_

„_You know I love you too, sweetheart." I murmur back and close my eyes._

…

„_I do."_

_He looks straight at me after this and I have to take all strenght I posses to not start screaming with happiness. If I could, I would be running around the whole world, shouting: ‚Thomas loves me!' Instead, I let him give me a ring and I feel like a princess whose dreams about prince Charming have come true. Once the small golden bands are on our fingers, we look at lord Grantham with expectation. I see Thomas's eyes shining with mirth and I feel impatient. I want to kiss Thomas, feel him, undress him, love him._

„_You can kiss each other now." _

_Thomas doesn't even wait for the whole sentence to be said and he grabs me into his arms and lifts me off the floor again. I put my arms around his neck and kiss him roughly, hungrily. He lets me stand again but doesn't let me go. And as we kiss, I feel something greater move inside of me._

„James? Are you alright?" I open my eyes with effort. It takes some time for me to recollect myself, but when I do I suddenly realise dull but intensive pain in my vertex and left elbow from the fall I have experienced before. I close my eyes to fight it and sit up. I check my head to make sure there is no blood seeping through my fingers.

„Yeah. I think," I mumble and finally look up at the person who woke me up. „Good morning, Mr Carson. I haven't recognised you."

„Obviously," he mutters but I can see worry in his eyes. He looks me up and down and he opens his mouth to say something, but he changes his mind and just nods at me.

„I would like to start working again. If it is possible." I moan as I stand up and regain balance after a short dizziness.

„I have assumed you would come. I don't want to sound insensitive but we really need you here, James. Lord Cartwright is coming to stay here in two days and I was afraid I would have to ask Alfred to take care of him." Mr Carson quickly recovers from his previous worry for me and immediately changes. Now he is the butler – he has to take care of the house, no matter what. Even with one of the employees dead, the dinner will be perfect. Nothing is perfect, but Downton Abbey has to be as close to it as possible.

I don't know if it makes me angry or sad. I guess it's both of it, but I'm not mad at him. He just does what he is supposed to do – he does his job as well as he can. Mrs Patmore wouldn't cook a bad soup just because somebody is dead. It's them whom I hate. Who are they to be so insensitive? Who are they to care so little?

„It would be my genuine pleasure to take care of him." I answer and the meaning of my words gets me after I say it. „Why is he coming over?"

„I do not know. But it is none of your business and it won't help you anyhow." He says and I just drop my eyes down. I can find this out later.

„Of course. I shall go to my room to prepare myself." I say and he nods and lets me pass by him.

„And James… take care of yourself. Don't work too much." He looks uncomfortable saying this and for some time I just stare at him. I knew he wasn't heartless, but I didn't expected this to happen anyway.

„I will. Thank you, Mr Carson. For everything." I turn around and walk to my own room. His eyes follow me as I shut the door behind myself. Once inside I lean against the wall and close my eyes. The only thing I want to do now is to sleep but I know I can't. After few deep breaths I open my eyes again and I watch my room. It looks precisely like I left it, with the book War and Peace lying on the bedside table and the suit and bowtie left on a chair. I took it off but didn't have enough strength to put it into the closet. I walk to my bed and run a hand over the cold blanket and pillow. As I stand here, I imagine Thomas being here with me; I picture him kissing me softly and pulling me down on the bed, I see him reading a book to me before I fall asleep. I dream of waking up by his side, of growing old beside him. I weep gently as I realise this will never come. Neither will my strange dream. Even if people lose their prejudices, even if the world changes for the better, even if there are more people like Mr Branson or Daisy, I will never marry Thomas, I will never be able to say he is mine.

I sigh and begin to undress myself from the unfamiliar clothes. I dress in the spare livery I have in my closet and note to myself that I will have to go back to the hospital to get what I left there. The single idea fills me with terror.

I walk down and find Daisy busy with something. I get the cup of tea I've left there and take few sips of the warm liquid. Then I come to Daisy and she looks up at me. We watch each other for a while and then she gives me a knife and some vegetables to cut. We work silently and it feels almost alright, I feel almost complete. But it is just a delusion. I don't want to wake up.


End file.
